OMG. I thought I was the only one with an adorable uterus.

"You have the cutest little teeny tiny uterus," said she. "It's exactly in the right place, too."

I was like "Thanks. That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me all day."

At the close of a very efficient and quick appointment, my (female) gyno said "well, that was fast! wham, bam, thank you ma'am!"

Awkward.

I love my gynecologist. I guess I can never move. Or she can never retire.

Eagerly awaiting your stories.....

I don't get why being told that the gyno needs to use the "baby speculum" is a compliment. When I first read it I thought that it was actually a speculum used on babies and that creeped me out.

i once had a proctologist offer to buy me dinner.

@tscheese: I've gotten that, too. My gyno is such a player!

My former gyno, who was amazing and fairly prominent for having co-pioneered some groundbreaking procedure, used to say this to break the ice (but before putting you up in the stirrups):

"We've got the best deal in town. Pap smear and a hamburger, five dollars."

My sis went to a new (young, male) gyno and he said she had a "weird-shaped" uterus which gave him trouble getting the speculum in, and then commented that her breasts were "lumpy." She was like, my last gyno and all the dudes I've dated have never had a problem with either, asshat.

@tscheese: My doctor once said that I had a "nice, tight little uterus." Apparently small and tight is good for uteruses as well as vaginas.

Personally, I chat away with my gyno. She cracks me up and it takes my mind off all the poking and swabbing. The last time I was there I asked her to settle an arguement I'd had with a girlfriend about how many women really have Brazilian waxes. I figured the doc had seen more crotches than anyone else of my acquaintance, so I asked. It was a very useful discussion.

HA! I know someone whose gyno once said to her, "Hm...looks like I'll need the extra small speculum for this one."

My gyno said "So what you doing Saturday night"..... which was actually ok because I babysat her kids.

Speaking of moms, my mom was at the gyno recently and the doctor was like, "You have a very small cervix! I've never seen one so small. Do you mind if I show a colleague." She's a nurse and understands medical ed so she agrees, and moments later, 35 people in medical school enter and each steps in one by one to take a look.

The other day my sister told me she went to a new gyno. She said the doc slid the speculum in and then went over to a table to get some instruments or something. While she was doing that, my sis had a weird feeling and all of a sudden, the speculum shot out of her cooter and across the room. I almost peed my pants when she told me the story.

@AmazonRedheadedUberVixen: THAT would make me laugh.

My gyno is an older Australian man. He's great. True story.

At my *first* visit...Before exam and after requesting BC (wierded out by taking pants off for exam):

Doctor: "Well you had no trouble taking off your pants for a guy before!"

Last time I had a pelvic exam, I heard the doctor stirring something, and we made jokes about him needing to mix a drink before he could do the exam.

@BeckySharper: So how many do?

@DorothyZbornak: I JUST VISUALIZED THAT

can't stop laughing

Did you tell her to do more kegels?

@tscheese: OMG is right! I've gotten "adorable" and "cute" from mine, when describing my uterus. How bizarre.

@DorothyZbornak: Thank you for that. I knew I would love this thread.

My old gyno told me that my cervix was "beautiful and smooth", gave me unsolicited sex tips, and then told me her favorite recipe for parfait.

"You have the loveliest creamy white thighs!" and "Your breasts are just so SOFT!" (at different appointments) were the sentences that made me love my (female) college ob/gyn.

@DorothyZbornak: I totally would have just shot something out of my vagina if there were anything in it, I laughed so hard at this.

@Lady Skittlehattington's evil twin, Whorey Licoricetits: Hah! My last visit they placed me in the examination room with the extra-large speculum. I had to wait there in the stirrups til' they cleaned a new one. She told me "We can try it if you are in a hurry?"

This year was my first time going to a male gyno. He made small talk, asking me about the town I grew up in. Thanks, but I really don't want to talk about my childhood while I've got a stranger's finger up my cooch.

this is a pretty normal thing for a gyno to say, but it's still a little weird: "your vaginal discharge looks nice and healthy!"

