Jezebel
Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we suffer the indignity of reading the weekly tabloids so you don't have to. Another slow news week means the covers suck. This Star cover makes us extremely stabby. But as always, God is in the details. Look deeper and the tabs offer gems: Like Gisele Bundchen's stance on plastic surgery, Jen and John's sex life and Colin Farrell's new stick-figure body. Intern Sharon assists as we rifle through the drawers of Us, OK!, Life & Style, In Touch and Star, after the jump.
Us
"How I Got My Body Back!" Christina Aguilera's boobs are huge. She is an E cup. She quit eating white bread and Skittles. She works out 5 days a week. Moving on: Holly Madison was unsuccessful in her attempt to get pregnant by Hugh Hefner, so she is looking for a Hef-esque sperm donor who is creative, hot, and has dark hair. Any takers? At Ashlee Simpson's wedding to Pete Wentz, the couple's first dance music was "First Day Of My Life" by Bright Eyes.
Grade: F- (mouse droppings)
OK!
"Four Weeks To Go!" Here's news you can use: Angelina is going to have a C-section delivery of her twins. The mag says one out of about 100 C-section scars will "come apart during the birthing process." Vom. The French press has jokingly started referring to Angie as "Wonder Woman" because they can't understand how the knocked up mom has the energy to go on boat rides, helicopter trips and premieres in Cannes. Also inside: As mentioned in Dirt Bag this morning, a former Starbucks barista claims to have put whole milk in all of Mary-Kate's "skinny" lattes without telling her. Lastly: Ten pages of "The 50 Hottest (And Shirtless!) Guys on the Planet." Matt Lauer, Prince Harry and Will Smith are honored. David Beckham wins the No. 1 spot.
Grade: F+ (moth larvae)
Life & Style
"Angelina's $20 Million Twins!" We heard this news already, but here it is again: Between the security and medical costs, mansion rental fees, and helicopters, Angelina and Brad are spending about $20 million in preparation for her birth. But they might get $10 million for selling pix of the twins. Moving on: Jennifer Aniston has "met" John Mayer's "family" — she had dinner with John, his brother Ben and Ben's girlfriend. Next: A guest says Ashlee and Pete's wedding "looked like the set of a Tim Burton movie;" they had leafless black trees for decoration. Ashlee walked down the aisle to The Beatles' "Blackbird." Next: Instead of her family, Katie Holmes is planning a "career comeback" by starring in All My Sons on Broadway. Tom is fine with it. Mariah Carey tells the mag that she and Nick Cannon are "interested in having kids. It's in the cards." Can't wait! Britney "ran away from her problems" to the country of Costa Rica. Mel Gibson had her to his house there; they used to be neighbors in Malibu. Brit spent her four-day vacay smoking, sipping bottled water and Coca-Cola. Meanwhile, Jamie Lynn Spears is endangering her fetus. Again. "It's very dangerous for a woman in her third trimester to be riding an ATV," says a doctor who does not treat her. Nicole Richie says baby Harlow has saved her life. She's gone from super thin to curvy mom; from DUI charged to driving school, from clubbing to strolling. Lastly: Don't worry about Liv Tyler and her troubled marriage: "I'm a tough cookie," she says.
Grade: F++ (period panties)
In Touch
"Wedding Drama" The story is called "Jessica's Wedding Pain" and details how she and Tony Romo held hands and talked but things seem strained. But after downing some champagne, Jess dragged Tony onto the dancefloor. There's a list of all the ways Jessica ruined her relationship with Tony: She called too much, she was a groupie, she was too open, they spent too much time together, she was a showoff, she wasn't busy. Next: Angelina plans to have three more kids after the twins. Friends think she is addicted to motherhood. One doctor thought that she weighed 20 lbs. less than she should for a woman carrying twins. Also inside: Britney's been getting advice from Mel Gibson on business and encouraging her to reconnect with her faith. Jamie-Lynn's top baby name choice is Emma Jean. Colin Farrell is "scary skinny." (Fig. 1) Is Nick Mariah's new assistant? He walked her to the ladies room and waited outside the door at a restaurant recently. (Intern Sharon says, "He's her bitch.")
