Isn't The Swimsuit Just Inherently Evil?

There are few garments I loathe more than the swimsuit. I don't really like going in water, or getting sand in my crotch, or getting urinary tract infections from the sand and sweat and chlorinated water in my crotch, or being reminded of how unforgivably white my skin is, or how inexplicably tan everyone else managed to get (WTF?), or what imminent cancer feels like. HOWEVER. There's a story about the return of retro swimsuits in today's Times that rips off an Observer article of a fortnight ago that reminded me of the real reason I dislike swimsuits: they are inherently terrible. I mean, here I was, looking at some of these pictures, thinking, "Hey, maybe I could rock one of these things!", and nodding along to lines like "Then again, this is precisely the costume required by the lazy-skinny girl of the moment, the one who eschews Equinox for Spanx, just like grandma," when I realized, Holy shit, did I just almost endorse the swimsuit worn by Annette Funicello in Beach Blanket Bingo; kill me now.

Anyway, it just reminded me that the one time I didn't mind my swimsuit was a period during which I worked as a lifeguard and the style was to layer swimsuits: a new tight Speedo underneath, with the chlorine-loosened uniform Speedo over that — bringing back layering could be cool — but even then the only reason I could stand it was that I had enough time, what with lifeguarding being the world's laziest job, to apply enough sunscreen and self-tanner to be actually somewhat tan. So yeah, those days are over, and the swimsuit is dead to me now. But I'm open to suggestions!

Out With Vegas, In With Vamp [NYT]
Golly! Be a Hot Tamale In Kamali [Observer]