Jezebel
Surely you've heard by now but we'll pat our aching, aging backs one more time because we're just so elated — America is NOT IN A RECESSION! The American Gross Domestic Product actually grew last quarter, which was a huge disappointment to the whining Marxist doomsayers so intent on making Americans forget they are living in the greatest civilization that ever danced with the stars. Well, we've seen the data, Americans. We've scanned the fine print and scoured the blogosphere so you wouldn't have to, and we are here to tell you: it's true. The American economy grew last quarter, and we know exactly why. So don't listen to the haters! In lieu of the usual evening news roundup, Jezebel is here to bring you the seven reasons this great nation is still on the upswing.
Because America is not part of Europe. You know what would happen if we joined the European Union? Let's "mark to market" our economic figures to Euros for a second. (This is not a particularly meaningful exercise, but when the Gross Domestic Product is passing for the ultimate barometer of economic health I feel entitled to dabble in the absurd.) In the same amount of time that our economy cracked the $14 trillion mark, it would have shrunk 10% to 9 trillion Euros. In other words, no one would be lining up to buy cheap American exports. Of course, not that that much stuff is made in America anymore, which is why our 13% increase in exports of goods only contributed 0.2% in the way of GDP growth. But 0.2% can make all the difference!
Because The Rest Of The World Is Starving Thanks to land and pork barrel politics, agriculture remains a thriving (if small) sector of the American economy, and thanks to those same pork barrel politics we decided to drive food prices higher than oil prices would have already rendered them by paying people to use perfectly good corn to run cars or somesuch. Well, we make corn in America! And soybeans, and lots of other things that will make you fat if you aren't living on $3 a day in Nairobi.
Because The Rest Of The World Is Still Coming Here (And Fewer Than Ever Are Sending Their Money Home) America's growing population helps our GDP numbers sound good even when everything is actually getting harder for the average person! Between 2003 and 2007, for instance, our per-capita GDP grew less than 1.9% a year on average; Japan's per-capita GDP grew 2.1%! But thanks to our swelling immigrant class (and possibly, the celebrity baby boom) we have a growing populace that pumps that number up to nearly 3% annualized growth when we pool our funds together!
Because Everyone Is Sick, And Getting Sicker Health care a very important sector of the American economy — in fact, it's the only sector that's created any jobs since the nineties — and the costs — hey, every cost has a "benefit," hah! — just keep rising! That means lots of profits for all the companies working hard to remind us how bad heartburn can make you feel. And all the accountants and managers and lawyers responsible for figuring out how hospitals can add treatments and procedures to routine hospital stays so the insurance companies actually pay them; they are drivers of economic activity too! In this most recent quarter, medical care might have been the single brightest spot of a very unhappy chart: costs rose 12.1% over the quarter.
Because banks control all the money. The financial sector might seem like it's a mess right now, but they didn't get to represent more than a fifth of the whole GDP by being unclever. After getting the government to set up a special body giving them "immunity" from failure in the wake of that touching Jimmy Stewart movie, bankers quickly set about figuring out how to control all the money in the universe and take a big a cut possible each year in fear someone would figure out what they were up to and shut the whole thing down. Over time, of course, they realized that they controlled too much money for the government to ever shut any of it down, so at that point they just overpaid themselves because that's what they did last year, and because that's what everyone else was doing, and because if they didn't do it they were the greater fool. By 2005 the average finance worker earned 50% more than the comparable worker in any other field — and a lot of them made a lot more than that. But it's hard to blame them — absurdly profitable ideas like $3 ATM fees and selling repurposed mortgages to old people literally on a "fixed income" are all in a day's work for these guys.
Because "information processing equipment and software" sales increased 10.3%. And they haven't even released the new iPhone!
Because They Hate Us. These are serious times, Americans! We have a beautiful country to defend, and defense spending was perhaps the brightest spot on the latest GDP report of all. The Pentagon spent nearly $700 billion defending our freedoms last year, a 7.5% increase from last. And we haven't even started bombing Iran!
Image grabbed from Refacing Government Tender via Metafilter
BEA Press Release: Gross Domestic Product [Bureau of Economic Analysis]
Economists React: Recession "Still Likely" [WSJ]
Food Firms Profit As Demand Soars [WSJ]
Grossly Distorted Picture [Economist]
FDIC Seeks Hires, Braces For Trouble [WSJ]
Gross Domestic Product By Industry, Winners & Losers [Visualizing Economics]
What's Really Propping Up The Economy [BusinessWeek]
One Guy Who's Seen It All Doesn't Like What He Sees [WSJ]
Comments
Moe,
It's more ADM and Conagra are thriving. The smaller farms, not so much.
Otherwise, it's a well done analysis of why US America is the greetest (sic) nation of them all and not the tottering debt ridden humongous on the verge of taking down much of the world's economy thanks to the greed of the financial industry.
