Jezebel
Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we search for actual "news" in the celebrity weekly magazines. Another slow week in Hollywoodland means the covers are rehashed stories you've already heard. Again. Britney "wins" two covers because she went to her sister's baby shower and is thin. The other three covers feature Angelina Jolie, Aniston/Mayer and Montag/Conrad. Intern Sharon assists as we dig for a gold doubloon of gossip on the beachy shores of the weekly mags, after the jump.
Life & Style
"I Got My Body Back!" Britney is losing weight because she spends hours at the gym, dances a lot, and her dad cooks healthy meals for her. (Intern Sharon says, "Seriously? We haven't seen her at McDonald's or toting Frappuccinos at all lately.") Also: When Brit was visiting Louisiana for the baby shower, Jamie Lynn showed her her pregnancy scrapbook and ultrasound pictures. The sisters slept in Britney's old room, awww.
Grade: F (sharp, broken glass)
Us
"The Plot To Destroy Lauren." This six-page story sums up everything that has happened between Heidi Montag and Lauren Conrad on and off The Hills and is mind-numbingly boring. Heidi maintains that there is — or was — a sex tape; Lauren's camp says it does not exist; Heidi counters that maybe it doesn't exist now but it sure used to. Yawn. Moving on: Nicole Richie and Joel Madden entertain baby Harlow when she wakes up: "Joel and I put on a concert for her every morning. We have Disney music and a whole dance." Also inside: American Idol's Carly Smithson says she and her tattoo-artist hubby want to have kids. Imagine when the other moms at the sandbox get a load of dad's face? (Fig. 1) Plus: Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon got married in the Bahamas and there was no pre-nup. Nick's own half-brother, Gabriel, says "We thought it was just rumors. I had no clue they got married." Angelina, Brad and the brood have settled in France. Angie wants the baby to be connected to his or her French heritage (although Angie's mom was French-Canadian and born in Chicago, hmm.) Angie has to go to the Cannes Film Festival later in May so it's more convenient for her to be based in France. Another quote from Nicole Richie! "I want five children: twin boys and three girls." Speaking of kids, Jessica Alba says that her nursery is "green" because "that's the way I live." Everything is eco-friendly and whatnot. Jessica hasn't picked a name for her baby yet: "I'm waiting, we're not sure what the name is going to be. My name was Faradon Luisa for three days, I don't want make that mistake with my kid."
Grade: D- (plastic bag)
OK!
"Sisters Reunited!" For a story about Jamie Lynn Spears' baby shower, the magazine used what were clearly not professional photos taken by an insider. Intern Sharon says someone (a family friend slash sellout?) used a "like, 5.6 megapixel camera." Jamie Lynn and Britney hung out and painted their nails; Britney went riding on the four-wheeler with JLS's fiancé, Casey. Typical Louisiana weekend? Also inside: While John Mayer was in Miami visiting Jennifer Aniston, he would sneak into the stadium where she was shooting Marley And Me via an underground tunnel — and the two would make out right there in the stadium. The couple was also caught skipping arm in arm on their way to a children's clothing store. Maybe Aunt Jen was buying something for Coco Arquette? Moving on: Janice Dickinson asked for her pureed chicken soup to be strained at a café in Beverly Hills. The waiter tried to explain it was impossible to strain a pureé; Janice barked, "Bring me four bowls of chicken vegetable soup and a strainer, and I'll do it myself." Then she stormed out of the restaurant, cursing in Italian. She says she lived in Italy for two years "and the waiters there would never tell me no."
Grade: D (cigarette butt)
In Touch
"Why Jen Fell For John." In a four-page story, the mag says Jennifer Aniston likes John Mayer because 1. He's sexy. (He topped an In Touch Sexiest Bachelors poll!) 2. He's sensitive. He fundraises for charity and whatnot. 3. He's smart. (Jessica Simpson complained, "I had to be more intellectual," while dating him.) 4. He's funny. (Ever see that Borat swimsuit pic?) Intern Sharon says, "That was all I took away, I couldn't read the whole article." There's a horrifying page that reads: "Paris: I WANT A BABY NOW" with Ms. Hilton sort of trying to breastfeed a puppy. (Fig. 2) "I know in my heart of hearts I would be a great mom," Paris says. "I have a lot of beautiful animals that I look after and I feel I would have a lot to give my children." Also inside: Miley Cyrus has a "double life" because she spends $8,000 on jeans and jewelry when she's in celeb-mode; but when she's home all she does is horseback ride and shop at Wal-Mart with her friends. Oooh, and she doesn't wear her purity ring anymore! What does it mean??? An article called "Nicky Kicks Her Coke Habit" is not what you think. Nicky Hilton has eliminated soda from her diet — 1,120 calories a day! [Uh, my two cents but I think Nicky needs MORE calories in her diet. -Ed.] Lastly: On a trip to Vegas, Whitney Houston's daughter Bobbi Kristina, 15, partied until she puked and tried to stab her mom and then attempted to slash her own wrists. Tragic.
