Jezebel
I picked up the new SkyMall catalog on a flight over the weekend and maybe I'm getting old, but I was surprised at how dangerous some of the crap seemed to be. Then I thought, "Could you use junk from SkyMall to kill someone?" The answer is: Maybe! Listen: You should never harm your fellow wo/man. But! If you fantasize about offing someone in a creative way, SkyMall can help. After the jump: 8 ways to die; choose one.
1. Air Gun
The trick with this is to lodge the ping-pong ball in the victim's throat, thereby blocking the airway to the lungs and suffocating him. It may take some time, and isn't good for fast-moving targets. It is good for people who won't shut the fuck up, however.
2. The Nuclear Globe
This inflatable ball may look like tons of fun, but imagine sending your victim into shark-infested waters? Or a river that — unbeknownst to him — has a steep and rocky waterfall? There may also be a way to kill or maim someone with that "Floating Fiesta" thing but I haven't figured it out yet. Suggestions welcome.
3. Jäger Tap
Simple: Replace the Jäger with antifreeze or some kind of homemade hemlock juice. Cheers!
4. Lawn Aerator Sandals
A swift kick to the face with these spiked shoes will maim; a subsequent stomping should kill.
5. My Muletto
I find the word "muletto" vaguely offensive, but I like the idea of being able to somehow use these straps to drive the heel of your shoe into a victim's eye socket. They should make the strap out of bungee cord, actually, so the shoe boomerangs back after doing damage.
6. Animated Hitch Critters
All you really have to do is drive in front of someone with this crap on the back of your car. Surely they'll be all "WTF" and distractedly tailgate; just swerve away and you'll never be a suspect in the resulting fiery crash.
7. BodyGard 5-In-1 Emergency Tool
Between the glass breaker and the seat belt cutter, it should be easy to dispatch someone in an "emergency." Especially if you're on an airplane. Or in a submarine. (If only Charlie on Lost had been able to break that glass!)
8. Batman Begins Cane Sword
Self-explanatory. Adding the ring and money clip would be a nice touch, but is not mandatory.
Earlier: SkyMall: Shopping The Friendly Skies For Pointless Products
More SkyMall: The Mile-High Commerce Club
Searching For The Worst Outfit In 'International Male'
Urban Outfitters, Free People & Anthropologie: What's The Difference?
Comments
Finally, an answer to that nagging question about which editor we should fear most.
2. Floating Fiesta: Toss a toaster in it? There's a bit of work involved finding an extension cord by a lakeside, but it might work out. You could fill it with angry sea bass too.
Barney Stinson has all of these items. And perhaps he's using them to kill or maim, but really he's just using them to pick up chicks.
That floating fiesta thing looks like the best time ever. I'll report back if it results in death.
I want to send the Jager Tap to Heather from Rock Of Love for Christmas!
Dear Brown Folks:
Plz to not be taking your Air Gun outisde. It will be mistaken for an Uzi and you will be shot. This will really fuck up for nephew's birthday party.
Love,
JessicaLovejoy
@Begorrah: Mwahahahahha!
Someone's been playing a little too much Grand Theft Auto before flying.
i seriously love this.
i have a pvc pipe gun that i made in geometry class that can bludgeon you with deadly marshmellows at the speed wind!
Dodai, you're fucking ON today.
@KathrynwithaY loves Joan Collins: Piranha?
Oh my GOD I want a floating fiesta SO BADLY!
And these products are hilarious. Who is on a flight and thinks, "omg, lawn aerating sandals??" and excitedly notes down the order information for when you're actually allowed to use phones?
I too, think of murder when lodged between two people on a four hour flight. Especially when the one in the window needs to pee a lot and the one in the aisle seat is fast asleep.
I really saw the "my mulletto" as turning into a garrote.
If I order the Batman sword from Skymall, will they let me bring it on the plane? Because my Batman sword says that aisle seat is MINE, BITCH.
@KathrynwithaY loves Joan Collins: It comes with an electric pump - no need to buy the electrocution device separately - whee!
I want those floaty thingies! They (especially the ball) seem like so much fun.
Trinny and Susannah don't like it when I wear straps around my ankles. They say it makes my short legs look chunky.
umm, I kind of want the nuclear globe. Boy would the heads on the beach at Coney Island a-turn!
i'm thinking get someone in the nuclear globe far away from shore, then pop that bitch.
The "My Muletto" has the distinction of being simultaneously slightly offensive to those of mixed race backgrounds and mullet wearers.
i can't stop reading "muletto" as "mulatto." i've seen those trailer hitches and they drive me batshit.
@JessicaLovejoy: I think God put you here to test *my* faith...: That shouldn't have made me LOL as much as I did.
I always judge the quality of products by whether or not you could kill someone with them.
Oh thank G'd. If it hadn't been this or puppehs I would have had to drop out of Jez for the day because I couldn't cry anymore after all the hardcore posts.
I must confess I just love this game. It's like White Trash Home Repair ("now to repair this, all you need is a screw gun, pliers, and some spackle") crossed with James Bond.
Good to know you can get replacement spikes for the lawn sandals. Clean-up's a bitch.
MacGyver could kill someone with a travel alarm clock and a neck pillow from SkyMall.
The scariest part of all of this is that someone, somewhere will buy these items.
@WhateverCraig: Pirahnas would work too...Just getting them to the Floating Fiesta unnoticed would be a challenge.
I feel like the LAST thing my grandma needs is a cane with a fucking SWORD in it. That said, I'm ordering mine RIGHT NOW.
@sequined: Barney Stinson.
anyone?
Ooh, I don't know about the word Mulletto.
I'm sorry, all I saw in the "Nuclear Globe" was "stage a nuclear face-off as you bump and bounce off your opponent."
Heh heh. Is that what the kids are callin' it nowadays?
i still like the 2-in-1 hot dog and bun toaster for portable torture possibilities. so seemingly wholesome, yet so potentially nasty.
I say just fill that Fiesta thing with 8 people you hate, and set them afloat in shark-infested waters.
@Dodai: I knew that 7 a.m. gossip culling would make you snap sooner or later.
Somebody should do a "supersize me"-like experiment where they only shop from Skymall for an entire year.
I can just see some kid getting trapped underneath the Floating Fiesta in a small, bean-shaped pool.
@honeybunchesofoats: He obviously lured Britney in with the Jager tap.
Dodai, you have cemented your place in my heart forever. You had me at "It is good for people who won't shut the fuck up, however. "
@JudgeFudge: have you seen some of those kitty gitmos on wheels?
@AthertonMerriweather:
Ah, the fun of teh geigh NPH.
LOVE it.
@JudgeFudge: That should be a Project Runway challenge - make a couture outfit only from items sold in a Skymall catalogue.
Those Trailer Hitches are funny, but not nearly as distracting as Truck Nuts.
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@honeybunchesofoats: word.
I always wondered who actually ordered from sky mall. Some one out there must. Anyone on here? Don't be ashamed. We won't judge... too much.
@KathrynwithaY loves Joan Collins: They're kind of small, I think. Get a bunch, don't feed them for a few days, put 'em in a Rubbermaid bin and tote to the shore. Kersplash in the floating fiesta (bonus points if you float that bitch in shark infested water when you release the fishies) and you have a death trap. Mwahahah, nowhere is safe!!!
@BAngieB: But McGruber could kill someone just WITH the SkyMall catalog.
ok ok, and maybe some club soda.
Also, Jager tap? Nothing has made me yearn for, pine for, beg for death like too many Jager shots, dudes. The last time I did Jager shots was over three years ago and I still remember it VIVIDLY.
You don't need antifreeze. Just leave the Jager as it is.