Jezebel
Welcome back to Midweek Madness. It's spring, and the weekly mags are all abuzz with a new relationship. In fact, according to In Touch and Us, Jen Aniston and John Mayer spent one weekend together in Miami and now it's LOVE. The other covers deal with Katie Holmes as a Stepford Scientology wife; the mental health of Britney's kids; and Angelina and Brad's "wedding of the year," which has supposedly happened or been going to happen for what feels like decades now. As always, Intern Sharon helps us do the dirty work as we try and wipe clean the pages of OK!, Us, In Touch, Life & Style and Star, after the jump.
OK!
"Wedding Of The Year." The mag claims that Angelina and Brad will get hitched in a small civil ceremony in New Orleans, then maybe honeymoon in the South of France. But guess what? They've already relocated to the South of France as of today. So. Moving on: A "50 Ways To Fake Your Weight" story has tips like "wear black, wear Spanx and "wear heels." Groundbreaking! Also inside: Jennifer Aniston went on a date with John Mayer — will he "eventually break her heart?"
Grade: F (scrubbing the toilet)
Us
"Jen & John: Suddenly In Love." Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have been "cyberflirting" by sending emails for like six months. The six-page story basically says they spent a weekend together in Miami. They ate out a lot. Also inside: Liv Tyler phoned a lawyer and complained that her husband was a leech on her assets and that she got married too young. Uh-oh. Jessica Simpson calls Tony Romo "my future husband." Romo visited The Diamond Doctor in Dallas. Are they getting engaged? Do you care?
Grade: D- (scouring soap scum in tub/shower)
Life & Style
"Reuniting For The Kids." The story doesn't actually say that Britney and Kevin are reuniting for the kids, it says that the two boys have erratic behavior, especially around Kevin's other kids. So Britney wants them back, for stability. Hmm. Meanwhile, Jamie Lynn's unborn baby: It's a girl! And JLS plans to have "Lynn" as part of the baby's name, duh. Plus, she's taking a breastfeeding class. A source says: "She's determined to do it!" Jennifer Aniston set up the date weekend with John Mayer: Is she moving to fast? They make it seem like she is desperate. Because, you know, when a woman makes the first move, she must be desperate. As for Lindsay and Sam, an insider says: "Sam knows in her heart that Lindsay isn't gay, so she basically lives in fear of every new cute guy that comes along and hits on Lindsay." Awww. Oh, and since Sam comes from money (her family is worth $300 million) LL is kind of a "kept woman." Tom Brady told Bridget Moynahan that he wants his girlfriend Gisele to develop a relationship with baby John because he plans on popping the question to Gisele.
Grade: D- (cleaning out the fridge)
In Touch
"Jen's Hot New Love." John Mayer booked room at the Four Season in Miami, but spent all his time at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel, where Jen Aniston had a $3,000 a night suite. The couple hung out in the sun and had a three-hour dinner, after which he went up in the elevator with her. Did he spend the night??? Moving on: There are two pages devoted to the fact that Nicole Kidman's "bump" is showing. Lindsay Lohan has moved in with her girlfriend Sam Ronson. A source says: "It may not be a sexual relationship, but Lindsay and Samantha are a couple. They even sleep in the same bed." But Linsday's pal designer Wayne Joffe says: "Lindsay is not gay. They're just being girls and are best friends." Britney's "crazy behavior" has cost her tons of cash! From the head-shaving on, since she hasn't been touring and has had to pay for security, legal fees and medical care, she's out $61 million. Star Jones and Al Reynolds are getting divorced! And gay rumors abound! Al's own mother says: "I truly believed that he would never get married. He never seemed interested." Meanwhile: Is Mariah Carey engaged to Nick Cannon??? OMG Heidi Klum sent Victoria Beckham food for her birthday. Heidi is having a dozen cupcakes from Sprinkles in L.A. delivered to Posh every week for a year! The mag reminds you that Posh was asked by Barbara Walters if she would ever eat a cookie, and Posh said, "No." Meh, the best thing in this mag was a picture of puppies (Fig. 1).