Grade: D+ (beer can)
Star
"It's Twin Girls!" Angelina is having twin daughters! But before she flew to France, Angie collapsed and Brad had to call the doctor. Angie was crying because she couldn't feel the twins kicking. She was sobbing, saying "My babies, my babies!" The doc made her a protein shake and an hour later, the fetuses (feti?) started kicking. At the house in the South of France where Angie and the crew are staying, Angie has helicopter and a pilot with military training standing by to fly her to the hospital. Ooh! Naked picture of Shiloh!!! (Fig. 3) Also inside: Ellen DeGeneres says: "I don't have a computer and I don't use e-mail. I don't have a BlackBerry, either. I don't think it's healthy to always be texting and online all the time. I hate it when you're having lunch with someone and they're looking down at their BlackBerry." Noted! Next: Dancing With The Stars Shannon Elizabeth and Derek Hough are moving in together! That show is like a dating game. OMG: Jessica Simpson's fashion accessory line has raked in $300 million since 2006. Can you believe it? Ashton Kutcher says: "I pee outside my house in my yard. I usually start my day by taking my dogs out; when I they go, I go." Blind item! "Which small screen star who moonlights as a drummer turned off a lady he was hooking up with? The unpleasant smell of the eco-friendly soap he uses makes him stink, she says." Brad Pitt and his brother Doug gave their dad a cool 67th birthday present: A trip around the world! Dad will go to France, Italy, Norway, Finland, China and three countries Africa. Intern Sharon says, "What? No Brazil?" Nicole Richie has been dropping pounds because of her new raw food diet. She's still breastfeeding, is that okay? Mariah Carey's wedding might be in jeopardy because Nick Cannon is a player. He was engaged to Selita Ebanks after 9 weeks of dating; Christian Milian says he cheated on her over the entire course of their 2-year relationship. Jerk. Oh, but some say the marriage is strictly a business relationship aimed at selling more albums and promoting Nick. Plus: "Jamie Lynn is having a shotgun wedding, and it's Lynn who is holding the shotgun," says a family friend. JLS doesn't really want to get hitched but Lynn doesn't like the idea of an unwed teenage mom — especially when it comes to Jamie's career. Meanwhile, Britney and Kevin are having phone sex. Often. At least once a week.
Grade: C (broken seashell)
Fig. 1
Fig. 2
Fig. 3
Comments
Pureed chicken vegetable soup? Nasty.
Miley Cyrus has a "double life" is not news! Haven't you ever seen Hannah Montana?
Uh, no, I haven't either. Shit.
Uhhhhhh.
I'm so glad I no longer have to go "borrow" these mags at Barnes and Noble over an iced chai.
This is like Cliff's Notes of Celeb Gossip! It's awesome! And amazingly time efficient.
Thx Jezeditors.
Now I can spend much, much less time getting dumber. This is a win-win.
I do not want to see picture of Shiloh naked. Star, WTF?
"Paris: I WANT A BABY NOW"
Anyone having flashbacks to Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset? Baby strangling itself with its own umbilical cord, much?
When I read Shiloh goes buff, I thought you meant Shea Leboeuf (how the hell do you write that dudes' last name?) goes buff.
Needless to say, I am disappointed.
Britney- halter dresses that secure with string in the middle of the neckline are uncomfortable and unflattering. Stop wearing them!
If you're married in the Bahamas, does it count? Didn't Anna Nicole Smith and Eddie Murphy both recently have non-binding marriage ceremonies in the Bahamas? Same deal with M.Car-Can? They might specialise in worldwide quasi-weddings.
