Jezebel
I'm pissed. It's an anger that's been on a slow boil that's beginning to bubble over, and at this point, there's no putting a lid on it. I've been writing about sex on a pretty public platform for some time now, at first anonymously, and then under my real name. I've had to endure ignorant assumptions and cheap shots made about my looks, my weight, my vagina, my tits, my sexual health, my mental health, my morality, my character — and all for what? Being honest? For liking sex? I've poured my guts out all over my keyboard, and I'm well aware that that invites criticism, particularly on the internet, where people think they can say whatever the fuck they please — in the most offensive manner possible that they would never employ in real life — with impunity because they're protected behind a shroud of anonymity. It's frustrating. And lemme tell you, I am so sick of people telling me, "You write about sex and personal issues. You have to accept that people will sling insults." Fuck. That. Shit. I don't have to accept it. I refuse to accept it. Mostly because I know that this wouldn't happen if I were a man.
I'm pissed because people so frequently try to take women down a peg by attacking their sexuality, automatically throwing out names like "whore" and "slut." And that shit happens to me, even though I own my promiscuity. It's even more hurtful when it comes from other women.
Sexual double standards are still annoyingly prevalent, and tearing them down has been my personal crusade as a feminist. Accepting insults cast upon my sex life would be undoing everything I've set out to accomplish. I hate when people say that I fuck so much because I have a low self-esteem, or that I'm lonely, or that I just want attention. In fact, in my first ever post on my personal blog, I stated that the only void I'm trying to fill is the one between my legs. And I know that I'm not the only one. There are tons of other women out there just like me (you're probably reading this right now!), who engage in casual sex purely for the physical merits of it. And I think that we all find comfort or solidarity in sharing our stories with each other, because as women, that's how we do: Bitches love talking.
I feel defeated sometimes knowing that people aren't able to fathom that women don't need a reason to have sex other than just wanting to fuck. It's like, if we aren't in a relationship or prostituting, then there must something wrong with us. By saying that sex is only useful to single women as a commodity devalues our existence.
What's more is that I've never tried to be sexy in my writing. If anything, I like to explore the more unpleasant aspects of sex, because they're more interesting to me (like herpes or queefing). And you know, I don't have any delusions about being completely altruistic. I get plenty of benefits from writing about sex, like this job, for example.
I know I can tend to be all TMI, but I think that's because I place a lot of emphasis on I, and if people think that's TM, then TS. That's much more of a reflection on them than me. I've noticed that the shit I tend to write is like a literary Rorschach test.
And I'm probably preaching to the choir here, since this isn't a common problem I encounter on Jezebel (which actually proves my point that I'm not the only unabashed slut out there). But from here on out, I'm putting my foot down. I'm not taking any shit anymore, because like it or not, it's not gonna keep me from spreading my legs, my anecdotes, or my opinions. Real talk.
Earlier: Queefs: What's The Etiquette For Dealing With Air Up There?
Contrary To Popular Belief, Herpes Is So Whatevs
Last Night I Boned An AVN Award Nominee
Comments
Wanna be lesbians and be girlfriends? Please?
I assume this has to do with all the shit that went down on Gawker last weekend?
Kudos for standing up for yourself.
I agree with you ENTIRELY.
I'm just waiting for the post about today's Dr. Phil. Can we talk about how those idiots are awarded with national platforms to talk about getting pussy when you're attacked?
I don't have a problem with who you fuck or how you do it, but I admit to being freaked out by all the jezeteens out there that are blindingly adoring you/emulating you. Which may or may not be out of your control. That worries me.
I hope you don't stop, because it is entertaining.
The only thing I ever took out of the only Psych class I took is that anyone complaining about anything says more about that person's value system than the subject involved. Insert opinion are like a$$holes statement.
Your writing is raw, and that can offend. However, those people will get offended by something, and you can't make them happy. So Fuck 'em. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
Just give me their address and I'll egg the motherfuckers.
"I know I can tend to be all TMI, but I think that's because I place a lot of emphasis on I, and if people think that's TM, then TS."
That might have to be my new mantra.
Yes! Preach sista! Good on you for your balls, brains and beautiful vadge!
What triggered this today in particular, Tracie? Especially egregious comment or just finally reaching the breaking point with the run-of-the-mill shit you must always get?
BTW, your stuff is pretty much the number one reason I come here (although I love the rest too). I would do it for Pot Psychology alone. Fuck the haters.
good for you, slut machine. you rock my world-- you're a sex postive role model, and as soon as my younger cousins grow up a bit, i'm definitely going to make sure they read your stuff. because there are far too few women out there (who aren't caricatures, samantha-jones-i'm-looking-at-you) who truly own their sexuality.
so in summary, brava. keep it up, and fuck the haters.
SM, you're the reason I found Jezebel, linked from One D, and one of the unique and wonderful things about this site is your contribution to it. Screw the haters. It's like changing the channel - if you don't like it, go read something else.
