Jezebel
Journalist Susannah Breslin keeps a website that we've mentioned here before, called 'Letters From Johns', on which she posts letters from dudes who frequent prostitutes. The most recent entry starts this way: "I've often heard women wonder why men with sexy wives or girlfriends would solicit prostitutes. The answer really is simple: Even Marilyn Monroe could get a little boring after a few years, and having sex with other women is fun. Just like skiing is fun, or eating chocolate cake, or playing a slot machine, or riding a roller coaster." It reminded me of an article I read on GQ's website yesterday, called Divorce: The Ultimate Aphrodisiac, where the author, Adam Sachs, is describing the demise of his marriage. His wife cheated on him, which came as a shock, because Sachs always figured, "I always thought I'd be the one who'd fuck it up."
And why did he think he'd be the one to ruin the marriage? "As a travel writer, I live an easy, pampered life. And like many without real cares, I am not unfamiliar with the urge to drive the happy bus off the side of the mountain just to see what happens," Sachs writes. "Complicating this is that disease of the brain called chronic male horniness. I used to tell people that the world will never seem more teeming with beautiful, fascinating, fuckable people than on the sunny afternoon when you walk to the post office carrying a box full of your wedding invitations."
My problem with that statement is not that he thought about fucking other people — everyone with a pulse, regardless of how much in love they are, thinks about fucking other people — it's that he attributes it to chronic male horniness, as if women couldn't possibly understand what it's like to lust after strangers. The John's reasoning is identical to Sachs's. Even fucking Marilyn Monroe gets boring, he exclaims. Well you know what, Adam, getting boned by George Clooney probably loses its luster after a couple of years, too! The fact that I even need to point out that all humans, regardless of gender, have biological urges is completely ridiculous, but I guess I'm going to have to keep doing it until men take intellectual responsibility for their wandering Johnsons.
Divorce: The Ultimate Aphrodisiac [Men.Style.Com]
I've Seen Every Kind Of Hooker Going [Letters From Johns]
Comments
That man just looks like Douche personified.
Men are douches, blah blah blah. Now who do I have to fuck to get a job as a travel writer?
Blasphemy! I'll never get tired of Intern George!
Um, but seriously, yeah, everything there made sense except the "male" part of it. Everyone thinks of driving the happy bus off the mountains sometimes.
I have a cure for chronic male horniness: how about you masturbate instead of trying to cheat, you skeevy pricks? Then you can fantasize about whoever you want, which is fine, since your wife will almost certainly be fantasizing about boning someone who doesn't compare cheating to chocolate cake.
Having sex with other women is fun? You know what I find fun? Turning my rings around and punching idiotic men in the scrotum.
The easy solution for dudes suffering from "chronic male horniness" (ew) is to not get married or be in a monogamous relationship. Go out and boink whoever you want and nobody'll give a shit.
It's an interesting problem, though. Why does marriage oblige sexual fidelity?
This makes me groan. As long as men continue to think that it is their right to be allowed to spew this garbage and think it sounds fine, they will continue to take that as an excuse to try and sleep with any female they can. Whatever happened to liking what you have? Or is that just "biologically" impossible now?
I dated a guy who looked just like that dude. He had a small penis. The end.
I like how they all seem to think we want them too and they're so good at it.
Most of 'em aren't.
Yes, Jessica! Rah Rah Rah.
Divorce is not the ultimate aphrodisiac. It's money, followed by power and Mallomars.
Get it ladies? I'm gonna put this in words or something that you can understand, since there's no way your brain could wrap its tiny little feminine self around the concept like "chronic male horniness", it's like how you can get tired of eating chocolate cake! or knitting the same pattern over and over again! or making the same dinner every night!
@Rhody: Most of them do, strangely enough. Overcompensation? It's like that dating thread from last week: the not cute ones seem to be even worse that the genuinely attractive ones.
None of them seems to get the point that one hallmark of being a civilized human being is that you make an attempt at *controlling* your urges. Yes, honey, I understand that you may look at a pretty woman and want to fuck her. And I understand that 2 minutes later you may see another pretty woman you want to fuck. What actually matters is what you DO.
