Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we suffer the indignity of reading the weekly tabloids so you don't have to. Another slow news week means the covers suck. This Star cover makes us extremely stabby. But as always, God is in the details. Look deeper and the tabs offer gems: Like Gisele Bundchen's stance on plastic surgery, Jen and John's sex life and Colin Farrell's new stick-figure body. Intern Sharon assists as we rifle through the drawers of Us, OK!, Life & Style, In Touch and Star, after the jump.
"How I Got My Body Back!" Christina Aguilera's boobs are huge. She is an E cup. She quit eating white bread and Skittles. She works out 5 days a week. Moving on: Holly Madison was unsuccessful in her attempt to get pregnant by Hugh Hefner, so she is looking for a Hef-esque sperm donor who is creative, hot, and has dark hair. Any takers? At Ashlee Simpson's wedding to Pete Wentz, the couple's first dance music was "First Day Of My Life" by Bright Eyes.
Grade: F- (mouse droppings)
"Four Weeks To Go!" Here's news you can use: Angelina is going to have a C-section delivery of her twins. The mag says one out of about 100 C-section scars will "come apart during the birthing process." Vom. The French press has jokingly started referring to Angie as "Wonder Woman" because they can't understand how the knocked up mom has the energy to go on boat rides, helicopter trips and premieres in Cannes. Also inside: As mentioned in Dirt Bag this morning, a former Starbucks barista claims to have put whole milk in all of Mary-Kate's "skinny" lattes without telling her. Lastly: Ten pages of "The 50 Hottest (And Shirtless!) Guys on the Planet." Matt Lauer, Prince Harry and Will Smith are honored. David Beckham wins the No. 1 spot.
Grade: F+ (moth larvae)