Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. This week, rape jokes are back! Also, Britney is a manatee and a whale; Linda Hogan is a stripper; even Adam Sandler's 2-year-old daughter gets insulted. [W.T.F. -Ed.] Bloggers' continued degradation of female celebrity bodies and their corresponding punishments, after the jump. Let the Jezebel Justice system begin!
The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Foul language; equating clothes and actions.
"Linda Hogan: Prison Slut. Linda Hogan dressed up to see her son in jail ... the good news is she could go right from there to work the 2:00 PM shift at the local strip club. With barely-there shorts, a tight tee and pair of Lucite heels, Linda arrived separately from her daughter, Brooke, and soon-to-be ex, Hulk Hogan. Linda, some of the guys in the hoosegow haven't seen a chick in six months. Then again, some of them are clearly eligible."
Okay, well, you can make the argument that dressing slutty doesn't make you a slut. I wore a Playboy Bunny Halloween costume when I was in 6th grade despite never having made out with a boy. Then again, Linda Hogan is tacky. But it's not cool for "entertainment news" site to have a headline called "Linda Hogan: Prison Slut." It pisses me off that they have this team of people who go out and harass celebs and then write awful things about them and are then rewarded with a corporate deal from AOL. It legitimizes their assholery.
The Sentence: A kick in the nuts with the aforementioned stripper heels.
The Accused: WWTDD?
The Crime: Rape jokes.
"I wonder if someone tried to rape Kirsten. Because she's so sexy. And then things got out of hand. Sex crimes are serious. Any time a girl is raped, I think she should go to the cops immediately. Unless I'm the one who did it, in which case I think we should just let bygones be bygones. Why live in the past?"
Wow. I don't know. Half of me thinks they're baiting us. The other half is like who cares, typing those words should be a crime. It's not right and it's not funny. Rape is a brutal act of aggression and making light of it is immoral. The end.
The Sentence: A case of necrotizing fasciitis, also known as the flesh-eating disease.
The Accused: Yeeeah
The Crime: Equating Britney to a manatee.
"Save the Britney: Meet Britney! She's one of the few who survived 2007, during which 78 manatees were killed by watercraft and hundreds more by water pollution and direct destruction of their natural habitats. But with the advent of Adopt-A-Manatee, you can do your part to help save Florida's gentle giants. For only $25 you get: * A photo of your manatee * The manatee's biography * An adoption certificate * A signed copy of "Toxic" * Four newsletters throughout the year with updated reports on your adoptee. Britney needs our help. Let's all do our part to save the docile sea cows of the Southeastern United States!"
Britney's had a tough year and she seems to be getting a handle on her mental illness. Lord knows what kind of medications she is on. Why do people feel the need to talk about her weight? Why is any mother of two under the microscope like this? For the record, she does not look like a sea cow, she looks great. What is wrong with people.
Also Accused, For A Similar Crime: Egotastic
"With her recent weight gain, and Mel Gibson whisking her down to Costa Rica, many have been speculating that Britney Spears is pregnant again. But as you can see from these Britney Spears bikini pictures, she's just getting fatter. Her belly is definitely bigger, but those rolls of fat clearly show the only things causing that bump are burgers. Or Cheetos in Britney's case."
Also Accused, For A Similar Crime: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
"I'm not sure what kind of funhouse mirror glasses this dude from The Sun is looking at these pictures with, but the only curves I see is on Britney's Coke can. The rest is just Britney's fat ass squeezed into a bikini. At this point, I'm just surprised a whale didn't bite her ankle and pull her into the ocean to be it's[sic] mate. You could see how that would be an honest mistake."
The Sentence: All offenders must spend 48 hours treading water in the open sea, wearing a necklace of steaks.
The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Crime: Good old-fashioned misogyny.
"Lily Allen is horrifically unattractive, so I guess she really had no other choice. Ugly girls have to compete with hot chicks somehow. Unless Lily Allen can give blowjobs with her mind, getting drunk and ripping off her clothes seems like a pretty reasonable option."
First: "Ugly" girls do not have to "compete" with "hot chicks." A woman's world does not revolve around whether men find her attractive. Unfortunately, the gossip blogging culture is making its money off of the idea that a woman's worth is in her looks. If you're not a "hot chick" you must be worthless, even though you are a human being with thoughts and feelings and a brain and talents. Gah.
The Sentence: Acute glaucoma that leads to blindness.
Three readers pressed charges against the following:
The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Mocking a baby.
"How Do We Say This Delicately? Adam Sandler revealed to Jay Leno last night that he and his wife are expecting another baby. Uhmmmm…. Let's hope this kid isn't as ugly as Sandler's other child, Sadie, age 2. Yeah, there, we said it! Perez looks in the mirror a lot. He knows ugly when he sees it and that kid is ugly. And fat too!"
Hear that, two-year-olds? Nevermind that you're developing and growing and need all your nutrients so that you can someday have adult-sized teeth and a fully-functioning brain. You need to diet!
The Sentence: 60 days wearing a poop-filled baby diaper. Or something like that. Any suggestions?
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