Jezebel
You just CAN'T LOOK AWAY, can you folks? The May Vogue is ...just...that...breathtaking. A staggering work of backbreaking Photoshop! Featuring none other than Jezebel's sweetheart Gwyneth Paltrow. Oh Gwyneth! Never have you so resembled a Bratz doll on barbiturates! And how sweet that you take such pains in the text to make yourself out to be so very very down-to-earth. You've gone entire days without a nanny! You own an article of clothing from the Gap! Such a simple, simple life you lead! Well anyway, Plum Sykes seems to approve. And you, Plum! How distinctly we remember someone in Bergdorf Blondes musing that she couldn't get a DVD player because people who have DVD players have no place to go. Quaint, right? (Like you could visit Middle Earth or the future without a DVD player, Plum.) Anyway, we rewrite the most nerd convention-friendly Vogue ever printed after the jump.
Earlier: French (Photo Retouchers) Don't Let Famous Women Get Fat
Comments
Aww, that poor lady with the adoptive parents was alright!
I'm trying to figure out who that looks like, because she seriously reminds me of someone. Only problem is that it's not Gwenyth Paltrow.
Where is Plum Sykes' Pulitzer? Hard-nosed, investigative journalist AND pithy novelist? Oh, the injustice!
Nice photoshopping...she looks like a bobblehead. I wish I had a 3D version of that cover on my desk. I'd make it bobble all day long.
This moddle-zoid looks EXACTLY like the moddle-zoid that was on the Drew Barrymore cover. Right? Same weird disembodied head, same dead eyes?
It's like the exact same face.
The position of her head in relation to her body is freaking me out.
I guess that's supposed to be Iron Man's helmet, but it looks to me like Gwyneth Paltrow is about to perform Hamlet in the far-off, gender-fluid days of 2118.
Is she supposed to be gray?
"a sub culture that represents women less realistically than Vogue"
awesome
@Khrushchev: To thine photoshopped self, be true.
"represents women less realistically than Vogue" ... my inner comic geek laughed so hard at that. Because it's true, you know. I got my high school body image issues from X-Men, not Allure or Glamour.
the Iron Man movie sure is awesome, though. Fact.
Is her hairline drawn on, or is that an ill-fitting wig . . . or is it both?
PS - LOVE this feature.
@DorothyZbornak: And bitch on wheels, don't forget. I would tell a story about her here but alas it's not mine to spill. But trust: bitch on wheels.
@ktjez: It's a magic eye picture! Her head is supposed to float out at you. Then, Iron Man's helmet becomes a yacht.
I've said it before and I'll say it again- I just don't get it. We all know what Gwyneth Paltrow looks like. We've seen her out promoting "Iron Man" (just noticed the helmet next to her!). This thing on the cover of Vogue looks like a Sims version of GP and frankly scares me. The W shoot from a few months ago was weird but at least she looked like herself.
Well. She certainly is simple.
Ah, the future -- when we will all have hair made of taupe cotton candy.
@blackbirdfly: The elephant look is in for spring! Remember Stella yesterday?
Skinamarink kidink kidink dahlin.
During the shoot, her right hand was eaten by decorative ruffles, and the bleeding was stanched with a handy aluminum can.
@tscheese: They don't look weird, they look BEAUTIFUL. You just don't understand the true ideals of beauty like Pascal Dangin does.
Personally, I think she's been photoshopped right into the Uncanny Valley.
Admit it, this isn't the worst thing you've caught her wearing.
I'm going to have a geek moment here, though it may seem like a gay one. Anyone see the Tom Welling layout in this issue? I curious to how Clark Kent looks in Vogue. And who know? Maybe the photoshopped the hell out of him too.
@blackbirdfly: To be digitally manipulated, or not to be digitally manipulated - That's not even a question.
She looks kinda like a olsen twin, no?
@optical_allusion: There is nothing either good or bad, but photoshopping makes it so.
I should stop, huh?
At least her breasts are about where they belong. They could be hiked up to her chin.
Oh snap, I thought her hair was in a ponytail...but I guess in the future, in addition to uniclaviclism, we shall also slick our hair back with vaseline and tease the rest. Thanks for letting me into this new trend, A-Wint.
"I simplify everything"; "When GOOD work goes BAD"; bobblehead troll doll... this cover can't actually be real. It's a joke, right?
@blackbirdfly: @optical_allusion:Get thee to a photoshopper!
"Credit my humble upbringing"
Uh...by her movie star mother and writer, director, producer father? No, it must've been the Spence School education! Silly me!
"De-Botoxing Services" ... the phrase for the zeitgeist!
@bowleserised: TELL, TELL, TELL. If I can't cash in on catty clique-y girl culture with some good old-fashioned peer pressure, what is it good for?
@Skinny Bone Jones: Breasts are vulgar and unVogue. Breasts are 'not Armani'.
[www.telegraph.co.uk]
@blackbirdfly: Never stop!
It's "barbiturates" with an R...
Wow. She looks ... just ... wow.
@Macloserboy: I saw it, and thought he looked P-shopped. But he looked delicious. "Smallville" has gotten ridiculous, but Tom Welling is my fantasy "All-American" boy.
@Khrushchev: Quote. Of. The. Day!
@AthertonMerriweather: I met this girl in college who went to Spence and was really personally offended that I wasn't impressed. I just never heard of it and this was before I learned to google everything I didn't recognize.
@MissKittyFantastico: I think she looks like an Olson twin.
@ineffable.me: Wasn't that heart-breaking? And call me cynical, but it didn't ever seem that they actually DID accept her. She claimed to have felt like one of the "us," but even at the end, the old Roger dad made a point that she was not one of his kids. I thought she was in denial.
@Khrushchev: Ha! That would be awesome.
@Macloserboy: Really hot if I remember correctly.
They should've gotten her Estee Lauder retoucher. She is so pretty in those ads with the puppies.
@honeybunchesofoats: meh...Elizabeth Montgomery went there. I guess that makes it cool.
@Varina: im begining to think Anna Wintour is just a front for the evil people behind Vogue that are conducting a strange experiment on consumers to see how far they can actually go with this nonsense and have people still purchase...
for gods sake, she doesnt look human. bad Photoshop, BAD!
@blackbirdfly: Nope!
O, that this too too solid flesh would melt,
Thaw, and resolve itself into a photoshopped mess!
@MissKittyFantastico: I was thinking Mischa Barton.
@MissKittyFantastico: Barbie?
@PICKLES IN MY TUNA: It's actually a photograph of Mr Mackey that's been Photoshopped to look like a famous actress?
@Khrushchev: Ok, fine. The Wintour dost like the photoshop too much, me thinks.
@Begorrah: Ach, can't spoil my friend's memoirs (nor earning potential).
Can always recommend reading that Bergdorf Bitch interview that the Telegraph ran when the book came out, but that's nothing to do with the mate I'm referring too. It's just a satisfying read.
@optical_allusion: Ok, I'm not sure I can top that.
@laurenl842: Agreed, I definitely see a little Mischa Barton in this pic, spliced with a blow-up doll.
it's like, in her dress says "yes" that she has breasts, but the exposed flesh is so washed out/clone stamped out that it says "no"
This is beyond creepy and inhuman looking, the normal picture probably looked 100x better then this nightmare. It looks like they cut out her face and slapped it on a model's body and tried to hide it by adding some more hair.