Welcome back to Missdemeanors! This is where we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. Some readers ask why we do this, since, quite often, the same damn blogs are always listed. Well, we received an email from DailyBlogTips.com, naming the Top 25 Celebrity Blogs. These are some of the most profitable blogs on the internet. On the list: Perez Hilton, TMZ, The Superficial, WWTDD, Egotastic and Dlisted. We have no problem with them making money; we have a problem with them making money off of sexist and misogynist writing. As long as they write effed up posts, we'll call them on it. This week, Kim Cattrall is a "weathered old hag," Brooke Hogan is "fugly," and Lindsay Lohan "will hurt herself scrambling to get to your penis." It's been another great week of "writing" "gossip" on the Internet. Bloggers' continued degradation of female celebrity bodies and their corresponding punishments, after the jump. Let the Jezebel Justice system begin!
The Accused: WWTDD
The Crime: Sexism, misogyny, ageism.
">The Evidence: (Referring to SATC)
"In this case, a movie where the hottest guys in New York are lining up to bang some weathered old hags. Rawr, Samantha, you sex kitten you! It's easy to see why hot young models (this guy, to be specific) are lining up for one night in that dusty old snatch of yours. You're soooo sexy. I know it's a sin to day dream about sweaty deviant sex with Samantha, but God should have thought have that before he made her so hot."
Frankly, writing "dusty old snatch" is basically a hate crime. And the hate comes from fear. Why are men so fearful of older women? I could launch into a diatribe about the role of the crone in Western history — how powerful medicine women with the knowledge of herbs and cures were turned into "hags" and "witches" by the Christian patriarchy, but I'll refrain. This person probably just hates his mother.
The Sentence: Burning at the stake, of course.
The Accused: DListed
The Crime: Lookism.
"Brooke's fugly ass was driving in the center lane of Bayside Bridge when the car in front of her lost control while trying to switch lanes. The car hit Brooke's car and pushed her into a concrete wall. The cops say the accident was not Brooke's fault. I still blame Brooke. The driver in front of her probably caught a glimpse of her fugly fug ass in his rear view mirror and this caused him to lose control."
Calling someone fugly just isn't humorous. Sue me. Your face is the result of a genetic lottery you have no part in; women are mocked if they get plastic surgery and derided if they don't, shamed if they don't fit into some abstract beauty standard, if they're not symmetrical and "feminine" enough. Humans are supposedly evolved creatures. Why do we treat each other this way? (A reader writes: "Car crashes are not funny. Calling Brooke Hogan a man is not funny. Blerg.")
The Sentence: Incredibly serious and painful whiplash.
The Accused: TMZ
First Crime: Name-calling, derogatory sexism.
"Hills" Babes Skank Their Way To The Top. So on TMZ TV tonight, we're getting to the bottom of the skankiest question in Hollywood — Which "Hills" chick is the biggest tramp? Lauren Conrad was the original Queen Bee, until Heidi raised her game with a couple of "enhancements." But Audrina blew them both out of the water with those nude pics."
And there is a poll. Look, no one is saying that the girls of The Hills are bastions of morality. But "who's the biggest tramp" contest? Really? Juvenile. Sexist. Not funny.
Additional Crime: Lookism.
Reader-Submitted Evidence: "Celebrity But-Her-Face: Some celebs are good from far, but far from good. Check out which stars have everything goin' on ... but their face." It's a slide show of people with "hot bodies" but supposedly not hot faces. And there are men included! That doesn't make it right, however.
The Sentence: An "accident" in which this person is burned in the face with acid.
The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Lookism, gay-mocking.
Evidence, via a Reader: "Every time Perez Hilton mentions Lindsay Lohan's rumored girlfriend, he calls her saMANtha Ronson. For someone who proclaims to love lesbians, making fun of one because of her homo-flavored gender presentation is a little fucked up, don't you think? Dude isn't trying to look like a lady! Get over it!" Well said.
The Sentence: Temporary blindness. Oh, wait. Longer than that.
The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Crime: More misogyny!
Women are catty and ugly women are catty and insecure, so of course this chick was gonna try to steal Shania's husband. She did it just so she could say, "You see, I can't be that ugly. I stole Shania Twain's husband." When in reality, she looks like Pumba. And Mutt Lange looks like he's been embalmed. In fact, I heard that the reason there are no pictures of these two together is because whenever they try to take one God kills an orphan."
Do you even understand what is going on here? People try to be edgy or snarky and push the limits, and it just comes off as hate speech. If women ARE catty OR insecure surely it is because we're living in a shitty world where we are judged by our looks and people are paid to write this crap.
The Sentence: 90 days (unpaid) working in an all-girls orphanage, teaching tolerance and kindness.
Reader-Submitted Accusation: SarahJessicaParkerLooksLikeAHorse.com
The Crime: Should be obvious.
The Accused: Yeeeah
The Crime: Multiple counts, mostly sexism, misogyny and stupidity.
"'Lindsay Lohan Is gay' Says Dad: Guys, there's a simple test you can perform to determine whether or not a girl is a gay. You pull down your pants - sexily, of course - then gyrate your hips and begin rocking back and forth to elicit a sort of slapping motion between your testicles and penis. Here's the test part: A woman who's gay will kick you in the nuts, probably with a steel-toed workman's boot or something patchouli-scented. A woman who's straight will either swoon or point and laugh, possibly both, depending on the size of your wiener. A woman who's Lindsay Lohan will hurt herself scrambling to get to your penis and remain hypnotized as long as you keep it moving. It's 100% accurate every time. You just have to be careful where you perform the test. Cops outside a school yard can be real hard-ons sometimes."
I would respond to this but I am busy burying my face in my hands and weeping for the future of this planet. BRB.
The Sentence: This one is a real doozy. Suggestions, please.
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