Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. You know, we rage against the celebrity blogger machine every week for being anti-female, but maybe we should rage against them more frequently for being anti-funny. Because seriously? These people make the same. Jokes. Every. Damn. Week. Pregnant women are [insert word for "fat" here]; Paris Hilton is [insert term for "slut" here]. It's like playing misogynist madlibs with these fools. If they're going to be jerks, the least they could do is be moderately creative. But alas! Join us in applying some much deserved Jezebel justice to these cliché cocks, after the jump.
The Accused: Egotastic
The Crime: Bashing a pregnant woman's body; being sizeist
The Evidence: "Okay, this isn't exactly the way I wanted to see Jessica Alba back in her bikini, but you've got to admit, there is something strangely compelling about these Jessica Alba bikini pictures. It's kind of like a roadside accident. You don't want to look, but you just can't help it." The moniker "Egotastic" "is fitting, since this editor apparently thinks the world revolves around him. Look, guy, Jessica Alba doesn't give a hoot whether or not you want to see her in a bikini, and she shouldn't, because you're an ass who compares pregnancy to a car crash. I mean, we'd call your mother's pregnancy a car wreck, but maybe that's going too far!
The Sentence: Massaging pregnant women's swollen, unwashed tootsies for 72 hours straight.
The Accused:The Superficial
The Crime: Comparing Queen Latifah to a manatee
The Evidence: "Upholding my never-ending quest to post bikini pictures of the stars, here's shots of Queen Latifah in Miami enjoying some aquatic activities. As a boob-lover, all I can say is DAMN! Where do the breasts end and the woman begin? But, seriously, I really want to know. I've been staring at these pics for hours and I'm totally lost. Okay, that's a thigh. Or is it an arm? Wait, I'm looking at manatee pictures. How'd these get mixed in? Geekologist!" This is just so dumb, but again, what bugs is how TIRED it is. Just last month, The Superficial's cousin in idiocy, Yeeah!, compared Britney to a manatee. Also? Fuck off.
The Sentence: Getting a single breast implant in the middle of his stomach, you know, since he is such a boob-lover, he should get one of his own! Consider it a gift from us, cyclops.
The Accused: Yeeeah!
The Crime: Demeaning a woman's looks.
The Evidence:: "I don't know what the hell she's talking about. No one I know ever accused her of being pretty. A grown-up version of that girl in your tenth grade English class that wrote cliched poems on her arms and refused to let grunge die its slow flannel death, yes. Tubby and party-hat nippled, yes. Pretty, no. Frankly, if she's going to start apologizing, she might want to start with one of those other ones first."
The Sentence: Being subjected to a bar fight with Lily Allen's entourage and a couple of British soccer hooligans added in for good measure. I bet your nipples will look fantastic afterwards.
The Accused : WWTDD
The Crime: joking about violence against women.
The Evidence: "Paris Hilton was walking around last night with Benji Madden or Joel Madden or whichever one it is she dates, and she looked suspiciously pregnant while doing it. So if you're wondering if I've been put in charge yet, this is how you can the answer is 'no.' My plan calls for Paris Hilton to be flipped upside down and then we'll fill her vagina with cement. I know it's sounds radical, but it's the only way to be sure. I'm tough but fair." Look, I'm not a big fan of the idea of Paris Hilton having a kid, but joking about how her vagina should be filled with cement is out of line.
The Sentence: All of his orifices should be filled with cement, obvi!
Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to firstname.lastname@example.org with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.