@SarahMC: Is he trying to do double digit multiplication in his head, or is he trying to figure out if that smell is coming from him?
break up with girl 1 before cheating w/ girl 2. or just be upfront that you have WGS, wandering genital syndrome.
oh this shitbag isn't even worth it Jezzies, he's going to rot in a purgatory of his own making one day, just you wait.
But if The Womens start enjoying sex, what will all the two-bit comics do with their "Not tonight, honey, I have a headache" jokes? My god, think of the crappy, dying sitcoms!
You attribute the need to stray to "chronic male horniness", but your wife is the one who cheated. Damn all of her testosterone.
@ineffable.me: Perfect. COTD!
@Miss-Pringle: That's a very good question.
I am so glad that my marriage doesn't.
Well, obviously, I am not sending the future Mr. M to the post office with the wedding invitations as to avoid the whole issue. Thanks for being servicey, dude!
@Miss-Pringle:
What would the point of marriage be then?
Just stay in a loose relationship then.
Our society is built around families...if everyone was screwing everyone, who would take care of the children?!!?! :)
@Miss-Pringle: It doesn't always. Some people have open marriages, or other arrangements. It's about being honest about whether you're sexually exclusive or not, whether you're married, in a long-term unmarried relationship, or just starting to commit.
The point is, if you say you're not going to fuck around with other people, DON'T FUCK AROUND WITH OTHER PEOPLE. You don't get a free pass because boys will be boys or some stupid shit.
@Rhody:
Did he smell bad, and did he cry after sex? Because I bet this guy goes.
@Begorrah: oh, the humanity!
Erm, doesn't the testosterone give dudes kind of a natural leg up in the chronic horniness game? Just sayin'... Biologically, I think they do have a higher hill to climb.
BUT. Chronic horniness has nothing to do with infidelity. Boredom, weak will, loss of respect for spouse, egomania, stupidity...these are a few actual causes of infidelity.
@nicebrownboy: You are incorrect. It is personal hygiene, the answers to what is happening on LOST, and Pinwheels.
@nicebrownboy: So mallomars are completely interchangeable with respect? I think I can get on board of that one. (Also, let's replace the money and the power with Twinkies and Doritos, respectively).
(Now I have "Money, Power and Respect..." playing on a loop in my head).
@hamburgerhotdog: Can I be on your team? I've fucked like, two dudes who were ever worth their salt. And both were assholes.
Yeah, Louis C-K addresses this very issue: guys, look in the fucking mirror. Do you REALLY think your wife is thrilled to death with THAT? He then does this hilarious kind of "deep breath with a sigh" to show a woman resigning herself/squaring her shoulders for yet another trip down there . . . okay, I guess you have to see it.
@Miss-Pringle: 'Cause if I beat my cheating partner senseless I'll get charged with assault, and incarceration is not so good for marital health (sorry, Blake and Amy!)
I get what you mean though, and have been reading "Against Love" and "The Monogamy Myth," which are great at confirming my more cynical instincts. However, I think the point of the post is that it's gendered and one-sided, which is lame.
I love the fact that this man is the poster-boy for douche.
@nellicat: I will admit - I love me some Louis CK. Even Lucky Louie was hilarious - haters be damned.
@MsDirector: Exactly. Do what you say you're going to do and just be honest about things. It will save you many a headache.
I can kind of understand the "I always thought I'd be the one who'd fuck it up" feeling though. If my marriage was going to break up because one of us made stupid decisions, it would be my fault. My husband is way too lazy to have a clandestine affair. But I ruin his theory, because I'm a woman.
Again, I have a no-excuses policy on cheating. You do it, I cut your balls off with my pinking shears. That's right. My pinking shears. Because after I cut a guy's balls off, I like to do arts and motherfucking crafts.
@Charlotte Corday: Now that you've coined Wandering Genital Syndrome, i give approximately 3 days before some pharmacutical company comes up with a drug for it, complete with cheesy commercial and catchy jingle.
omg, the john is SUCH a fucking limp dicked cliche.
