The MTV Movie Awards: A Fashion Train Wreck At Five Miles An Hour

Dear readers, please welcome our fashion guest-blogger this week, Sadie, who, like Lesley before her, will be serving as our fashion-lady-in-residence for the next few days! We think you'll like her whip-smart, quirky, inclusive style, even if you don't agree with her celebrity sartorial callouts.

I went into my first GBU really excited and positive, psyched to swoon over glorious gowns and utterly convinced I'd be unable to condemn anything as "ugly" or even "bad." Ha! As I scrolled through images of various MTV-staffers, the entire cast (?) of The Hills and a suspicious number of "TV personalities", my face assumed the grim expression of a Civil War surgeon surveying the battlefield. It is a very sad day when Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and, yes, Tila Tequila are contenders for "best-dressed" - but hell, desperate times call for grading on Harvard-level curves! Boundaries, as you will see, were fluid: hideosities that might normally qualify as "ugly" were elevated to the merely unfortunate by the presence of true horror. Conversely, figures who've dwelt all their public lives in "bad" found themselves exalted to Jezebel's heights. After the jump, the atrocities that led to no fewer than three mixed metaphors in one paragraph.

The (Relatively) Good:

The MTV Movie Awards: A Fashion Train Wreck At Five Miles An Hour

See, this is what I'm talking about. Normally, Kristen Stewart's look would feel pretty uninspired. But in this assemblage, she looks like Audrey incarnate.

The MTV Movie Awards: A Fashion Train Wreck At Five Miles An Hour

Yes, LiLo could just as easily be a "Bad." In fact, she and Lauren Conrad had a thrilling 11th-hour race to the bottom, as both look like Bratz dolls with passions for electric-blue fashion. In the end, I deemed this inoffensive enough to fill the "Good" quota.

The MTV Movie Awards: A Fashion Train Wreck At Five Miles An Hour

Liv Tyler: Hot-pink sack or one of the top-three looks of the evening? I'm going with the latter.

The MTV Movie Awards: A Fashion Train Wreck At Five Miles An Hour

Rainn Wilson is dressed exactly like my senior prom date. He has a wife, though, so one assumes he's not gay.

The MTV Movie Awards: A Fashion Train Wreck At Five Miles An Hour

For the purposes of this event, channeling Dita Von Teese qualifies as a sartorial triumph for Rumer Willis. This 40s silhouette is sultry and flattering. And we'll give her a pass on the Pete Wentz nails.

The MTV Movie Awards: A Fashion Train Wreck At Five Miles An Hour

In the shocker of the (admittedly, young) century, Tila Tequila looks pretty and elegant in peach silk charmeuse.


The Bad:

The MTV Movie Awards: A Fashion Train Wreck At Five Miles An Hour

I know, right? You're wondering what can possibly be in "The Ugly!"

The MTV Movie Awards: A Fashion Train Wreck At Five Miles An Hour

Charlize Theron, a haiku:

Training corset

leggings

gladiator sandals.

I want my

MT (V)

The MTV Movie Awards: A Fashion Train Wreck At Five Miles An Hour

And I was so ready to let Andre Leon Talley take the fall for the Oscars!

The MTV Movie Awards: A Fashion Train Wreck At Five Miles An Hour

Lauren Conrad's unflattering blue number could be worse, but now that she's a professional celebrity "designer," she's held to a higher standard entirely.

The MTV Movie Awards: A Fashion Train Wreck At Five Miles An Hour

Nikki Blonsky is spared inclusion in "The Ugly" only by virtue of her youth. And her roguish smile.

The MTV Movie Awards: A Fashion Train Wreck At Five Miles An Hour

Paris Hilton's transition to Barbie is complete - and, like, one of those collectible original Barbies in the striped bathing suit, which almost takes this into "Good." Almost.

The MTV Movie Awards: A Fashion Train Wreck At Five Miles An Hour

Sarah Jessica Parker fails to redeem the evening in what appears to be a figure-skating costume, high-buttoned shoes.

The MTV Movie Awards: A Fashion Train Wreck At Five Miles An Hour

I didn't think "Television presenter Terri Seymour's" outfit was that bad…until I realized it was a poppy-colored jumpsuit with harem pants.






The Ugly:


The MTV Movie Awards: A Fashion Train Wreck At Five Miles An Hour

"Television Personality" Lucy Walsh's grotesque tulle pom-pom is actually one of the few inventive looks of the evening.

The MTV Movie Awards: A Fashion Train Wreck At Five Miles An Hour

You think Transformers actress Megan Fox's "Frederick's of Hollywood" number can't look much crummier…and then you see the shoes!

The MTV Movie Awards: A Fashion Train Wreck At Five Miles An Hour

‘Visionary' Pussycat Dolls producer Robin Antin

The MTV Movie Awards: A Fashion Train Wreck At Five Miles An Hour

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