I imagine Ashlee's wedding to be straight out of Tom Petty's "Don't Come Round Here No More" video. Complete with Jessica Simpson as the head in the cake everyone cuts into at the end.

What is up with those Simpson ladies and Alice in Wonderland? Or do I smell a Papa Joe obsession?

Obvious BI: Heather Mills

How on earth did Pete Doherty play football? The man can barely stand upright.

@Cuteasabutton: How on earth did Pete Doherty manage to impregnate someone? It's been playing on my mind for the past 5 years...

Mmmm. Drug-fueled psychosis is a great theme for a wedding.

Blind Item: Dame Judi Dench

@AthertonMerriweather: that video freaked me out when i was a kid.

BI: Heather Mills?

Barbara Walters on Star Jones: "I mean, we had to lie for her. And I was worried about my own credibility."

Y'know, call me shallow and bitchy or whatever, but I kind of love the ongoing Baba vs. Star snarkfest.

Oh hey, its the "Your kid is a worse derelict addict than mine" game! Both Amy and Blake's parents need to either step in and get them help or STFU.

George Clooney= Nice Improvement!

@AthertonMerriweather: Heh. I've given up. Stop.

Now that's the Mariah Carey I love. Until the magical-fairy-princess-butterfly-rainbow-unicorn-cake is cut, I refuse to believe they are married.

I watched Indiana Jones movies all weekend and cannot wait for the new one. There is no way it can be worse than Temple of Doom. Plus Cate Blanchett!!

@KathrynwithaY loves Joan Collins: Jinx! Ya beat me to it. Do I owe you a Coke?

@sjct: I don't know, but I feel pretty useless because I can't figure it out, despite it being "incredibly obvious."

Well of course Posh wouldn't be caught dead in hiking boots- apparently she can't concentrate unless she's wearing heels- hiking boots would be a danger to her health.

Yeah, Blake's Mum wouldn't let Amy walk the streets like that if she was her daughter, but I never saw Blake being dragged home by his ear. Pot kettle?

I need brownies, my litter of piggies is due any day!

When Pete's eyebrows started offering guests hits from a hookah, things got curiouser and curiouser.

Okay, I'm just going to call Blake's mom "Mother Incarcerated."

Mother Incarcerated, you need to shut the hell up with that "If Amy was my daughter, she wouldn't be roaming the streets on drugs" or whatever you said. If we're judging them by parents (instead of grown adults making bad choices) then I would say you haven't done a good job of keeping Blake out the gutter.

So you leave my girl Amy alone. I hope she write a song about you.

OK, I thought JSimp and Tony Romo had split up? I guess not.

Two women I do not like: Jessica Biel and Kate Hudson. I'd bet anything Jessica Biel's publicist planted that item because it's been reported frequently that JT steps out behind her back and has throughout the courtship. And Kate Hudson's people apparently wanted it out there that Owen Wilson's supposed suicide attempt (still not buying that one) was about his remorse over "losing" Kate Hudson when in fact it was just a guy with a drug problem that got out of hand and had nothing to do with her. I find that low, trying to take credit for someone's troubles.

@Pinkosaurus: Seriously, that book and movie scared me as a kid.

However, I am surprised that the theme for Ashlee and Pete's wedding wasn't "The Nightmare Before Christmas" or whatever the fake goth kids at Hot Topic are into these days. Papa Joe probably stepped in and said "No! We need something more marketable and photo worthy! I know, let's recycle the Alice in Wonderland thene from The Newlyweds!"

@BlondeGrlz: There's a review at Gawker. Karen Allen is back! Check out the pics of her and Shia. Body language to spare, behbeh.

P.S. I am not a game show host.

@sjct: Hahaha sure! Great minds...

@KathrynwithaY loves Joan Collins: Papa Joe stepped in with the shotgun from Tom Petty's video. It all went downhill from there.

Kevin Federline's lawyer: "If I had to hire an investigator or investigators to provide me with the intelligence about what's going on, where they are, how are they doing, it would be north of half a million to a million dollars ... as opposed to buying People magazine for $3.95 on Thursday morning or going on TMZ."