I like Asian girls (have since I was a teen). I like their skin, their soft features, their hair. I ordered one over in the middle of the day a month ago. I was very horny, and only wanted a little talk before sex, but after fucking her, cumming on her face and helping her clean up, it's always a good time to get to know someone with the remaining part of the hour. She was straight off the boat. With Human Trafficking being the boogie man of the 21st century, I wanted to find out how she came to NYC and this line of work.
Yes! I HATE that men think it is ok for them to cheat because... all men cheat. Makes me so angry!
omfg,I hooked up with this guy at summer camp when i was 13.
Ok, not to be too serious but "male sexual horniness" is a myth that was started by Darwin and has been perpetuated by every facet of our society despite the fact that more scientific evidence comes out every day that females of every species also have non-reproductive, non-monogamous sex! Women buy into it too. The fact is that EVEN IF testosterone was some prehistoric nudge for men to stick their wands into every hole for the sake of the species, now that we have a civilization in which OVERpopulation is a problem and where we have, as a society agreed that at times deferred gratification is crucial to maintain a social structure and institutions, this "chronic male horniness" is a fucking sad excuse for being too much of a selfish child to honor your promise to someone else. If Mr. Travel writer thinks that women are completely content to sleep with the same man from now until eternity, without temptation because she is married and secure, he got another. thing. coming.
@He Hate Me: Exactly. It's not like work, where most people have to work or they don't eat. Why create all the drama by committing yourself and making promises you know you'll break?
I had a "player" cousin who got engaged and then proceeded to have three simultaneous affairs. And he had the gall to be upset when his fiancée found out and dumped his ass.
You know why this pisses me off? I've been hit on by really fuckable guys after getting married and guys that I find incredibly sexy. Still haven't fucked any, because my relationship is monogamous and I play by the book.* It's not that I'm less horny than an average man, it's that, you know, I'm not an instant gratification douche-tard.
And of course because I love my hubs and what we have together blah blah.
This dude a) looks like Joey Fatone and b) looks like his girlfriend just told HIM that she is bored with his penis.
@ineffable.me: I only understand analogies when chocolate is involved! Or kittens! Or the relationship of a famous person like Jennifer Aniston.
@jenalicious: just as long as it's not like those cutesy, happy-couple herp adverts. those freak me out! la-la-la, laughing and walking along the beach, and suddenly, he/she turns to the camera and says, "YES! i have the herp!"
gah!
I've done a tiny bit of travel writing. And I would give my left nut to be able to do it full-time.
Ah, at last a story I can relate to! I was in a relationship for 16 years, married for 6 of those and we split because of my wife having an affair.
The old 'best friend's husband' type of thing.
it came as a shock to me too. When we were together I didn't screw around once, EVER. The 'horny male syndrome thing' is a bag of shite. Everyone (?) likes getting laid, it isn't just a male thing obv, it's a human thing.
I might be ranting now, sorry.
That guy sounds like a prick. End. Of. Story.
@Scoregasm: Like George Clooney.
@Charlotte Corday: This must be what my ex-husband had...WGS. I just thought he was an ass. Good to know there is a formal name for it. But I still will refer to him as that asswipe, WGS or not!
You really made me laugh out loud! Thanks!
Dude, it's really not that hard to NOT get married if you still want to bone everything that moves. You might look like a pathetic Eric Schaeffer type eventually but if you think you are so special and such a hot piece you cannot simply allow one woman to hog all the action, then by all means, go spread it around. Somewhere really far away from me.
Jeez. Marriage isn't a death sentence. I'm not the same person I was 9 years ago, and neither is he. You get to fuck different people, sort of. And you get a guaranteed good time while you're at it.
Duh.
@jenalicious: And perhaps some small child asking mommy if he has WGS because the commercial aired between episodes of American Idol.
@BlondeGrlz: I believe I've found someone: mbprice.
@roodles:
Thank you for posting this. I was just arguing this the other day, but couldn't find a good way to say what you just did. I will attribute you when it comes up again and say, "well according to roodles..."
@MsDirector: point taken. And that's the problem, I think. How marriage actually feels ten years down the road is so very different from the expectations going in. I would never demand absolute fidelity from my husband, because I think it's completely unnatural, and unreasonable. It's a human problem, not a gender issue.