....how are you supposed to respond to that? i went with, 'oh. that's good.'

True story. My hair dresser went to the gyno for the first time when she was 16. The gyno was friends with her mother, who came along. She gets in the stirrups and the gyno says "Wow. Have you noticed anything wrong down here?" Worried, my hair dresser says "Um, no." The gyno then acts like he's reaching down into her vagina and throws a FAKE COCKROACH AT HER that he'd been keeping under the table!!! OMG! He starts laughing, the mom laughs, and my hair dresser is absolutely traumatized. When she told me this a few months ago, I was HORRIFIED.

@tscheese: I asked her if she'd been doing her kegels when she told me! I'm like, damn, those are some strong vag muscles to shoot that thing across the room!

God. Now I have to feel self-conscious that my uterus is neither skinny enough, nor cute enough. Three months til "Uterus Slimdown!" is in Vogue.

eh, mine just keeps telling me to have a baby.

My gyno found out where I worked, informed me that she was great friends with my boss, and then asked me to tell him hello. Yeah, RIGHT, because I want to tell my 75-year-old boss that I was at the gyno. I don't need to have work conversations ANYWHERE NEAR that close to being about my vagina.

@lesspopmorefizz: "Thanks, I made it myself!"

@MissPeacock: This makes me wish I were a gynecologist.

I'm loving this thread.

Gyno horror stories remind me of how much I adored the health center at Barnard, which was 100% run by ladies. Not a man in sight. It was perfect. Maybe the best part of going to an all-women college.

My Gyno was terrific the first time I went (I was young and terrified). She said, "ok, so this will be awkward, mostly for you. I do this every day."

Awesome.

You know what's weird? My gynecologist is the same guy who delivered me when I was born.

My doctor once shouted, "Wow you are LUCKY! You're really titled but in a good way. He must not have to work very hard at all!" He doesn't but I make him anyway.

@MissPeacock: That is the greatest story ever told. I think I just peed on my desk chair.

@mepo: She said about a third of the women she sees. Her practice, though, is in SoHo, and I'm guessing Manhattanite women are proportionally more hairless than the general American population.

My doc, for the record, is not in favor of waxing completely bare because "pubes there for the same reasons you have eyebrows--as a barrier to keep dust, dirt and sweat from irritating your mucous membranes."

My friend's gyno wanted to set her up with his son. AWKWARD.

@MissPeacock: that poor girl! That's enough to make someone develop gyno-phobia.

@MissPeacock: Mine too. It makes me feel a bit more comfortable, in a weird. way.

Also, that picture of a metal duckbill? My vagina is chilly and uncomfortable just looking at it. I will only let doctors use the plastic ones on me.

@BeckySharper:
My gyno told me the same thing about the pubes and the eyebrows.

She also told me to not wear thongs because they act as "bacterial fun slides" for my anus. She said that normal anal bacteria exists and that's healthy but then it rides the thong slide down into my crotch and that's when bad things happen.

I'm wondering if the "baby/small speculum" is more of a mental trick than anything else. You know, so you're like "oh, good, it won't hurt as much" and relax. Since I always get my exams done with these, like, individually wrapped disposable plastic speculums, I don't know that they come in sizes.

I've had my doctor tell me that my uterus tipped to the left, and that I was lucky because my breast tissue was nice and smooth. Both in extremely conversational tones appropriate to "oh, you know I found the cutest top the other day." Both times I think I was just like "oh, um, that's good."

@nadarine: Truthfully- I think they pretty much lie - its the vaginal equivalent of "no, you don't look fat in that". I have cervical cancer, constant lesions, get biopsy's at least every three months, and have had LEEP's performed. I tend to see a lot of different doctor's rather than just the family gyno (and mine retired last year). I swear at every pap- a different nurse practitioner who has not read my file tells me my cervix looks nice & pink.