Someone get sunscreen on Shiloh stat- That little gal is going to fry! Sweet, sweet cherub that she it.
i really like that shiloh is naked except for her shoes. babies are funny like that.
Ah yes, I forgot Nick Cannon dated Christina Milian. Now I remember the time she went on a NY radio station and totally blew up his spot. She said she caught him cheating by breaking into his Sidekick account. She totally called him out on his crap. It was great.
I'm very suspicious about all the detailed info about Ange's pregnancy in Star. If the info is true, then Ange must have leaked it out herself. Otherwise, she should know who Star's source is and kick their ass for having a big mouth. I mean, it's not as if 50 people know her doc gave her a protein shake.
@ForeverBlueGirl: Exactly, I need efficiency when I want to fill my head with crap. Just cram it all in there so I can giggle and marinade for a bit.
@BlondeGrlz: She has the best of both worlds!
But for real, those are the only lyrics I know from that song.
Brad Pitt: Always doing his part to stop global warming. Ok, I'm really just jealous.
@ineffable.me: Me TOO.
Is Britney really losing weight 'cause she's working out, or is it being taken off all the heavy-duty anti-psychotics her manager was feeding her? Some of those meds cause killer weight gain.
at least, that's what i've heard.
I don't know that holding a teacup-sized puppy exactly qualifies you as ready to be a good mother.
But I'm sure they will make a reality show out of that if it happened.
I was naked all the time as a baby, only difference is that my parent's aren't the most famous people in the world.
Listen Angie Voight: You're American. Just like Madonna.
Seriously, all the items mentioned here make me want to stab those people. Or maybe I'm just hostile today, but I don't think it is me.
Pureed strained soup?
Raw foods?
Eliminating soda (while it is a good idea, she does NOT need to loose weight).
'Scuse me while I go barf. This is just sickening.
@JessicaLovejoy: I think God put you here to test *my* faith...: "louloulou, I got some apples. louloulou, ya got some too. louloulou, let's make some applesauce, take off our clothes and louloulou."
Shiloh takes after her daddy by going au natural??
where are the naked B.Pitt picks????
and isnt it slightly inapropes to be showing naked toddlers in a magazine...
"Which small screen star who moonlights as a drummer turned off a lady he was hooking up with? The unpleasant smell of the eco-friendly soap he uses makes him stink, she says.""
Adam Brody, he's a drummer in some band.
Also, should there be two quotation marks at the end of that? It's the end of a quote in a quote. Grammarians, help!
... I hope Shiloh's babysitter isn't fired for that or anything.
@SkipToMyLou: I think Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds had a commitment ceremony in Fiji. The goal was to legalize it once they got back to the states. I think Anna Nicole and Howard did a similar thing to Eddie in the Bahamas, except that their ceremony was intended to milk the tabs for some "wedding" photo money.
If I were Jennifer Aniston and the minute I started seeing some cute guy my friends were all were all "OMG!!! It's TRUE LUV AT LAST FOR JEN!!!" I would be pissed. Seriously, that kinda shit can ruin relationships before they even start. Maybe she's more used to it, but it always rubs me the wrong way when I see it in magazines.
Shiloh is adorable, but I wish they'd stop using Pap pictures of kids. It feels dirty to me.
I can't even look at magazine racks anymore, it's like a condensed version of commercials that tell me what's wrong with me and everyone else on the planet. It's depressing.
"my friends just say, she's just being miley!"
Is John Mayer sunburned or stoned (or hammered) on that In Touch cover?
I is thinkin they is tryin to say sometin . ..
@WifeMotherCrip: what if it was written on her medical chart and someone sneaked a peak?
Just trying to figure something out. I'd hate to think celebs tell their own juicy bits. That smacks of desperation to stay relevant.
@SinisterRouge: im waiting (and silently hoping) for a new accent to pop up any day now..
The item about Paris is slightly terrifying. I'm pretty sure she's one accused in a blind item of forgetting she has certain pets because she locked them in closet when she was traveling, etc. Does she realize you can't put baby in a corner, or a drawer, when you get bored?
Based on her history with her pets, I'm sure Paris CAN give a lot to her future children... like pink rhinestone collars, pink rhinestone beds that she'll put right next to her bed (promise!), someone to feed them and walk them, and most importantly, a quarterly visit from a protection agency after they suddenly "disappear." I can't wait!
