Dear Mark Heard,
Hey, so I heard about your little service in which you convince true-believing Christians to sign up to email their friends and loved ones after the Rapture takes them and leaves all the lesser Christians behind to suffer under the rule of the Antichrist for 7 years. Um, dude, I don't know if you put the dates together on this one, but George W. Bush took office in 2001. You're kind of the ones that got left behind. But I wanted to give you some advice from out here (where, by the way, it's pretty fucking cool).
I'll admit, I too figured I'd be the one suffering in the Rapture, no doubt. I left the Church when I was 17 (not that Catholics are eligible anyway, right?) and I've professed to being too lesser a being to know the nature of God thus never picked up another religion (it's sort of hard to pick when each says all the others are wrong and you're not sure any of them are right). Plus, you know, I had sex outside of marriage, used birth control, drank, danced, gambled, took God's name in vain, coveted, disrespected my parents occasionally, stole some office supplies, lusted some more, engaged in some sloth and gluttony and even some rage, so I figured that I was a shoe-in to be left behind. But one thing I tried really hard to do? Treat other people like I wanted to be treated. It turns out that Jesus was actually being honest in Matthew 22:35-40 when he said that the second superceding commandment was "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." Whoops. Sorry buddy.
So, like, it turns out that charging gullible Christians $40 a year to store their letters to their "bad" friends isn't exactly considered a really Christian thing to do, buddy. Also, hypocrisy sucks and being an ass to people of other religions suck and thus when "true Christians" were called up, well, those of you the rest of us never liked got left down there. And since we were all true Christians, we didn't think our wonderful friends of other faiths who spent their whole lives doing the right thing should get stuck with you guys either so we ginned up a petition to ask, but it turns out that the whole thing was just kind of a test from God as to whether or not we were actually worthy of being up here and they were just all waiting on the other side of this big door and yelled "Surprise" and then She threw us all a kick ass party. It lasted kind of a few years so that's why I haven't written before now. Sorry about that.
Anyway, so, have you learned anything in the last 7 years? Anything about how money isn't the be-all-end-all of life? Or anything about being kind to everyone because you have the option even if you don't have the obligation? How about how everyone is actually equal? Um, what about not judging people based on your (often ill-informed) opinion of what God thinks? Shit, what the hell were you guys doing down there the last few years? Just fighting wars and making money off the backs of others and increasing income inequality and spamming each other with ads for bigger penii? Great. Fuck, I hate having to go to work after a party.
Anyway, so, like it's been 7 years down there and I know that we're all supposed to come back and have dominion over the world and shit at the 7 year mark, but our collective hangovers really threw off the schedule (they actually don't hurt, it just makes us want to lie in bed and cuddle for a few months). Besides, people that are hissy about starting on time and their friends being a few minutes late are kind of asses anyway and didn't make it in. But it's cool, I think we'll be back down around January 20th? I hear there's another party to be had.