I always figured I wasn't exactly destined to be a "wife," with all the socially-constructed patriarchal crap that seemed to entail. I was the girl in college that called her boyfriend her "partner" and didn't care if people (including her family) thought she was a lesbian, I was the one who asked my now-ex-boyfriend to move in with me but told him that if ever tried to subject me to a Wedding he was toast, I'm the one that went dateless to my cousin's wedding last summer, wore a huge costume jewelry ring and cracked jokes like "See, I don't need a man to buy me a rock." But the last semi-serious relationship that I was in, as it was winding inexorably down, he said to me, "I know you would be a good wife." I pondered that, and pondered that, finally realized that he left off the "to somebody else" bit but still wondered if I would. Luckily, The Mirror had a few wives take that 1939 good housewife test and, in addition to it turning out that some things never change (guess who does most of the housework!), and I can prove once and for all that I would definitely not be a good wife.
- Dresses for breakfast Ha! I don't even dress for work. I'm in my pajamas right now. Fail.
- Has meals on time Breakfast consisted of tunafish on crackers consumed with coffee at 11:30. Lunch will be sometime later. I'm having dinner with friends tonight, so I will be eating that one on time. Fail.
- Can hold an interesting conversation Yeah, ok, I don't fail here. At least that's what I'm told.
- Can play a musical instrument Violin and a little piano. Dammit, that's two points.
- Personally puts children to bed Don't have any! The one time I dogsat, it was more of a matter of accepting that he wasn't going to get out of my bed. Fail.
- Neat housekeeper - tidy and clean Epic fail. I vaccuumed last when my parents came to visit. In October. My shower curtain was so nasty my mom got me a new one for Christmas. I'm planning on hanging it in October when she comes to visit.
- Good sense of humour, jolly and gay Well, I do have a good sense of humor, but I wouldn't call it "jolly and gay." Sarcastic and/or uncouth sure. I'll give myself a half point.
- Never goes to bed angry, always makes up first (extra 5pts) If I never went to bed angry, I'd never go to bed. Since it doesn't ask if I sleep angry, I'm failing myself again.
- Asks husband's opinions regarding important decisions and purchases If it's my money? Ha. Fail
- Good hostess even to unexpected guests Aaaand, here my mother comes out. I found out last night that I am playing hostess tonight to a friend. Although I didn't vaccuum, I did find myself de-cluttering my entire place, washing dishes and, um, dusting after work last night. Pass.
- Reacts with pleasure and delight to marital congress (extra 10pts) I do indeed enjoy sex, though not with married men.
- Lets husband sleep late on Sunday and holidays Since the implication is "instead of making him do work," I'll give myself a half point since he would only be sleeping as late as me, and I sleep late.
Total merits: 14. Gah!
- Slow in coming to bed - delays until husband is almost asleep Unless we're having sex, I tend to be really uncomfortable with my restless legs syndrome and thus prefer to wait until the dude is asleep to fall asleep myself.
- Doesn't like children (minus 5pts) I assume I'd like my own, but it's a rare kid that I'd offer to babysit unless I owed the parents a favor.
- Fails to sew on buttons or darn socks Sadly, I have been known to do mending for my friends. I have a bag from my friend Molly right now.
- Wears soiled or ragged dresses and aprons round the house I am currently wearing an old tank top and yoga pants, but the only apron I own comes from Jelly Belly and is indeed pretty stained.
- Often late for appointments (minus 5 pts) I like to call it "on Megan time."
- Is a backseat driver Goddamn my mother, but I do this too.
- Seams in hose often crooked I've decided that this can also be interpreted as "bra straps often showing" and, yes, they are and, no, I don't care. Everyone knows I'm wearing one anyway.
- Goes to bed with curlers in her hair or too much face cream Or, say, with a ponytail and zit cream?
- Puts her cold feet on her husband at night to warm them And hands and occasionally ass. Actually, going on a low carb diet for a while strangely eliminated this issue, but I did it all the time before.
- Wears red nail polish My nails are too short to bother, but my toes are purple-y black, so I think I get at least a demerit here.
- Flirts with other men (minus 5pts) Yeah, I do this all the time. Me and R. Kelly.
- Is suspicious and jealous (minus 5pts) I work really, really, really hard not to be this because, again, I know my mom is and it can be really unattractive. I'm gonna say I succeed and not deduct any points.
Total demerits: 22
So, what did we learn? On a scale of 0-25 of how good a housewife I am, I scored a -8. Dodai's was a -6, Maria's a -4 and Sadie's a zero (not that way, she's hot!). Moe, Tracie and Jessica rolled their collective eyes at our competition to be the least wifely Jezebel, but I don't know if that says anything other than they're too busy to care, which is probably the biggest sign of a bad housewife anyway.
How Modern Is Your Marriage? [The Mirror]