We Are Sorry; Rihanna Is Fucking Gorgeous And I Am A Tool

Readers, my bad. Overexposure to her image blinded me & Cheryl to Rihanna's true beauty and we made an unfortunate comment this afternoon. As much as we doubt the words "not that pretty" would have elicited the same response had they been used to describe the appearance of, say, Scott McClellan, as much as it dismayed us to hear some of you uphold the curious logic that the criticism of a musician's appearance is actually more hurtful than criticism of her talent, as much as we would, in another month, probably have been tempted to meet this struggle session with a spirited rebuke of such a bafflingly angry campaign to chill speech and a reminder that we never claimed opinions on such matters weren't subjective…well, that's just the thing. You're right. We reevaluated Rihanna — whose music FTR Cheryl does not like but I rather enjoy — and realized she is, in fact, beautiful. Like, her cheekbones are retarded and her eyes are just spooky and…yeah, I just sorta hate her hair.

See, when she got that haircut, Vogue started paying attention to her, and the friend of our enemy is our enemy. But she's a pretty enemy, that part you can't deny. She is not as beautiful as Chili from T.L.C., nor is "Umbrella" as dear a song to my heart as "What About Your Friends" but I'm getting carried away. What was my point again? Oh yeah, sorry. And I'm not that pretty, and although Cheryl is very cute, she is not as pretty as Rihanna, but like really it's just beauty and it goes away and there are more important things in life and THANK FUCKING GOD THIS WEEK IS OVER.