@lolacat: *shudder* I would be horrified. It's already an uncomfortable experience. And I know that some people (like my mom) deal with it like, "Ho hum, I'm just another twat to these people." But my vagina is shy. I need my gyno to make me comfortable before I get up into the stirrups. Like a horse whisperer offering a horse a sugar cube.

@bananastand: Oh, I forgot. She also told me my vag smelled suspiciously good, and angrily accused me of douching. Even when I assured her I didn't, I was treated to a fifteen minute lecture on how bad it is for you. Good times.

when i was gyno shopping (short stint with real health insurance) i saw a an african american woman in her fifties, boho-chic and spiritual who proceeded to ask me very personal questions about my relationships with my boyfriend and my parents while examining me. as the speculum is sliding home she says rather emphatically:

"then what you're telling me is that you're a child and from what i can see down here you prefer to keep it that way"

WTF?

i go to planned parenthood now. you're in and you're out for $85 bucks.

I had my gyno's assisstant steal poo from my bum. She did a normal gyno exam and then announced she was going to do an anal exam- mind you, I was 17 and bum-virginal- and she stuck her fingers in and then said she was going to take poo for some sort of test. She also informed me my poo had a nice texture. I just about lost my mind.

Also, when I went back a year later, there was no report on any poo test. She was just some poo goblin.

Oh! I just went to the gyno on Monday, and she told me I had a large uterus. My friend says she is going to make a t-shirt for me that says "My uterus could eat yours for breakfast" but I hope she doesnt...

I once got "Nice amount of mucus you've got up there." Grrrreeeat, thanks, I'll be sure to put that on my facebook page.

@whoneedslight: OMG, imagine if they got married. Her MIL would know what her vagina looked like. Do not want!

@mystery white girl: Yeah, but I'm feeling like he's getting just a BIT too old for me, so I think I'm going to switch to this young female doctor who just joined the practice this year.

I always tell the gyno to say hi to my mom, because she sees him too.

@EdnasEdibles: Bacterial fun slide? Sounds even better than a donkey punch!

The last time I went, mine gave me a play-by-play of every.single.little.thing she was doing, and I would really have preferred to just close my eyes and wait until it was over, but I felt too bad to ask her to stop because she prefaced it by saying, "In 27 years of practice, I have only had three people object to my detailed explanations."

Creepy.

@DorothyZbornak: I'm DYING! Once when I was removing a tampon my Nuva Ring stuck to it and was flung across the bathroom. I had to tell my husband why I was howling with laughter while on the toilet.

@Triphena: I think my gyno does this every time I've been to him. None of my friends have ever had this done before. It makes me worry a bit.

I'm not a fan of the small talk with the gyno. Last time I went at my college, my gyno was doing the part of the exam where she presses on your tummy with a finger inside you. There was noise coming from another room that sounded like a girl crying and she says, "Oh sounds like they're having a time in there. I wonder what they're laughing about?" I was like, "Ummmm I think she's crying..." Very awkward.

I had crazy smells and discharge so I made an emergency visit to the gyno's office. The only doctor available was a man (not happy) who insisted on saying how "I'll be more gentle than a woman. I am very soft." His assurances reminded me of my first time having sex.
Upon finding the cause for the syptons, an unknown tampon, he insisted I take a look despite my furious head shaking. Finally the female nurse grabbed it and threw it away.

@MissPeacock: The first time I got a pelvic exam was from my mom's gyno. She was also the doc who delivered me, and my mom went with me b/c I was still a teenager. The doc and my mom got all nostalgic remembering my birth, which made me totally uncomfortable. I was just like, "um...I can haz pill now plz?"

My gyno is the most sex positive man I know. Always dispensing advice, free bc and generally making me laugh. He's also about 75, Polish (from the old country) and totally freaking bananas.

My last visit he told me " You have a beautiful pussy!" A little bizarre, but anyone who encourages me to go out and get laid (safely of course) is awesome to me.

@KathrynwithaY loves Joan Collins: Jeez, that's awful.

My first visit, the doctor was my mom's former gyn my mom stoppe