Stefanie Woods is a photogenic 18-year-old whose crime spree has captivated idyllic Palm Beach. If Law & Order taught me anything it's that she's also a sociopath. But see if you think I'm giving humanity too much credit: it all started when Woods, a part-time model, started chatting up a nine-year-old Girl Scout selling cookies outside a Wynn Dixie. Then she had a friend grab the kid's envelope of $168 and ran back to her car. (This crime was convicted as petty theft and has been referred to in media reports as a "ripoff" but I am pretty sure there are states in which you'd call it "robbery," especially if her name had been so curiously spelled by a non-Caucasian parent, but whatevs.) Okay, then she came back to the same grocery store, and bragged about what she'd pulled off. Then she gave the finger to news cameras. She declared her lack of remorse before a camera.
She told a judge she was a drug addict who had taken Xanax, Ecstasy, OxyContin, heroin, coke and LSD, to which the judge replied, "If all that is true, you should be dead," a statement that becomes immeasurably more accurate without its preambulatory clause. She also: skipped out on a Denny's bill — Denny's! thank the deities for poetic justice — and stabbed her boyfriend with a pocket knife and keyed his car...Oh, I don't know, maybe she's just a worthless drug addict. Anyway now she's finally going away, to juvi, and apparently also "crying," and definitely also sporting a fresh set of highlights. Who knows, maybe she will become even more famous in prison. The Mumia Abu-Jamal of our Generation. Then I can die.
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Paris Hilton Of Palm Beach Has A Problem [NPR]
Girl Scout Cookie Thief Sentenced [Fox 29]
"You Should Be Dead" [Palm Beach Post]
The Part Where She Skips Out On A Denny's Tab [CBS 12]
Videogum Weighs In [Videogum]
"I Don't Know, Doesn't Everybody Like Money? [Fox 29]
"If Ian MacKaye Were Here, He Would Grab That Frappuccino Out Of Her Hand And Smash It Over Her Head And Say, 'Chill Out'" [Metatribes]