Big Hair Is Sexy, Cigarettes Whiten Teeth, Not Having Cellulite Is Awesome

Sometimes you can't even get to the heart of the editorial content of a magazine because there are so many ads. And while a few ads are innocuous, pretty or straightforward, many are just bad. Hence, Badvertising! After the jump, some of the worst advertisements from recent issues of Elle, Allure and Glamour.

Big Hair Is Sexy, Cigarettes Whiten Teeth, Not Having Cellulite Is AwesomeS

Why hello there, dear. The words that come to mind immediately are "exquisite corpse." Yeah, it means something else, but damn. She is dead in the eyes. The lip gloss is purty, though! And positioning her mouth thusly doesn't make me think of swollen labia, no, not at all!!

Big Hair Is Sexy, Cigarettes Whiten Teeth, Not Having Cellulite Is AwesomeS

Okay, so the copy claims that this product is "the end of overprocessed blonde," but over there on the right, Ms. Johansson's hair looks sorta overprocessed. To me. I know it's in the light, but is it supposed to look like cotton candy? Or is she imagining better tresses, hence the title "Dream Blonde"? Also, L'Oreal, You Have Taken The Title Case Thing Too Far, Methinks.

Big Hair Is Sexy, Cigarettes Whiten Teeth, Not Having Cellulite Is AwesomeS

Look, I have no idea what the hell goes on under the hood of a car, but I do know that you don't need sunglasses to check out an engine. It's like they're trying to be pro-woman with a bad-ass chick mechanic, but from the way she's holding that wrench to the faux grease on her arms, it's clear she doesn't know what the fuck she's doing. "Genuine since 1937." Really? Also, this whole image is very Herb Ritts circa 1990, when Carre Otis was hot. Show me something new.

Big Hair Is Sexy, Cigarettes Whiten Teeth, Not Having Cellulite Is AwesomeS

Guess what? If my birth control method fails I am not going to "Be Calm." I am going to freak the fuck out. Then I'm gonna read that thing Moe wrote about Plan B and throw up.

Big Hair Is Sexy, Cigarettes Whiten Teeth, Not Having Cellulite Is AwesomeS

You know what else makes me freak out? When someone suggests that "we girls" should freak out less. We make less money than men, are expected to be thin and hairless and we have the crampy bleeds every 26 days. A body wash solves nothing. Fuck off.

Big Hair Is Sexy, Cigarettes Whiten Teeth, Not Having Cellulite Is AwesomeS

Correct me if I am wrong, but waxing is not an orgasmic, kick up your heels, throw-your-head-back-in-ecstasy experience as illustrated here, is it?

Big Hair Is Sexy, Cigarettes Whiten Teeth, Not Having Cellulite Is AwesomeS

The copy reads, "Unleash the enchantment of Brazil," and there's some sort of kudzu emerging from her crotch.

Big Hair Is Sexy, Cigarettes Whiten Teeth, Not Having Cellulite Is AwesomeS

As a rule, if you have to put the word "SEXY" in electric lights behind you, then you are not sexy. And this is no exception. These ladies, none of whom are wearing pants, want me to believe that "big hair is sexy," and they appear to be in possession of yards and yards of extensions. And the bedraggled, voluminous crazytown hair, frankly, looks like crap. Try to count the number of times the word "sexy" appears, then ask yourself: Why is there so much going on in an ad for hairspray?

Big Hair Is Sexy, Cigarettes Whiten Teeth, Not Having Cellulite Is AwesomeS

Oh, sure, I always wear a cropped white jacket and wedges to the beach. They match my enormous leather bag. Oh, wait: Is that actually Ms. Kimora Lee Simmons herself? Never mind, then. This is accurate. Move along, nothing to see here.

Big Hair Is Sexy, Cigarettes Whiten Teeth, Not Having Cellulite Is AwesomeS

Pinocchio's sister dreams that someday, Diet Coke will turn her into a real girl. And cure migraines.

Big Hair Is Sexy, Cigarettes Whiten Teeth, Not Having Cellulite Is AwesomeS

Haha, wow, OMG you guys, not having cellulite looks like SO MUCH FUN!

Big Hair Is Sexy, Cigarettes Whiten Teeth, Not Having Cellulite Is AwesomeS

Aww, nostalgia! These happy white people have been in this same Newport ad since I was a kid. There's another one with happy black people. The greatest thing about Newport ads is how white everyone's teeth are. Smoking other cigarettes may discolor and rot your gums and give you oral cancer, but Newports are basically Crest White Strips!