This Week In Tabloids: Jessica Is Dumped; Nicole's In Tears & It's Lindsay's Fault

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we search for actual news amongst the blaring headlines of the weekly celebrity magazines. Today Jessica Simpson has earned herself two covers for being (maybe) dumped by Tony Romo and (maybe) jealous that John Mayer is with Jennifer Aniston. Reese Witherspoon gets a cover because she might marry Jake Gyllenhaal. Nicole Richie gets a cover because her baby daddy Joel Madden was seen sitting next to Lindsay Lohan. And Brad Pitt gets a cover and the headline "Brad Walks Away," because he is pictured, um, walking away. Intern Sharon assists in our thirsty quest for the quench of juicy gossip in In Touch, Life & Style, Star, OK! and Us.

OK!
"Ready To Wed!" Here's the gist: Reese Witherspoon doesn't want her children to see her living "in sin," so she won't let Jake Gyllenhaal move in until they're married. But! The kids love him. So conditions are perfect. "Hollywood Big Mouths" is a 2-page spread out OK!'s favorite pouty lips. Janice Dickinson, Anne Hathaway and Ali Lohan are honored.
Grade: F (salt water)






Us
"Stabbed In The Heart!" Intern Sharon says, "That is so emo." Jessica Simpson is so distraught that her ex John Mayer is with Jen Aniston that she's been turning to alcohol. Apparently she went out with her friend CaCee Cobb (who is dating Scrubs star Donald Faison) and they all knocked back so many margaritas that Jess had to call her mom for a ride — and it was the night before Mother's Day! (CaCee drank so much she "puked a little under the table," says a source.) This story goes on for eight pages and there's a chart called "Jess Vs. Jen: The two share more than just John Mayer" where the ladies are shown in bikinis so you can compare them. Classy. Moving on: Liv Tyler and Royston Langdon are dunzo, but they want to be civil, so it's easy on their son Milo. A source says, "They fell out of love." Sniff. Heath Ledger's Joker action figure is selling out at toy stores, although it's not really a collectible or worth anything. People just want to own it. Blind item! "Which Golden Globe-winning TV star was disinvited[sic] from her own sister's wedding because her family is so distrustful of her long-time beau? Says a source, 'Her mom thinks the guys is a mooch.'" Also inside: Tom Cruise holds people so tightly his hand leaves a mark (Fig. 1). Are Britney and Kevin reconciling? The exes have a "camraderie," says a source. Jennifer Lopez's sister Lynda Lopez is expecting, if you care. Angelina's "bizarre baby plan" is to have the kid in France. Also, Us points out that Star reported that Angie has gestational diabetes, but it's not true; and Star claims she is having twins, but she says "my baby" when discussing her pregnancy. Also, Brad and Angelina will not get married any time soon, because it would complicate their finances. Lastly, there's a four-page Sex And The City story with cocktail recipes and quiz.
Grade: D- (gray water)

In Touch
"Brad Walks Away" Apparently Brad and Angie have been arguing because she doesn't want to get married and he was spotted drinking alone at a bar on the coast of France. (But, um, she can't go drinking with him, she's pregnant.) Maybe she has a fear of commitment because of her parents' divorce, speculates a psychologist who does not treat her. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan bitched out a girl who was talking to Samantha Ronson while Sam was DJing. LL pointed at the woman and screamed, "You're a slut!" Apparently the look on LL's face was "scary." Britney's "mystery bump" is probably due to the fact that she's on Prozac and Zoloft and eating a lot. Lastly: Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham has pages from fashion magazines up in her closet. "When she can't think of what to wear, she closes her eyes, spins around, and points at a picture. That will be what she wears."
Grade: D- (purified water)

Life & Style
"Friends Fear That Jessica Got Dumped Again!" While Tony Romo was at Uncle Fatty's Rum Resort in Chicago, he told his buddies that he and Jessica Simpson had split. That same night, Jessica drowned her sorrows in booze and burritos. Jen Aniston has a new love and a new body! She only eats salad, sez the mag. Jen is telling people that John is more adventurous than she's used to — and she likes it! Angelina has been relaxing in France in a bikini. "Angie loves her pregnant body," crows a caption. Lastly: Vince Vaughn turned down a threesome with two goth sisters and they sold their tale (and picture) to the mag. (Fig. 2)
Grade: D+ (sparkling water)

Star
"Nicole In Tears!" At Crown Bar in L.A., Joel Madden and Lindsay Lohan sat next to each other. "Their heads were practically touching and his leg was over hers," says a spywitness. When Paris Hilton saw what was happening, she made a huge deal of it and made sure everyone saw. Then she texted Nicole with the news. One source says Lindsay is clueless and "just doesn't get that she crosses the line." Another source says Nicole thinks Lindsay is a horrible human being. Moving on: Newlywed Nick Cannon is so happy, "My cheeks hurt from smiling so hard," he says. Kate Bosworth is "back to bones." She is 5'7" and 102 lbs. Apparently when she was with Orlando Bloom, he would tell her she had puffy cheeks and she got down to 100 lbs. Then she was back up to 113 lbs., but her new boyfriend is a model and very weight-conscious. Also inside: Scarlett Johansson says she never thought she'd get married so young but Ryan Reynolds "kept asking, at least for the last six months. He just wore me down." Lauren Conrad and Doug Reinhardt are already dunzo: She was too clingy, he was just in it for the fame. "Doug spent all his time looking for his pictures in magazines and Googling himself," says a source. Heidi Montag scandal! "This summer, Heidi plans to wear loose clothes and even strap on some padding around the waist, to make it look like she's three months along," says an insider. She and Spencer will refuse to confirm or deny anything to keep the rumor mill going. John Mayer wants to impress Jen Aniston, so he spent $6,000 on gifts for her: $600 patent leather YSL pumps; $2,175 quilted leather Prada bag and three 18K gold bangles for $1,150 each. Kristin Davis is not like Charlotte York because she is an alcoholic who no longer drinks. At all. Fresh-out-of-rehab Kirsten Dunst was seen drinking at a NYC bar; she slammed whiskey shots and rum and cokes and she was out of control. Relapse! Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz will get married in Mexico and honeymoon there, too. Pete's gonna wear sneakers with his tux. (Intern Sharon says, " I wouldn't expect anything else.) Suri Cruise drinks a special Scientology formula that is made from barley water, organic milk and organic raw honey. Sometimes it coagulates into an unappetizing yellow. A pediatrician who does not treat Suri says she may not be getting the vitamins she needs. Plus, honey can rot babies' teeth. But Scientologists don't believe in breastfeeding.
Grade: C- (mineral water)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Send an email to Dodai, the author of this post, at dodai@jezebel.com.

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