Doesn't this happen in "1984," when there's a radio broadcast about how the economy is going up and expectations were exceeded; but there is rampant poverty and things are actually getting worse? Anyone?
GDP would have been negative had it not been for inventories.
[www.bloomberg.com]
Man, I wish I had a dollar for every dime I had.
@daftpunkisplayingatMYhouse:
War is peace. Ignorance is strength. Um, totally.
yay! i can't wait until we all miss dinner because we are so environmentally friendly as a nation as to use barrels of oil in order to produce natural fuel.
regardless of how some (corporate) people are gaining money during these times, i'm living in a community that is definitely feeling the pinch of inflation and gas costs and a government that would rather invest money on war than in industry. and that doesn't even begin to address what is happening on other countries. it makes me sick and frustrated.
That was just off topic enough that it was neither a legitimate look at the US economy nor a parody.
Pick one and stick with it; don't leave me guessing.
Denial; it's not just a river in Egypt.
No. 8 Because it's a DEPRESSION?
{what is the difference between depression and recession? in the financial sense, I mean)(i think i'm in the mental health version of depression)
perception is reality . . . and my "perception" is that I've been looking for a job since December (never mind that worthless MA degree)...gas prices & food prices are killing my ass...and oh yeah, not getting any tax "breaks" for being a caregiver to my terminally ill father...
the "reality" for most "common" folk is that yeah, shit is tough nowadays...
rant. over.
Forgot one:
Because no one checks the Federal Reserve and they do what is best for us, which means print out more money, thereby reducing the actual cost of a dollar, thereby giving us all the finger.
Maybe we ought to dice up the definition of a recession. There are several different types of recessions, a consumer, industrial, agricultural, financial, and commercial. We got jammed with a combination financial/commercial recession. So, yes and no they are correct we are not in a recession, we are not in a consumer type recession.
''And we haven't even started bombing Iran!''
And where will USA get money for that? Huh? Borrow some more from China? And become Chinese province in a dozen of years.
Face it : USA is in debt over its head.
Several things can save it from recession : cut government expenses, stop bombarding every country in sight (The military is there to protect USA, not some ''democratic'' government overseas.), and stop wasting taxpayers money in a million different ways.
@sample032: Yeah; if there was a wink or a nod in there, I missed it.
America is in a recession.
GDP is down, gas at an all-time high, jobs down, food cost is up - We're a bunch of idiots..and everything is going to hell
@heathen: A depression is a decrease in GDP of over 10%.
At least we have topless(?) photos of fifteen year olds to look at. Err, nevermind.
@daftpunkisplayingatMYhouse: I remember that more in Animal Farm. But I've read that more recently.
However, in 1984, they do frequently switch enemies, and then tell everyone they've *always* been at war with Eurasia.
I must've missed the part of the post where anything related to celebrity, sex or fashion was mentioned.
Yeah, you lost me Moe; from my neck of the woods, it looks like we be fucked.
April Fools?
i actually have heartburn. did you know nexium makes you fat and isn't even covered by a lot of insurance companies?
but.. how does this affect me?
@daftpunkisplayingatMYhouse: a lot of things that happen these days seem to happen in 1984 - maybe it was a blueprint and not a warning after all!
I...
sigh.
I'll draft a response on zee blog.
@s1ipstream: Sarcasm...it's good stuff, you should try it.
As for the rest...meh. I've got plenty of blood, and can make more at any time. That, at least, should keep me in the beer money.
@daftpunkisplayingatMYhouse: Fuck 1984...I want Brave New World and its delicious, delicious soma and promiscuity.
@exelizabeth: No, no, Eurasia is our friend! Oceania is our enemy and always has been! Now go back to watching your 100 inch plasma screen tv and stay where I can see you.
If we're not in a recession, does that mean I can haz job? Also, up here in Maine, we talk half seriously of becoming part of Canada. This plan is looking better all the time.
has anyone seen "enron: the smartest guys in the room"? if not, watch it. then tell me if this all sounds a little too familiar.
Is it April First again?
That original article is...wow. Someone failed their Liberal Arts thing, huh?
@Karol at alarmingnews.com: This is the first time I've visited Jezebel. I usually hang out at Wonkette. This post is so...depressing. Where's the celebrity, sex, and fashion? I'm going back to Wonkette. Hail to Oceania!
The four riders are surely coming. And Famine is riding an FFV.
find my way to Mariana
On a wave of mutilation..
@MadameOvary: That's funny. I remember we used to talk about joining with the U.S., but that all ceased when our dollar became on par (it'll change back soon enough, no doubt). I think Ontario and Maine should become one country though; we'd be an easy going people who can pick blueberries really well and whose national sport is camping in the woods.
"where's george?" He ain't in your wallet..
Wait... is this serious?
