You just CAN'T LOOK AWAY, can you folks? The May Vogue is ...just...that...breathtaking. A staggering work of backbreaking Photoshop! Featuring none other than Jezebel's sweetheart Gwyneth Paltrow. Oh Gwyneth! Never have you so resembled a Bratz doll on barbiturates! And how sweet that you take such pains in the text to make yourself out to be so very very down-to-earth. You've gone entire days without a nanny! You own an article of clothing from the Gap! Such a simple, simple life you lead! Well anyway, Plum Sykes seems to approve. And you, Plum! How distinctly we remember someone in Bergdorf Blondes musing that she couldn't get a DVD player because people who have DVD players have no place to go. Quaint, right? (Like you could visit Middle Earth or the future without a DVD player, Plum.) Anyway, we rewrite the most nerd convention-friendly Vogue ever printed after the jump.