Grade: D (cleaning out the closets)
Star
"Scientology Boot Camp For Katie!" Katie Holmes has been doing Scientology stuff including various testing, confession sessions, tons of reading and physically challenging purification processes. Katie does intense auditing sessions that last for 36 hours straight with no sleep or food. She took a course called "The Potential Trouble Source/Suppressive Person Course" that teaches if someone doesn't like Scientology, you must ignore or disconnect from them. Fun! Also inside: Matthew McConaughey has given up beer because pregnant girlfriend Camilla was frustrated that she had to go on the wagon while he continued to party. Blind item! "Which new heartthrob could soon disappoint teen girls across the universe? At a premiere party for his new flick, he was spotted making out and leaving with a guy." Are Jessica and Ashlee in a "race to the altar"? A source says Jess is jealous of all the attention Ash gets and would love to get married first. Britney's boys are back in her life and "not afraid of her anymore" because she doesn't take them out into crowds where they have "had bad experiences." Nicole Richie is torn between being a mommy and being a party girl. She goes from the nursery to the nightclub. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are thought to be the couple in a blind item from the New York Daily News: "Which weekly glossy just signed a megamillion dollar contract with a certain annoying celebrity couple? The deal is, the magazine will get exclusive interviews with the couple, but in turn, they need to break up (again), get back together (again) and actually get married." Hmm, is the glossy in question Us? Lastly: "Roly-Poly Romeos" that have gone from hunk to chunk include Jake Gyllenhaal, Nick Lachey and Dane Cook.
Grade: D (clearing/organizing drawers)
Fig. 1
Comments
Shiloh's surprise for Brad: "Guess what, daddy? I'M ADOPTING!"
Oh Gawd, not John Mayer again!! That boy has been passed around like a good paperback. Does he have a magic dick or something? I don't get it!!!
Oh, I don't like the item about Liv's marriage. That would just make me sad if it's true.
Somehow Lindsay Lohan being a kept woman makes perfect sense.
P.S. Pls to be forwarding cupcakes to me nao?
I dont know, Jen Aniston doesnt seem so desperate to me. I'd say shes livin the life.
(True NE fan here) But you know what Tom Brady - **** off. What an ass. I hate him.
Where does one go about purchasing a bucket full of polar bear-puppy hybrids? Because, um, I need that.
want.puppy!
Someone needs to tell Mayer that is no way to take care of a new tattoo. Does he want his spankin' new sleeve to look like my Uncle Joe's military tats? Sunblock and/or long sleeves, John.
I was quickly scanning the OK cover and I thought it said "Matching Belts."
Which is actually kind of awesome.
@BeckySharper: You know what? I would not be surprised if his dick is magical. Prob sings "your body in a wonderland" after he gives you amazing sex.
Why does Katie Holmes look alarmingly like Michael Jackson on the front of Star magazine? Is she planning to relaunch her career as a Jacko impersonator?
@BitchIsTheNewBlack: I just pictured Mayer's penis literally singing and it cracked me up.
John Mayer = 2000's version of Warren Beatty minus all the talent.
Aww, poor Jen Aniston.
Also - John Mayer = yuck. His luck with women is as baffling as Dwight Yoakam's.
BI - Chace Crawford?
@JessicaLovejoy: More business juice, please!:
I would die happy if I could get a year's worth of Sprinkle cupcake's delivered to me. It would be worth the 40 hours in the gym each week to burn them....mm red velvet
And with this week's Mid-Week madness, we can finally put all speculation about Linds and Sam to rest.
In fact, let's bury it.
MY eulogy:
The LiloRon relationship has been with us for several months now, and many Jezebels and some Lezebels have grown quite attached. We have had good posts and horrendous posts about their status. After an excessive amount of controversy over what we all believe/wish to say about LiloRon- we have reached a point where we are now beating a dead horse. So it is with some sadness and RELIEF, that we now send the relationship to its eternal rest. Oh, LiloRon. You have entertained us well.
Rest In Peace.
@crazybitch:
I call Zac Efron
First of all, my pretty, pretty girl is doing just fine.
Secondly, don't all lesbians have a straight girlfriend? I mean, come on, it's normal.
Of course, I hope they are happy together forever. And, when they aren't, I will take over caring for both of them, but in very different ways.
The idea of Aniston and Mayer together is awesome - stoners unite!
Those puppies are SO cute! *Nom nom nom nom nom*
The Posh cupcake story has made me do a 180 on my opinion of Heidi Klum. I now adore her.
Aw Jezebel, reading trashy magazines so I don't have to since 2007!
