Jezebel
"Love: Really Now, There Is No Topic More Depressing" is generally the theme of the Sunday New York Times feature "Modern Love," whose most famous installment chronicled the author's efforts to train her husband as she might any other mammal of above-average intelligence. (Other columns have grappled with how hard it is to get into sex when you're a stripper, the profound sense of alienation that follows an unwanted divorce, how dudes today are irredeemably awful and women could potentially be worse, etc.) Yesterday's installment, the winner of a college essay contest, did not diverge from this theme. The author, a woman born in the late eighties, reflects on a few brief years spent dating noncommittal dudes in New York. "Over the summer there was the Jesuit taking a break from the seminary," she writes. He stopped calling after she refused to sleep with him on their third date. Now, clearly, she probably should have known better, since a dude just out of the seminary is not going to want to fuck around on second base (or whatever) but the overall message was kind of creepy-familiar, reminding me of this one time a friend and sometime fuck-buddy asked of me, "Who made you so cold?"
This was, obviously, a response to his accusation that I seemed "smitten" and wanted a relationship with him, and my assurances that I did not, I just liked making out, and if he didn't believe me he only needed to wait until my workload picked up and I made myself scarce, which is exactly what happened, and, you know, whatever. But I didn't remember how I had become so patient or resigned or how I'd come to enjoy the "Zenlike form of nonattachment" author Marguerite Fields is struggling to perfect because it happened such a goddamn long time ago. And that was depressing; Fuck I am old. (Also depressing: I held my first newspaper job the summer Israel turned fifty.)
Perhaps unsurprisingly, my little sister Christina, who is a year ahead of Marguerite in college, did not find this week's 'Modern Love' as depressing as I did. (Christina is different from me in that she does things like getting her eyebrows waxed and going to therapy.) And she penned some words of advice for people who did find the column depressing — and aren't too old to change their habits — which I will excerpt here.)
I'm Moe's sister who is about to graduate from college. Moe asked me to comment upon this week's Modern Love column, a piece much more enjoyable and insightful to read than I had expected since Moe usually makes such relentless fun of the Modern Love feature I stopped reading it.Modern Love: The College Essay Winner [NY Times]Anyway, as someone who has her fair share of one-night stands and fleeting trainstop encounters, yet is decidedly over my relationship angst, if largely due to the absence of any relationships and the discovery of internet porn.... I would like to give some advice to Marguerite Fields and other women like her. Oh hell we're all like her.
1) Trust your instincts. This is the only thing I learned in therapy. Women have great instincts (the women's intuition!) but we never listen to them. Marguerite Fields, at the end of another unceremonious dumping, writes "[I] tried to remind myself that when we first met I thought he was an arrogant, presumptuous little man." She got bad vibes from the start, and yet Marguerite, a talented and sensitive author who should have known better, proceeded to form a relationship with this man. Why? Because of a little thing I like to term "The Mister Darcy Delusion." I am sure some feminist theorist before me has already coined this term, and if so I apologize, but it's ridiculous that this is your job. The Mister Darcy Delusion is the notion, popularized by the early 19th century author Jane Austen, that the smug asshole who calls you fat at the party is really just a misunderstood studmuffin held in by early 19th century social conventions who will turn into Colin Firth if you give him a chance. Well chicas, Jane Austen died a spinster (thank you, Anne Hathaway) and it's the 21st century, and if he looks like a prick and he talks like a prick and he walks like a prick, well, chances are you've had sex with him.
2) Read "The Rules." It's a stupid book, yes, but it's a reminder that you can take control of your relationships at least partially by a) getting a life b) taking a shower and c) not calling back immediately after he calls and going all crazy on his ass.
3) Only go out for guys that you think are hot. Most women tend to chase after guys that they think are physically unattractive under them is guided assumption that said guy will be so grateful to have scored a Hot Chick that he will be true forever. THIS NEVER HAPPENS. Ugly guys always get laid more, and they are often the biggest assholes about it because they are so insecure that girls keep hooking up with them out of pity. This is a time when our human evolution truly runs counter to our own efficient natural instincts. Ladies, right this wronged system and only chase after guys that you think are LEGIT cute so you don't have to lie to your friends and be like "But he has a really great personality," when what you mean is "It's weird how he makes me feel so terrible about myself when he's the ugly one."
Comments
My friends got me "The Rules" for my birthday as a joke. That book is straight up crazy, and the only decent advice in it is shit that should be common sense anyway. If you need a book to tell you that you should have a social life outside the dude you're dating, you probably don't deserve a social life or a boyfriend.
Moe, I want to be besties with your sister. This line: it's the 21st century, and if he looks like a prick and he talks like a prick and he walks like a prick, well, chances are you've had sex with him. made me cry I was laughing so hard, because it's so funnily true.
I need Moe's sister to post a regular advice column. Can she join in with Pot Psychology?
Late 80's? So this is about her high school sweetheart? Breakups through a game of telephone can be SO hard.
Anyone who has not dated in New York has no idea how much it 'effin sucks. There are no rules, no decency, people don't even bother to dump you, most attempts at normal human interaction are met with accusations of clinginess or neuroses. I'm convinced the only way out of the maze is on a plane out of here. There's a reason everyone is jaded--whether born in the late seventies or late eighties. It never really gets any better.
