This Week In Tabloids: Shiloh Is Lonely, Heidi Is Pre-Engaged, Star Is Missing

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Midweek Madness with some terrible news: Star was not on newsstands this morning! We searched, we fretted, we wrung our hands. We contacted the mag. A rep said the shipment was a little late and offered to messenger us a copy. We hesitated. Would that make us in cahoots with the enemy? Eh, whatever. We gave them our address. But the deadline arrived before the issue did. The gossip was not the same. Intern Sharon sighs, "A rising tide lifts all boats. And Star is that tide." Still: At least we've got Shiloh, Angelina, Britney and uh, Heidi Montag on the covers of the other mags! Join us as we get schooled in celebrity gossip from Life & Style, In Touch, Us and OK!, after the jump.

Us
"I'm Ready To Say 'I Do.'" Intern Sharon says, "You know how the New Yorker has a serialized novel? That is what this is like." Yes, Us is still pushing the idiotic soap opera that is Heidi and Spencer. The magazine printed six epic pages of interview with the loathsome Montag and Pratt. HighLowlights: Heidi says, "We were walking at sunset and he had a little picnic made for me, with chocolate-covered strawberries and Dom Perignon. It was pretty much a preproposal." Yes, that's right. A PREPROPOSAL. Even thought this couple has already been engaged. "He is ready to really propose to me, down on one knee, with the right ring," Heidi explains. "The other one failed. Why would we use a failed ring? A new ring means a fresh start, a fresh love and a fresh engagement. Plus, I didn't get to pick it out. I want something much bigger, and one that comes from the heart, not some purple thing." (Fig. 1) Ugh. These people are vile. Oh! And Heidi also says: "I want to perform at my wedding. It's a special song that I'm working on for Spencer." And she'd like U2 to be her wedding band. Also inside: Will Smith spent $1 million to fund a school that employs teaching techniques established by L. Ron Hubbard. But! His kids are home schooled. Lastly: When Pete Wentz said he was honeymooning in a basement, he was joking, you guys. He and Ashlee actually went to a resort in Turks And Caicos, in the Caribbean.
Grade: F, but a gold star for the over-the-top, predictable, almost campy romance novel cover story
OK!
"Brit's Private Mommy Moments."
Britney sometimes hangs out with her kids, and they like it. Brit has been reading self-help books like Jack Canfield's Key To Living The Law Of Attraction: A Simple Guide To Creating The Life Of Your Dreams. She is also maybe dating her William Morris Agent Jason Trawick. Also inside: Are Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz getting a reality show? It will be like sister Jessica's Newlyweds. Footage includes a dinner where everyone toasts to business ventures but Ashlee toasts to jewelry. Ha. There's a poll called "Who Looks Better Bald" (Fig. 2) and no one likes Cameron Diaz's head. Angelina and Brad's new house has an organic vineyard, so expect the couple to take up winemaking! Intern Sharon says, "They're so Stuff White People Like."
Grade: D- with demerits for being boring
In Touch
"Brad Fears For The Babies" Angelina was having early contractions, so she and Brad had to call the hospital. She was barely 26 weeks at the time. She's scheduled to have a C-section July 11. There was drama at a Toys R Us near Cannes because Angelina wanted to shop but Brad thought she should be resting. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan is with Sam Ronson after "turbulent relationships with men" because you know, shitty dudes can make chicks gay! Sam wants to marry Lindsay and makes sure she stays sober, aww. Jamie Lynn's baby daddy Casey doesn't want to sign a pre-nup, uh-oh! Good news for "fans" of her "music": Paris Hilton is working on a new album. It will, of course, be "edgier." Benji Madden is helping, naturally, and Paris says, "It's a lot more of dance music that you want to hear in a club."
Grade: D- with detention and three days in a dunce cap for constant fake baby jeopardy "news"
Life & Style
"Shiloh's Lonely World." Shiloh Jolie-Pitt has "been throwing tantrums and crying a lot," the mag claims. Um, she is two; that's par for the course. A source says she wants to be the baby and sleep with mom and dad. Again, not a crime at her age. When Angie takes her shopping and asks "Shi" to pick something out for the twins, Shi throws a fit. Moving on: Lindsay and Sam are sooo in love. A source says Sam's open about her sexuality and she was finally able to convince Lindsay that being a couple is nothing to be embarrassed about. Sweet. Britney's got a "major crush" on her agent, Jason Trawick. He was in Costa Rica with her recently. "He cares about her and wants her to succeed, but he's not interested in her romantically," a source spills. Jamie Lynn is being watched because she MIGHT have preeclampsia. Or not. Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong danced to '80s music and made out all over Cannes. The people who are making Point Break: Indo want Patrick Swayze to be in it. Jessica Alba married Cash Warren because she was praying for her baby and realized it was important to "do the right thing." Madonna says, "I'm not against plastic surgery, I'm against discussing it." Lastly: Is it offensive or just weird that a caption on "Hollywood's Tan Secrets" reads: "A deep tan makes Adrienne look exotic"? (Fig 3). Ms. Bailon, of Cheetah Girls fame, is Puerto Rican, born in New York.
Grade: D, bonus points for Madonna quote, points deducted for fake Shiloh drama story

Star
Absent from class. Info available online, but that's just not the same, is it?

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Send an email to Dodai, the author of this post, at dodai@jezebel.com.

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