Tony, if all the shit Jessica and her family have purportedly been telling people about how great you are together and how you're gonna get married doesn't make you realize how weird and disturbed they are? Then enjoy the divorce.
Papa Joe is really excited for them to get married, so Jessica will stop being a whore and he can get a new reality show out of this. "Jessica and Tony: Love and Football" or some shit.
If Sam really is afraid whenever a guy comes around, that makes me really sad. I hate doomed relationships, and it doesn't get much more doomed than that, where one person is gay and the other is straight.
I'm not physically so attracted to John Mayer, but something about him does it for me. Maybe he's just got "it" for some girls?
OK. So if that nasty little rumor that John Mayer likes to give the ladies golden showers is true, I hope Jen breaks him of it before they do the deed.
That is a rule breaker.
For all you Mets fans, dreamboat John Maine has said he has a HUGE crush on Jennifer Aniston. I'd say he has a chance (being rich and adorable), and that if John Maine got his wish, I'd be a happy girl.
Um, what does Nick Cannon actually do? Is hosting Wildin' Out actually a job? He's supposedly a "rapper" but has he even put out an album? Most importantly, is Mariah crazy? There aren't enough words for my Nick Cannon hatred.
@Philthyist is annoyed: HA!!
John Meyer makes me asexual. yucko
Note how Spawn of Brit #1 looks like KFed and Spawn#2 looks like Mommy!
I absolutely love the idea of Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer being an item. I don't know why, but it seems like the universe got this one right -- the perfect stars aligned. (I'm such a cheeseball.)
With John Mayer's love for the golden showers, it seems Jen's highlights won't be the only gold thing on her head.
oh, let her have her toyboy.
@BAngieB: Maybe so, but if one wants something that the other is unable to give because of their biology...trouble. I read somewhere that unrequited love isn't romantic; it's just painful. Probably so.
And I'm sure you would be an excellent caretaker for both of them.
Also, I thought 36 hours with no sleep or food wasn't Scientology so much as the Hollywood diet.
it wouldn't surprise me to learn that katie is kept in a basement hovel with no windows.
I don't think I will ever see anything cuter than a bucket full of puppies.
I would date that. Take it to nice restaurants. Buy nice clothes. Get a good house.
@JessicaLovejoy: More business juice, please!: Yah- Vix, I know you don't like to eat, so please forward to SkipToMyLou c/o Poor Grad Student Mothers of Toddlers Who Need Cupcakes. Ta!
Uh, does anybody else think Katie looks like an unforch Michael Jackson? Dear god, I want my Joey back!
Those puppies look stoned.
@HoneyLush: What about that speedracer guy?
"They ate out a lot."
More than I needed to know at lunchtime. Thanks.
@ElleL: WHAAA??!! more info plz.
"A source says Jess is jealous of all the attention Ash gets and would love to get married first."
Um, Jessica, you did already get married first. You're not such a half-wit that you forgot about 98 degrees of Nick Lachey... are you?
*Praise Xenu!!! My Dad thinks Scientology is such a joke, he claims they audit with a couple of tin cans and a piece of string.
@BeckySharper: Yeah, Mayer always seemed a bit of a man-whore to me. How many of these Hollywood girls (and boys) has he hooked up with over the past 2 years?
Heidi totes pulled that classic move where you send out food to people (or put it out in front of your desk), candies, etc. but you don't eat it yourself.
That, or Posh totally did something to piss Heidi off.
@JessicaLovejoy: More business juice, please!:
Or "Daddy, I got something in my diaper you best be tending to."
@roodles: how quickly we forget Gigolo featuring R Kelly !!!
@winnie the pooh:
Silly, that was many albums ago.
Now she has to have a new marriage for her "comeback"!
@BeckySharper: It must be the Guitar playing thing. Women have a thing for Guitar players....looks like badly Tattooed ones at that!
The Diamond Doctor? Sounds like a classy joint.
Is it just me or does the Britney spawn on the left look slightly like a younger Pope Benedict crossed with one of the animatronic puppet aliens from Total Recall?
I'm thinking about this a lot and I need conclusiveness.
www.reluctantwhore.com
@TaliaBeloved: I do, too. They are American cheese.
@ElleL: @BeAgrestic: "The One Where Jen Gets Pissed On"