That last sentence is perfection. Thanks, Moe's Sister.
Dear Moe,
I wish my big sisters combined were half as smart as your little sister. Man, would that have been helpful during college.
Awwwww...hells no, she just referenced The Rules! She's right, that book is so stupid, but it also contains a lot of sad truths. Ignore them at your own peril.
This made me sleepy and glad i don't live in NY. Also, she goes to marlboro college, which is just an extension of NYC, but in Vermont.
All I have to say is the well is poisoned.
Who reads the New York Times?
My life is transient, always has been, always will be I imagine. (Military brat.) A guy who wants me to settle down is fighting nature. A guy who accepts it and lets me be the gypsy girl I am? Still looking for that guy....
Your sister speaks the truth, Moe. I stopped dealing with the Mr. Darcy Delusion a few years ago and have not looked back since.
Read The Rules ?! Yeah, I'm not advocating stalking but lordy, they don't want you to have had more than a 10 minute conversation before marriage.
I'm with you on going for a guy YOU find hot, though. Don't think you can't get a hot one. You can. But be open to all kinds of hot. Some hot doesn't appear until after at least a ten minute conversation.
Moe's sister rules. PERFECT advice.
They're all Willoughbys
Trust your instincts
Date the hotties
PERFECT.
holy fucking shit, number 3 is the word. I used to date dudes I wasn't that attracted to and they treated me like shit, and I could never understand how the ugliest and meanest one slept with so many girls with that face. Now I'm with a hottie, he has slept with barely any girls, and he treats me like gold -- because he doesn't have an ugly complex!!
Wow. thanks.
"It's weird how he makes me feel so terrible about myself when he's the ugly one."
Word.
Moe's little sister is awesome. I had to read all of "Women Who Run With The Wolves" before I got that the whole message is TRUST YOUR GUT.
Please make this a regular feature.
I mean the article, no Moe's sister.
@hamburgerhotdog: TRUE THAT. I've been accused of being "cynical" by men in New York before, and it's because I've been dating men in New York for three years. You made me this way, motherfuckers! Excuse me if I don't swoon and think that you're a trustworthy guy because you want to hold my hand on the second date. I'm not cynical, I just have run up into one too many slick motherfuckers.
Right on, Sista' Girl!
That's true. Wow. I'm not even that old and I've long since gotten over any fantasies about the whole "hit by a ton of bricks" cliches about love. Honestly, I think I'd be happy if I found a guy who'd be a great friend and a good dad that I didn't really want to punch in the face.
And it goes without saying that I'd have to be sexually attracted to him.
The only way to date in New York is to import your boyfriend who previously lived somewhere else.
The ugly guy thing is interesting, You'll often see an ugly guy with a far more attractive girlfriend but rarely if ever the otherway around. I always asumed those ugly guys just had massive cocks and/or bank balance.
Rule number 3 is totally true. Plus you will find yourself in a relationship with someone where you have to remind yourself constantly how you think they are great (and they better be pretty fucking great! all the time! No screw-ups!) because otherwise you want to put a paper bag over their head to have sex with them. And you resent this.
Oh. And #3? Totally on the money. I know so many women who settle for someone they're lukewarm about just because they think he's trustworthy. Bah. You are simply going to have lukewarm happiness in your lukewarm relationship, and it's no guarantee that he won't dump you anyway. At least get dumped by the dazzlingly sexy man.
@hamburgerhotdog: its ridiculous. i dont have time for games and crazy shit. i want to have sex with you not have your babies, you dont have to act like im going around while you sleep and putting your babyseed in my cooter.
I can still look for Col. Brandon, though, right?
Sister of Moe is an excellent writer and should get a job at Jezebel right out of school.
I found it interesting that the college Modern Love was far more interesting to this 40-year-old than the usual ponderous middle-aged claptrap.
I can haz more Moe sister?
What are "The Rules"? I've heard so much about them, but never bothered to find out what they are...is that why I'm single?
@SkipToMyLou: Word. Sometimes that 10-minute hot is hotter than the 10-second hot anyway.
Well played, Moe's little sister.
In honor of Jr. Moe, my comments will be written by my little sister:
This post is right on. I only wish my older sister would read it and stop dating fugly dudes. Also, I wish she'd return my fucking brown skirt.
-juniorpissed
Moe's sister. Word, young lady.
Know yourself, be responsible for your own happiness, go after what you really want. True, true, true.
@hamburgerhotdog: When I started dating my great boyfriend, all my friends couldn't wait to hear how we'd met, as if I'd unlocked the elusive secret of dating in New York.
Their disappointment was palpable when I explained that we'd known each other in college and re-met in NYC. Honestly, I can't imagine how else I would have met someone here, at least not someone interested in long-term commitment.
Good work, younger Tkacik -- you are wise beyond your years. (But I still can't get behind #2.)
I think points 1 and 3 are great; basically, she's saying that women should trust their own judgments and be confident. But that totally doesn't square with advice point 2, because The Rules is all about second guessing yourself and over analyzing.