@bunni hop: They do. That may be part of it. Though I've always thought she was bi-polar, though and those meds really do make you gain weight.
@katieb: When you quote a quote, you use a single quote mark and then the normal quote marks. Soooo...
"'Which small screen star who moonlights as a drummer turned off a lady he was hooking up with? The unpleasant smell of the eco-friendly soap he uses makes him stink, she says.'"
Oh, wow, tattoos on the face!
I actually dated a guy with massive amounts of tattoos (he's a piercer) -- including on his face. We're still friends. He has even MORE tattoos on his face. Sadly, we didn't date long enough for me to introduce him to my parents, 'cuz that'd have been FUNNY. My poor dad would be like, "WHAT IS UP WIT HIS FACE?!"
Weirdly, it fit him, though. Like, I can't imagine him WITHOUT tats on his face. I see old pictures of him and don't recognize him lol.
His parents are normal and adorable.
BI is obviously Adrian Grenier, I forget what band he drums in- Honey something?
Although, it's not like that BI is all that scandalous.
I have a question!!!
Doesn't it seem like there are two type of women who lose weight:
(1) the first type lose the weight all over and look great;
(2) the second type lose NO weight in the face but lose all the weight in the body (like Britney in these pictures).
I think it depends on whether you exercise. if you exercise you lose weight in the face too. otherwise you end up looking like a bobblehead
Nicky Hilton drank THAT much Coke? That's like 8 cans a day! Damn, no wonder you can now use her kneecaps to saw a steak...which she should then eat, preferably with bearnaise sauce.
I wonder if one of these rags will ever get an A during Midweek Madness. What would that take, I wonder? A picture of Tom Cruise deepthroating an underage hustler? A picture of Nicky Hilton eating aforementioned steak?
@ilovejohnnythunders: "You work eighteen hours and what do you get/your parents sell you to Paris Hilton."
@MissKittyFantastico:
Seriously.
"NOBODY puts Baby in the Corner."
Paris needs to listen to Patrick Swayze.
Don't Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie take private planes all over the place? And doesn't that mean they are doing more to CREATE global warming than 99.999999999999999% of us?
@SinisterRouge: if I were having a problem pregnancy and/or twins and had all the money in the world, I would reserve the top floor at the Mayo Clinic and hunker down in Rochester Minn. until the bab(ies) came. I would not be hanging out in the south of France with a helicopter on call, 'cause that's just transportation time that could be crucial.
And if Lauren hadn't made such a big stink about that stupid sex tape the whole thing would have been forgotten almost as soon as it happened.
@katieb: I second Adam Brody for BI.
I totally thought the blind item was Stamos, but he's not really an eco-soap kinda guy, now that I think about it.
Adrian Grenier/Adam Brody make more sense. I'd bet on AG, though. He's a little more left-y.
Also, I can't quite tell for face-tattoo reasons, but I think that Carly's husband kind of looks like Heath Ledger under there. Or I'm just, still, desperately missing Heath Ledger and seeing him everywhere accidentally-on-purpose.
Is Paris going to trade the baby in for a smaller, cuter model when it no longer fits in her purse as an accessory? Or will she only adopt very teeny midget babies specialy bred to fit said purse?
I feel for the stinky BI guy. I tried to go eco-friendly with the deodorant. It worked for a couple of months and then hubs informed me that I smelled like a dirty hippie. So now I'm back to the aluminum-laden stuff that's probably going to kill me. But at least I won't stink!
Does anyone remember, early in Nicole R's pregnancy, a bit about how Joel was in a shop yelling at her that she didn't need a bigger bra? I had the feeling he likes the little boobies. Now I have the feeling she wants to starve hers off, and breastfeed at the same time. Why do I remember crap like that, but allow my electricity to be shut of because I forgot a bill I've paid for 30 years?
blind item, adrien grenier. sad that i know that he's in a band.
Jessica Simpson's fashion accessory line has raked in $300 million since 2006. Can you believe it?
I believe it. I have these in yellow and white and they are awesome.
1,120 calories a day from Coke?! That's like, 10 cans a day. We all love our caffeine, but I kind of doubt Nicky Hilton is drinking that much soda every day...
@caffeinequeen: Oops you beat me!
Also, Jez, thanks for this -- just what I needed today!