I always figured I wasn't exactly destined to be a "wife," with all the socially-constructed patriarchal crap that seemed to entail. I was the girl in college that called her boyfriend her "partner" and didn't care if people (including her family) thought she was a lesbian, I was the one who asked my now-ex-boyfriend to move in with me but told him that if ever tried to subject me to a Wedding he was toast, I'm the one that went dateless to my cousin's wedding last summer, wore a huge costume jewelry ring and cracked jokes like "See, I don't need a man to buy me a rock." But the last semi-serious relationship that I was in, as it was winding inexorably down, he said to me, "I know you would be a good wife." I pondered that, and pondered that, finally realized that he left off the "to somebody else" bit but still wondered if I would. Luckily, The Mirror had a few wives take that 1939 good housewife test and, in addition to it turning out that some things never change (guess who does most of the housework!), and I can prove once and for all that I would definitely not be a good wife.

Merits

1. Dresses for breakfast Ha! I don't even dress for work. I'm in my pajamas right now. Fail.
2. Has meals on time Breakfast consisted of tunafish on crackers consumed with coffee at 11:30. Lunch will be sometime later. I'm having dinner with friends tonight, so I will be eating that one on time. Fail.
3. Can hold an interesting conversation Yeah, ok, I don't fail here. At least that's what I'm told.
4. Can play a musical instrument Violin and a little piano. Dammit, that's two points.
5. Personally puts children to bed Don't have any! The one time I dogsat, it was more of a matter of accepting that he wasn't going to get out of my bed. Fail.
6. Neat housekeeper - tidy and clean Epic fail. I vaccuumed last when my parents came to visit. In October. My shower curtain was so nasty my mom got me a new one for Christmas. I'm planning on hanging it in October when she comes to visit.
7. Good sense of humour, jolly and gay Well, I do have a good sense of humor, but I wouldn't call it "jolly and gay." Sarcastic and/or uncouth sure. I'll give myself a half point.
8. Never goes to bed angry, always makes up first (extra 5pts) If I never went to bed angry, I'd never go to bed. Since it doesn't ask if I sleep angry, I'm failing myself again.
9. Asks husband's opinions regarding important decisions and purchases If it's my money? Ha. Fail
10. Good hostess even to unexpected guests Aaaand, here my mother comes out. I found out last night that I am playing hostess tonight to a friend. Although I didn't vaccuum, I did find myself de-cluttering my entire place, washing dishes and, um, dusting after work last night. Pass.
11. Reacts with pleasure and delight to marital congress (extra 10pts) I do indeed enjoy sex, though not with married men.
12. Lets husband sleep late on Sunday and holidays Since the implication is "instead of making him do work," I'll give myself a half point since he would only be sleeping as late as me, and I sleep late.

Total merits: 14. Gah!

Demerits

1. Slow in coming to bed - delays until husband is almost asleep Unless we're having sex, I tend to be really uncomfortable with my restless legs syndrome and thus prefer to wait until the dude is asleep to fall asleep myself.
2. Doesn't like children (minus 5pts) I assume I'd like my own, but it's a rare kid that I'd offer to babysit unless I owed the parents a favor.
3. Fails to sew on buttons or darn socks Sadly, I have been known to do mending for my friends. I have a bag from my friend Molly right now.
4. Wears soiled or ragged dresses and aprons round the house I am currently wearing an old tank top and yoga pants, but the only apron I own comes from Jelly Belly and is indeed pretty stained.
5. Often late for appointments (minus 5 pts) I like to call it "on Megan time."
6. Is a backseat driver Goddamn my mother, but I do this too.
7. Seams in hose often crooked I've decided that this can also be interpreted as "bra straps often showing" and, yes, they are and, no, I don't care. Everyone knows I'm wearing one anyway.
8. Goes to bed with curlers in her hair or too much face cream Or, say, with a ponytail and zit cream?
9. Puts her cold feet on her husband at night to warm them And hands and occasionally ass. Actually, going on a low carb diet for a while strangely eliminated this issue, but I did it all the time before.
10. Wears red nail polish My nails are too short to bother, but my toes are purple-y black, so I think I get at least a demerit here.
11. Flirts with other men (minus 5pts) Yeah, I do this all the time. Me and R. Kelly.
12. Is suspicious and jealous (minus 5pts) I work really, really, really hard not to be this because, again, I know my mom is and it can be really unattractive. I'm gonna say I succeed and not deduct any points.

Total demerits: 22

So, what did we learn? On a scale of 0-25 of how good a housewife I am, I scored a -8. Dodai's was a -6, Maria's a -4 and Sadie's a zero (not that way, she's hot!). Moe, Tracie and Jessica rolled their collective eyes at our competition to be the least wifely Jezebel, but I don't know if that says anything other than they're too busy to care, which is probably the biggest sign of a bad housewife anyway.

How Modern Is Your Marriage? [The Mirror]

Contact information for this author is not available.