Grade: D (a penny)
Star
"55 Best And Worst Beach Bodies" We've said it before but we'll say it again: We fucking hate the fact that this magazine puts women's bodies under the microscope. No talk about talent or ideas! Just cellulite. Which is like having poor vision or a receding hairline: It's biological, it develops, you can't do a damn thing about it. Plus! As Intern Sharon points out, the "best" bodies often belong to girls like Brooke Hogan and Rumer Willis, who have not yet hit the age of 21. So Star can kiss our dimpled asses. This seemingly-endless 18-page photo-driven story includes men and couples. You can't have a little bulge (Denise Richards) and you can't be too thin (Nicky Hilton). It's like that song from The Wiz: You can't win, and you can't get out of the game. Moving on: Nikki Cox has ruined her face. (Fig 2.) One site says she looks like the Sea Monkey mom. Gisele Bundchen says, "I'm a workaholic, so I get up at 8 am and I go to bed late. I don't go to clubs, I don't do drugs, sometimes I feel like a nun or something." Aww, poor thing. Would you ever consider having plastic surgery when you're older? "No way!" Haha. Tell that to her old nose. Or old boobs. Was Eva Mendes in rehab for a movie? She landed a new role as a Spanish drug lord. Beyoncé is making a guest appearance on Desperate Housewives, yawn. Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong: It's on! "He's already bought her a bicycle," says a source. Jessica "ruined" Ashlee's wedding by being pouty and knocking back champagne. Plus, she kind of had to beg Tony to take her, as he'd promised. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have a "wild sex life!" A source says, "He covers her with whipped cream, which he licks off, tickles her with feathers and uses ice cubes to give her goosebumps." (This made Intern Sharon uncomfortable.) Jen may be going on tour with John in Copenhagen in June. Lastly: Angelina doesn't want Brad's mom Jill present at the birth of the twins because she has a big mouth and tries to tell Angie how to raise her kids.
Grade: C-, downgraded to F- for cover story (favorite sweater that ends up being moth-eaten)
Fig 1.
Fig. 2
Comments
does no-one else see that christina aguilera's "Her body before" pic is when she's PREGNANT???? Jesus.
Poor Christina's hair is falling out. I saw her here in L.A. and it was really thinning badly. Can excessive hair dye cause your hair to fall out? She pretty clearly has naturally black hair but must dye it all the time to hide the roots. Madonna and Paris Hilton have the same thinning hairline. And don't even get me started on Lindsay Lohan!
I wonder if dying her hair affected baby (meaning Christina). Aren't you supposed to stop coloring your hair when you are pregnant?
How dare Ashlee desecrate my favorite Beatle's song like that.
Also, Jessica needs to read The Rules. I know we make fun of that book on here, but that girl needs to learn how to pull it back a bit.
Oh Nikki, no. Ew.
HAHAHAHA NIKKI COX HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
thats all i have to say about that.
Aww I love that Bright Eyes song! That's so cute I'm almost tearing up.
1. I love how Intern Sharon is referred to as "Intern Sharon" throughout.
2. Angie IS a wonder woman. No doubt.
3. Who really cares about celebs' beach bodies? Not I.
4. Good on Jen and John for having a sexy love life. Everyone needs a little kink.
5. I can haz xtina's body?
God, my man didn't but me a bicycle until it was years into our relationship. Come to think of it, my man also hasn't won ANY Tour de Forces! The hell?
That was the scariest scrolldown in history. Jesus, did she eat bad shellfish or something?
Also, the number one way that Jessica Simpson can ruin a relationship is by fucking BEING Jessica Simpson. Waste of hair extensions, people.
Can anyone tell me who is on the lower left and upper right corners of the Star cover? Danke!
Deep breath--that Bright Eyes song is my goddamn ringtone. And they've ruined it.
ANDBEGORRAH SMASH.
Oh, and first song is BRIGHT EYES?
What an emotastic time!
Poor Nikki Cox.
Yo, if J-lo got 10 mill. for her twins, I'd say Brange deserves at least 15. Let the market decide!
@The Merovingian Princess: Yes. Strangely, I learned this on Pop-Up Video because they were showing the video for "I Love the Nightlife." Apparently Alicia Bridges did not have cropped hair by choice, but because she'd bleached her hair within an inch of its life.