Also, maybe someone could explain how this advice makes the modern love column less depressing? To me, it seems like dudes are using women's sexual liberation and freedom of choice as an excuse to dodge responsibility and commitment. To qualify this, let me say, it's great that some people want to have sex often or unattached, but college guys shouldn't use this as an excuse to declare monogamy dead.
The problem is that following thse rules in NYC means you are pretty much always single.
After college, I made a personal rule to never date an ASSHOLE again. The minute they showed asshole-ness I would be out, like that second.
I can say that since I made this personal rule, I have been with the best guy ever for a year and a half (my previous all time best was 4 months. ugh). Even my friends have said that he's the best boyfriend ever - and that includes the boys they date.
I think everyone should follow the "No Assholes" as policy.
Moe, your little sister has got it right. She will save herself (and any readers who pay attention) untold amounts of pain.
I confess, I am surprised to see a reference to The Rules! That book is poorly written and sometimes over-the-top, but one other point it gets right (in addition to the Cliffs-Notes version given above) is "love only those who love you." (incidentally, the book He's Just Not That Into You gives basically the same advice) If a guy doesn't like you, he doesn't like you. To paraphrase Bonnie Raitt, you can't make him love you if he doesn't. You are better off spending your time and energy on someone who does. It just makes your life so much easier.
the "who made you so cold" line was asked of me a couple of years ago, although it wasn't "who made you so cold" but more of a "who hurt you so bad?". i think some women can relate to both questions...it's the answers that are tricky.
there should be an addendum to number 3. not just 'go for guys that you think are hot' but also 'learn to redefine what you think 'hot' is'. hot when you are in high school is not exactly the same criteria when you are 32. just sayin'.
@AthertonMerriweather: The Rules in a nutshell.
Long blonde hair = good.
Assertiveness = bad.
Playing hard to get = good.
Personality = bad.
@LadyPants formerly girlfromthenorthcountry: Preach it. I managed to snag my boyfriend less than a month after he got here. And he's an angel. Coincidence? I don't think so.
Damn, sista friend.
@hamburgerhotdog: When I left NYC I couldn't have sex for a year without freaking the fuck out. People in other cities are decent and they called me and some even sent me songs after one night. Okay, the songs are a little creepy, but the rest is just too decent for my jaded self to understand.
@KittenFluff: Oh, and also, in college, my friend's mom sent her a copy of The Rules but crossed out all the naughty parts with a thick black marker.
What I find most disturbing about this whole thing that someone barely into her twenties is writing for the NY Times. About love, no less! I am 23, a writer, and feel I could neither of those things for at least another 20 years.
On behalf of my gender, I'm really, really sorry. These responses are depressing the shit out of me. Damn. And here I thought it was hard out there for a pimp.
@SinisterRouge: my ex was a willoughby - full on, no holds barred, textbook definition except he looked nothing like greg wise but more like kevin smith. still, a willoughby.
never again.
@KittenFluff:Ugh. I think some of the problem in NYC is men with the opposite problem- they want an instagirlfriend and it's you! OMG it's you! OMG you're the One OMG let's make sweet sweet love.
I have run into two types of men in NYC:
1.) I don't want a girlfriend. I will pretend I do, but when you make even the slightest hey-maybe-we-should-not-date-other-people move I will act like you are Glenn Close trying to boil my bunny.
2.) I desperately want a girlfriend. Please, oh God please. Let's spend every moment together and hey why don't you just move in and how many kids do you want and I know it's our third date but I reaaallly have a special feeling that you are IT. Have my babies.
Very little middle ground.
@KittenFluff: Men here have NO interest in long term commitment--not usually until their late thirties or early forties. It's a schmorgasboard--why should they stop eating ice cream until they have a tummy ache (or are shamed into stopping)? So they don't. All the dudes I know, no matter how fat, schlubby, broke or ugly, think they deserve the 21 year old perfect ten, and are holding out for that. I guess that's what you get when you move someplace where people are ultra ambitious and competative. Like the Guvnah said--follow the rules if you'd like, it won't make one bit of difference. You can't rationilize with crazy.
@rednrowdy: I feel like I have to be cold because I don't want to be accused of giving off the impression that I like someone if I'm not interested. I've had the "you're nice but I don't like you like that" conversation sooooo many times, so I try to make it clear up front, which can be taken as being cold. I'm not cold, I just dont' want to sleep with you.
@TheGuvnah: Thats a really pathetic excuse for dating assholes. There are millions of people living in NYC.
"The Mister Darcy Delusion." I am sure some feminist theorist before me has already coined this term, and if so I apologize, but it's ridiculous that this is your job.
But who else is going to parse the metaphoric implications of syphilis as a gendered construct? And if I'm not doing that, then I'll have to acknowledge that he probably gave me fucking syphilis, and not in that quaint Edwardian way either.
It is unfortunate that so many people confuse Asshole with Self Confident. They sort of look the same, except for that part where an Asshole is constantly bringing others down to their level of misery. Especially people those they're in a relationship with.
The amusing flipside of this is that women immediately recognize Nice Guys as whiny men lacking a spine and clearly defined boundaries.