Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. This week, "boys want" Christina Aguilera's boobs, someone would like to slice Lily Allen's belly and someone else offers rape tips. Another great week of "writing" "gossip" on the Internet! Bloggers' continued degradation of female celebrity bodies and their corresponding punishments, after the jump. Let the Jezebel Justice system begin!
The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Icky sexualization of mammaries.
The Evidence: "Xtina's Rack — What a Boy Wants. They're real (allegedly) and they're spectacular!" See, here's the thing. Sure, breasts are sexualized in certain cultures, but Christina Aguilera: 1. Has implants and 2. Is a new mother who may still be breastfeeding. So it's supposedly funny to write "What a boy wants" cuz like, she had that song, "What A Girl Wants," but actually most men don't "want" milk-filled silicone jugs, do they? Unless by "boy" you mean "child under 2."
The Sentence: Watch the video for "Fighter" 250 times and write a 1000 word essay on these lyrics: "It makes me that much stronger/Makes me work a little bit harder/It makes me that much wiser/So thanks for making me a fighter/Made me learn a little bit faster/Made my skin a little bit thicker/Makes me that much smarter/So thanks for making me a fighter."
The Accused, via reader submission: The Superficial
The Crime: A vile commenter who dreams of homicide.
The Evidence: On topless photos of Lily Allen, Andy writes: "If I were stranded in the Artic[sic] in the dead of winter, I'd slice open that huge belly and crawl inside to keep warm and survive the night. Otherwise I wouldn't touch this disgusting fat pig." Lily Allen is many things, but she is not a tauntaun. Says our reader,"Although there have been some egregious things said in regard to females, their sexuality and their very being, this by far was the most appalling comment I have ever read." Agreed. And thanks for the e-mail.
The Sentence: A one-way ticket to the Arctic to be mauled by a polar bear and experience frostbite.
The Accused, via reader submission: IDontLikeYouInThatWay.com
The Crime: Rape jokes, a gossip-blog favorite.
The Evidence: "Trannycat Doll lead singer(?), Nicole Scherzinger, has taken the first step in dispelling all the rumors that everyone in this group has cocks by getting out of a car at Villa in Hollywood. Despite what my ex-girlfriend tells you, I've seen a lot of vaginas up close, so I'm comfortable saying this chick has one. I guess this is good news. She also looks like Pocahontas, so if you're thinking about raping her, you can say it was just for a history project." How many times to I have to type this? RAPE JOKES. NOT FUCKING FUNNY.
The Sentence: 5,000 word essay on the book "Exterminate Them": Written Accounts of the Murder, Rape, and Slavery of Native Americans During the California Gold Rush, 1848-1868.
That's it for the accused today. We don't have very many because they are usually culled by our own Maria-Mercedes Lara, and she's been out this week. Why? Because she graduated from Eugene Lang, the Liberal Arts College of The New School University, TODAY! She was a double major in both literature and writing. Congrats, Maria!
And if ever any of you see a Crime Against Womanity, don't hesitate to send the link and a short description to firstname.lastname@example.org with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.