Okay, is one of the mandates of overabundant plastic surgery that you also must sport clumpy, mascara-glued eyelashes?
Nikki Cox looks like a caricature of herself.
oh lordy nikki cox is starting to look like that jocelyn wildenstein or whatever her name is. the cat lady. the scary scary cat lady.
@kai1984: Upper right is SJP, I think.
Jennifer Aniston would have whip cream lovemaking sessions.
Wait, am I supposed to think that Gisele got a nose job and a boob job? Because I'm not buying it.
who is Nikki Cox? Also, that john Mayer/ Jen Anniston thing made me vomit in my mouth a little.
Sounds like Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer's "wild sex life" is right out of Cosmo. Ice cubes? Really? Tell me more!
@AthertonMerriweather: I think I might even have posted that suggestion before, which is truly sad since I am totally anti-rules (OBVS!). But it's not like Jess is going to pick up some actual self esteem and shake off the daddy issues in time to win back Tony, so in the meantime, the Rules might speak in a language she can hear.
@The Merovingian Princess: Postpartum hair loss is actually pretty common. Blame the hormones, not the bleach.
Life & Style is crazy if they are really claiming that Nicole Richie is 'curvy'.
@M.Wyeth: Well, it would stand to reason that one who tries waaaay too hard in public would also try waaaay too hard in private.
In regards to this quote:
Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have a "wild sex life!" A source says, "He covers her with whipped cream, which he licks off, tickles her with feathers and uses ice cubes to give her goosebumps."
And pee. Don't forget the pee.
...er, or so I've heard.
@ineffable.me: Add the eyeliner, hair straightener, and skinny tie = they need a new word. Emo is not enough.
@ineffable.me: I'm sure she looks at herself everymorning and says "that was a stupid thing i did, that was"
@The Merovingian Princess: Some women shed hair after the birth of a child. Perhaps she's one of them. It does grow back in time. Hormones...
@Rhody: in that case, i bet there's a lot of candle wax in the butt action going on too... those wild celebs!
Dodai, off subject here but you mentioned a song from 'The Wiz' and I have been dying to see a revival of 'The Wiz' on Broadway..without Fantasia being in the show. Just thinking...
Oh my God! She's Charo!!!
WTF happened to Nikki Cox? Do people have the goal in life to look like a Wildenstein?
@madktdisease: a couple i'm friends with had someone siong that song live while the bride walked down the aisle. but ashlee and pete make me wanna vom.
oh and where is the "aging male gut" beach issue
What is the Star doing taking pictures of my chewedbubblegum ass?
I still can't get over the fact that Shania was married for so very long to man who calls himself "Mutt"
@KIbbit: well but she still went out in public, right? and smiled? shes nikki cox, no one cares about her and if she stayed home until her face... well, until something happened to her face, no one would wonder where she had gone to.
You know, I wouldn't really appreciate anyone taking secret photos of me on the beach in a bathing suit and then judging every aspect of my body, and I have a feeling the editors of Star wouldn't like it either. Maybe they shouldn't do it, then. Call me crazy.
Maybe Jessica can cover Ashlee's version of "Shadow" now?
@Rhody: I'll bet she uses the scrunchy on him.
@EasyEVG: OOOH SHIIIIT!
well played.
My thoughts on the cellulite issues: yeah, they are probably unfair but celebrities lives are totally unfair. They make ridiculous amounts of money for very little work or talent, get perks and benefits that are totally out of proportion to the rest of the world, have teams of professionals to make them look like Gods at public events, perpetuate stereotypes of what people should look like with their airbrushed, photoshopped pictures....etc.
If the tradeoff is that we see what they look like when they aren't being airbrushed....I don't see anyone quitting the industry over it. And I don't think it's "ew cellulite is nasty!" I think it's, "everyone has it, so don't worry yourself to anorexia over it".
I personally don't buy the cellulite issues, but they don't really offend me as much as botoxed/plastic surgeried/airbrushed boneheads talking about how their beauty regimen is "water and rest".
That list of hot guys is almost enough to make me buy the magazine. I have very hot dreams about Matt Lauer. Plus, Prince Harry wooo!!!