Are the paparazzi really really good or is Federline's lawyer just really cheap and lazy?

I'm guessing it's the former, because K-Fed's legal team probably isn't cheap and lazy, given that he's come out of all this basically smelling like a rose (a Marlboro Lites and Cheetos-scented rose, but whatever.)

So does this mean that the gossip mills and paparazzi are actually pretty good at what they do, if K-Fed's lawyers think they're reliable enough? And also, why do I care so much? I DON'T KNOW.

@AthertonMerriweather: I swear, that was my first thought when I read "Alice in Wonderland" themed reception. LORD. Yeah, I bet Jess looked REAL happy. At least Tony didn't make her go alone.

Can the Amy/Blake Incarcerated mess get anymore messier? Those are some whacked-out folks there.

Lance Armstong gets around.

Keep it classy, Spiedi!

Can someone please remind Heidi and Spencer that their 15 minutes of fame have been over for 2 years?

@Trixie from Toronto: Jessica is just trying to cover the fact that she and I have had a secret thing going for a while now. Hollywood would go crazy if they knew!

To residents of Mustique: take necessary action NOW to prevent Paris Hilton from co-opting your name for her next fragrance.

@Trixie from Toronto: no, they did. romo went with her as sorta a pity date, if sources can be believed.

The "Island of Mustique" sounds like a very cheap and sleezy men's cologne, about like "Sex Panther."

@Trixie from Toronto: See, call me slow, but I thought JT was still with Cameron Diaz (not that I've given it that much thought, obvs) So is she one of the ones he's been sneaking around with or did I just miss the boat completely?

@Trixie from Toronto: Y'know, I was kinda offended by the "OMG Owen is heeearrrtbroken without Kate!" thing too. The media doesn't need to pump out more stories of people being "omg I'm so incomplete if I don't have lurve!" Case in point: How long has Jennifer Aniston been portrayed as some kind of a martyr now? Like since dinosaur times, right?

It sounds like the guy had a LOT of problems of his own that couldn't have stemmed from whatever fake butterscotchy relationship he had going at the time.

@CMG: The original uncensored version of that video, in which the Alice slicing results in graphic "Bodies Revealed" exhibit-style blood-and-guts innards rather than cake pieces, would've really provided nightmare fuel.

I've never seen this version, and I don't know that it's possible to do so (no YouTube hits), but I remember one of the MTV VJs (such an '80s relic, like Nintendo 1-900 game counselors) terrifying me with that story after the edited video aired.

@gherkinfiend: Oh god, that doesn't bear thinking about. Too scary. Just looking at a photo of him makes me want to take a bath in hospital-grade disinfectant.

@Rooo sez BISH PLZ: Yeah, he also tried using the Tom Petty song "Don't Come Around Here No More" to get rid of Pete, but unfortunately, it didn't work.

I'd just like to point out that not only did Asshat Spencer not just leave a $16 (the producer who was filming with them dropped another $60 out of his own pocket after being confronted by their server) but $720 of the $783 bill were spent on shots of Patron - 12 at $60 a shot, apparently. I'm just curious if that's a new world record for the tequila-to-food ratio on a restaurant bill. I can just think of so many other food or wine/liquor things I'd spend $720 (if I had $720).

@funnyface: Or Designer Impostors cologne you can get at Wal-Mart...If you like Sex Panther, than you'll love Island of Mustique.

@Cuteasabutton: Sorry to start your week with such a ghastly thought!

@expatriatedjerseyan: Yikes! That's more money than I can comprehend at one time.

I mean, I've had pretty abysmal tequila-to-food ratios on my restaurant bills before, but I can barely drink my way through $30 at freakin' Chili's.

And Pratag show yet again why we need to get rid of tipping.

And we thought the Disney wedding dresses were bad, at least they were of adult characters. At least they had a ready made Jabberwocky in Papa Simpson. Was Jessica Tweedle Dum or Tweedle Dee?

@expatriatedjerseyan: Confronted by the server - that's a bit much.

Couldn't they have just bought the bottle? If I had to listen to either one of them speak, I'd want to be blitzed.

@garbageday: ew! i don't even want to think about an uncensored version.