We love and support you, and follow your gospel of having access to information AND the acceptance of Female Pleasure as normalcy. When its gets objectified, rarified, closeted up, it becomes taboo: Jezebels suffer, and so does womanity.
You should be pissed; WE should pissed. But know, SM, that we think you rule. That's why we're here.
I respect you, and think you're incredibly brave for being so candid. You're my favorite writer on here, and the main reason I keep coming back. I am very burnt out on the easy criticism and negativity the internet has spawned. I can't even bring myself to read comments on 99% of the blogs I read because it's so toxic and disgusting. Keep your head up!
People who fling undeserved, insensitive, hurtful, uneducated comments do so because of discomfort they have confronting this topic (and probably about 20 otehrs) in their own life.
It's so much easier for one to critique another for how that person runs their life as opposed to confronting their own values, goals, needs, wants and motivations.
Those people can fuck off because you don't write for them. Rock on Slut Machine!
*HUGS*
All this shitty criticism? Just points out the need for more and more and more sex writing by women. You're a brave soul, and you should know that there are a lot of us who aren't taking your risks/annoyances/struggles for granted!
This rant is going to be distributed to my Mexican girlfriends here who struggle regularly with the concept of actually being allowed to own their sexuality. You're a remarkable and inspirational and empowering gal, SM.
I'm going to have to go check out Gawker now. What shit went down?
Oh, yeah - I saw that Gawker shit going down, and have been waiting all week to see you address this.
As a former super-slut (I'm married now, so no more strange for me), may I say that sex for sex's sake is just plain old fun. Guys do it; what about women makes it any different?
Tracie,
I'm a straight guy with absolute opposite sexual morals then you and you're one of my favorite people to read online. You're honest, smart assed, whip smart, and hilarious. Keep doing doing your thing.
That's Real Talk.
Good for you, SM!
@Hamsterpants: @onthecornerofparkerandwoolf: Hey - we hate the haters. Want to start a club?
I'm kind of stuck on cheap shots being made about your looks. Um, you're gorgeous. If cheap shots can be made about you, then I should just board up the windows and doors 'cause I'm the Elephant Woman.
I know y'all hate SATC, but I don't and I used to get SO SICK of listening to my guy friends refer to the show as some sort of "slut validation" -
If you own your sexuality and aren't afraid to put it out there, then kudos to you... know what I mean?
I admire what you do, whenever I try to write anything even kind of dirty it comes out sounding like something written in a 13 year olds diary.
::applause::
Let the haters hate. It says much more about them than about you and I hope you think of it that way so it doesn't get under your skin so much. I think you're awesome, and I give you a lot of credit for putting it out there because most of us simply could not be that honest in such a public forum.
(And to that end, pls update your most excellent blog more often!)
@ineffable.me:
A true Jezzie would not blindly adore/ emulate anyone, and hopefully a Jezeteen would not either, if she's reading and learning from this site. Teens can read about sex in 1000000 other places than Jezebel, but probably won't feel the self-love that is inspiring here.
I really enjoy Tracie's POV even though as a boring married lady, it's very different from my own.
@ineffable.me: "jezeteens": i like the term
keep doing what you're doing slut machine. i may not always agree with you on topics (i.e. the STD disclosure issue) but besides that, you're a-ok.
@ineffable.me: You know, not for nothing, but the jezeteens really shouldn't be on this site at all in the first place. This site is geared towards adult women, not teens, and Tracie's features are funny and entertaining and appropriate for adult women. Maybe the editors should maybe think about putting up some sort of "For readers 18 and up" or something.
You rock, Tracie!
@ineffable.me: Who cares if Jezeteens enjoy sex and have lots of it? When I have a teenage daughter, I will be happy if she too, chooses to own her promiscuity. You need to explain why this is bad. "Teens having sex is bad" is such a strange assumption. Having sex was the best thing that happened to me when I was 15 and I've never regretted it.
to echo everyone else i CAME to jezebel because of one d at a time and your writing.
you're an inspiration and a voice of reason to many of the women on here who go through the exact same things as you and cant find a voice in mainstream culture for the exact reasons you state above.
dont stop believin
its been unbelievably comforting to see that there are bunches of other women who just want to die laughing when the subject of how many people youve slept with comes up. me and my best friend always felt a little alone. we have these conversations quietly making sure nobody's listening, and tell each other our stories because we feel like we CANT tell anyone else! anyway its been an enlightening time on the web recently finding you and some other kindred spirits. sex is fun. its okay. youre the best. we will def be toasting you when we get drunk tomorrow night.
I applaud you for writing and with such honesty. When I begane reading your blogs, etc. that was the first thing that struck me about them was the honesty...and how refreshing that is.
I think often times people want to put a "reason" onto women and their promiscuity because otherwise they might have to admit that women are "like men" in the area of sex.