I hate to tell you this but when the dollar is worth little (and less every day!), gas prices are soaring to the point where the working poor can't afford to get to work, food prices are rising and people everywhere are losing jobs and unable to find new ones- it's a damn recession.
And how does the fact that "the rest of the world is starving" have absolutely anything to do with the status of our economy? Unfortunately there may be more Americans starving soon.
Whatever. I refuse to believe this is serious. Surely somewhere along the line I missed the sarcasm.
As a Canadian I encourage this trend. Please stay the course with your economy so I can enjoy the exchange rate. I have to admit its been really fun buying your products on the internet at half the cost I would pay here.
No, sorry. We are. It's just too bad that the rest of the world knew before we did. It's amazing the kind of worldview you get when you leave our fair shores and enjoy a little media on the outside. It's not because they hate us - it's because other countries and cultures tend to understand the world as a whole, not just the US and...everyone else. If it were up the the American media, this news of recession would have never leaked.
i refuse to count "executive personal planners" into our GDP. I think that puts us in the red.
happy may day you capitalist pitgs.
"Because They Hate Us."
yup.
@trikitixa: Debt is wealth.
@braak: War is peace, so at least our logical approach is staying constant.
DEMOCRACY IN THIS COUNTRY IS A FUCKING FARCE.
Bad and greedy devils are running this place into the ground, so all I can suggest is battering down the ol' proverbial hatches, and sharing your food with as many nice people as you can.
It will just get suckier.
(There, I said it.)
Hey, Canadians, live it up. You're a great people, even if your six packs cost $12. (Must be that over-packaging; it's hard to extract one out of all that tough cardboard, especially if you've been drinking first.)
As I understand it, the reason why the economy is not in a recession is because it showed some minute sign of growth, the flicker of a pulse in a patient so wracked with numerous maladies that the doctors are amazed it's still alive. It's not as cognative-dissonant as it looks, even if every day is a horrible struggle to survive, and you can't afford the cotton balls to stuff in your ears to drown out the conservative commentators telling you how good everything would be if Congress just let W. do what he wants to do.
This is George Washington, now he's a mushroom.. Anybody remember that?
[www.associatedcontent.com]
@judithvansteppes: Meh, we were already tacking on 50% to the price of books and the like anyway.
That said, I can haz Canadian version of green card? Any hot canuck women want to marry me or something? I can cook!
(Caveat: must live in or near Vancooover)
@regisgoat: From what I gather, it has to do with increased inventories. Meaning that where people can't or won't buy stuff, it sits on the shelves and carries some value as such.
But it's deceptive, because stationary product isn't doing anybody any good...meaning that we're really in the red.
I think the article is supposed to be "tongue-in-cheek". It's like, duh, everyone feels like we're in a recession, but TECHNICALLY, because of those reasons Moe explained, we're not. So fuck it if gas is almost 4 dollars a gallon and we can't afford to buy anything anymore, this is NOT a recession. We'll just have to call it something else...
@NotNotLickingToads: this is partly true. but it's also true that excluding housing, growth was at 1.8% - hardly as bad as people are making it out to be, especially compared with european countries that would party all night long if they could get a quarter of nearly 2% growth.
whether one should exclude housing is another question. but it's still cyclical and has less to do with the overall health of the economy than people are making it out to be.
Spot on with health care. Its something like 12% of jobs and its ALWAYS growing. If economics would factor in the amount of jobs created in health care and therefore the income for people to spend on the economy uptight old guys on capitol hill would not be so freaked out over universal health care!
Seems to me she is pointing out that while technically there is no recession practically there is cause the things they measure to determine economic growth and prosperity are wonky
I've barely finished my morning coffee and you just gave me enough depression to last the day. *sigh*
@trikitixa: Absolutely Orwellian times. Yes.
I'm getting an MPA in International Development and, I must say, I eat, breathe, and drink this nonsense. It it is beyond depressing to see how fucked up our government is, how complacent our people have become, and the shocking levels of abject poverty much of the world lives in as a result.
It breaks my heart.
My 5 reasons that we are not in a recession
1)People are cruising around around town ALONE in giant 2 ton SUV's and sitting in line at the Taco Bell drive thru burning $4 gas to buy $5 worth of food...
2) Try to get in a Logan's Roadhouse,Applebee's O'Charleys, or any casual dining place at lunch or on a weekend...
3) The malls are just as packed as always. Especially on weekends.
4)Comcast, Charter and other cable and satellite entertainment companies are reporting record,robust profits. Hannah Montana tickets are being scalped for over $1100...
5)Lexus broke it'sold sales record this year.
There- there is no recession,just a lot of hot air...
@GTCosita: The article was (rather obviously) a parody of all the idgits who've been going on and on about how we're not REALLY in a recession, and how everything will just be fine if we act like nothing's wrong.