Why can't the reason be for having a lot of sex that it feels good? Isn't that why we get massages, go on roller coaster rides, work out, insert other fun activities here?!
@ineffable.me: I don't think there's a way to shelter teenagers these days, and why would we want to? I believe it's better for them to see different perspectives - including sex-positive ones, which discourage shame and encourage sexual education - than to hear nothing but messages about how they should save themselves for marriage blargh blargh blargh.
I know I'd rather have my teenage daughter read Slut Machine's column than spend time surfing around MySpace, talking about makeup/shopping, and putting up "sexy" photos of herself on whatever blog she's got goin' on.
Ok. I just fully sounded 70 years old. Harumph.
SM, I love you! Seriously, you are my hero. Living in the South (a region known for its prudery and religious-right leanings) and being a fan of casual sex can often lead to people saying some pretty nasty things about my beliefs (or lack thereof) and habits. (Many, many "Bless her hearts...") For me, reading your posts and your blog helped me to realize that there absolutely are other women in this world who embrace their sexuality and aren't ashamed to talk about it. You've really helped me to become much more comfortable discussing sex and opened up many a dialogue between my friends and I that we ordinarily might have avoided. So from a sexually-liberated girl in a frightfully red state, thank you! Also, SLUT PRIDE!
You know, I have seen the tranformation from when you started writing "Potty Girl" for Gawker up to now. And I have to give you props because, boy, were they hard on you.
I think you write about your exploits in a fun, intelligent, personal way that a lot of us can relate to. Thanks for not giving in and sticking up for yourself and those of self-proclaimed sluts. It's good to have a forum for that.
(I hope that was cogent. Vicodin rules.)
@brookidy: Great minds, kids, great minds. All hail the Slut Machine Marching and Chowder Society!
We love you. Don't let the man keep you down...unless you're doing something naughty.
SM - without being repetative i have to say your confidence, candid nature and openness with who you are has given me more courage to be more open with who i am and not pretend to be a blushing virgin to fit an ideal. it is a liberation in itelf that i feel more "sex positive" than i did 6 months ago. (even though i am in a desert of a dry spell :P) You shouldnt have to sit down and shut up to please others with different ideas about sex and i for one love that you dont!
Also, I'm curious Slut Machine, what did you think of that Jalopnik post on you? I thought it was so simple-minded, especially the comment thread
[jalopnik.com]
The first post I ever read where you really went into detail about sex was the one in Vegas where you got your hip bones bruised up. I alternated between being shocked (in a good way) that you were so candid, laughing my ass off, and saying, "OMG, that totally happened to me!" Then I saw the photos of you and went, "Damn, she's really hot!"
I'm on board with everyone else...fuck the haters, I think you're one of the main reasons people come to jezebel.
I'm with you 100%. You make me want to share TMI too. My friends thank you!
An old best friend of mine used to write a sex blog for Good Vibes. She was fantastic. It was fantastic. Even though she's a lesbian, it never stopped her from recalling her straight days to offer whatever help, advice or anecdotal gems she could to everyone. She was witty, entertaining, enthusiastic, and wrote generously about sex in and outside of relationships. Even though I can be, at times, a touch of a prude, and she, at times, was liberal with detail, foul or not, I cannot recall a single negative, judgmental, misogynist comment to any of her posts.
Perhaps GV weeded that shit out. Perhaps she got a shitload of nasty comments, but they were screened before they ever reached the public. Perhaps a blog in such a sex-positive space to begin with just didn't garner that much interest or audacity from bona fide prudes or vanillas or ignorant, judgmental, intolerant SOBs.
I don't know. I am saying all of this to be encouraging, I suppose, to let you, SM, and others who are like-minded or like-sexed, know that somewhere, once upon a time, an ideal sex blog existed free from the things you are upset about.
I miss her sex blog, my old friend's, and while I won't be coy and say that any amount of sex blogging here has filled that void, it certainly has been a satisfactory placeholder.
Kind of like casual, single-girl sex.
(And yes, that was wholly intentional. See what I did there? You're welcome.)
"I know I can tend to be all TMI, but I think that's because I place a lot of emphasis on I, and if people think that's TM, then TS."
Bloody brilliant! Not only are you a wonderful tough cookie, but a damn fine and funny writer too! Don't let anyone bring you down, girl. You're beautiful inside and out.
Hang on---what does TS mean?
It's gotta be guys - we chix will talk about anything. Obvy.
I LOVE YOU and YOUR writing. SM you rock. Keep getting me laid vicariously.
I'm sort of new here, so it's taken me awhile to catch up to who you are, what you do and why you do it.
Now I'm just mad that it took this long for me to figure out there's a way to make a living out of writing about it.
Please keep doin' what you're doin' and I'll keep readin' it.
There should be more women writing about sex, as Lord Byron said- "Is it not life? Is it not the thing?". And you are a good writer, so you will always have an audience- me among them.