Dear Osama Bin Laden's former driver Salim Hamdan: you had the right idea, sleeping through your court appearance this morning. Seven years you've resided in Guantanamo, yet somehow the Pyrrhic victories you score against the idiocracy do not cease. You won a Supreme Court case against one of the most loathed men in the most loathed presidency in US history; then the guards moved you into solitary confinement. Your empathetic lawyer was named one of the 100 most influential in America; then he got fired from the Navy. Outside your cell walls yesterday George W. Bush heaped new praise on ethanol subsidies and gas tax relief and the World Bank President wondered whether we were really opting to feed our cars before we fed our stomachs. (The answer to that is yes.) So yeah, we'll wake you when the world is just a little less absurd. Till then Megan and I will parse Jeremiah Wright and whether "pansy" is a gay slur and all that usual crap we do after the jump.
MEGAN: I have decided that drunkorexia is best practiced by professionals.
MOE: You gotta just remember it is beer that is your friend. Although apparently rising in cost these days. Are they showing this cop kicking dog video on your news channels? Because I bet they're not showing the Paula Abdul memory lapse clip...
MEGAN: They just spent 10 minutes discussing Carly Simon and Joni Mitchell and whatever on MSNBC. Apparently, there's nothing important in the world today.
MEGAN: I'll try out the beer thing next time. I went with my normal red wine this time.
MOE: Oh man that book. Carole King is the missing piece, although she doesn't seem to have much to do with the other two. Hey before I tire of the subject — oh wait, that happened two months ago — Obama joined Trinity for the gays.
MEGAN: Well, I mean, who doesn't like the gays? Um, well, I mean, except North Carolina Governor Mike Easley.
MOE: Oh good lord. I saw that quote. Tell me, when you saw that quote, did you think, "I am offended on behalf of homokind" or did you think, "New levels of rhetorical idiocy"? Because I think you know where I came down but I'm a certified insensitive person.
MEGAN: Well, I mean, personally I saw him, like, air punching out of the corner of my eye with the mute on and decided he was quite possibly insane. But, also, I guess I never thought about "pansy" as a gay slur but Aravosis is right, it is.
MOE: Yeah I thought it could also convey the proverbial 98 pound weakling? Butt sex totally optional?
MEGAN: I think it's both?
MEGAN: Butt sex: always totally optional, by the way, in my opinion.
MOE: Either way, gays, hear that? Obama became inextricably wound up with that crazy egotistical preacher who may sabotage his presidential ambitions for you people! Are you going to keep clinging to Hillary like PANSIES?
MEGAN: I keep having this conversation, I know, but I really, really don't understand the LGBT community's unabashed Hillary love. I really, really don't.
MEGAN: Anyways, so, by the way, the stupid do-not-fly list also grounds air marshalls. Can we now admit that this is a stupid clusterfuck of an idea and quit doing it now?
MOE: OH my God that is the most hilarious story ever. Who knew there were air marshals with the same names as terror suspects? What I love, too, is that the names are probably like "John Walker" and "Richard Reid" ...one thing I noticed when I used to be on the mailing list for those terror suspect lists was that they still had names of dudes who had, like, died before USS Cole.
MEGAN: Our government, protecting the skies from air marshalls! And Ted Kennedy, Congressman Darrell Issa, Congressman John Lewis, Congressman Don Young and Congresswoman Zoe Lofgren's husband.
MOE: And speaking of Not Flying for reasons other than general airline logistical ineptitude, Osama Bin Laden's super sweet son married to that sassy cougar is not allowed to come to the UK.
MEGAN: Aw! And we're still trying to put OBL's driver on trial, unsuccessfully.
MOE: Wow, and she totally wears the pants too.
"We have a nice house in Cairo, but we have no real place to call home. I need my family and I need medical attention in the UK. Our only chance to be together was to live in Britain. We have vowed never to be parted. Omar will never take another wife as long as I am alive."
Although I have to wonder what sort of medical attention she's seeking (cough eye job cough)
MEGAN: Or, um, in vitro maybe?
MEGAN: I love, also, that the assumption is that he could/would take another wife. Maybe that's why she wants to go back to Britain? Since he was still married to the first wife when they met and got married?
MEGAN: Whoa, MSNBC is reporting breaking news that Michigan governor Jennifer Granholm is undergoing emergency surgery.
MOE: I don't know much about Jennifer Granholm. I know GM reported some disappointing earnings or something, but how disappointing could they be in the context of all that previous disappointment?
MEGAN: Well, and disappointing enough to cause the governor to need surgery?
MEGAN: Granholm, btw, can never be President because she's Canadian-born, and she's a Hillary supporter. Obama doesn't get all the female governors.
MEGAN: It's for a bowel obstruction.
MOE: We should do a video on that. A companion piece to Tracie's colonic video. That story about Osama Bin Laden's driver Salim Hamdan...is it about the fact that he chose to show up to court in prison clothes? Or how his exchanges with the judge at the military tribunal were somehow friendly and human and good-naturedly resigned after seven years of pointless interminable detention? I couldn't quite tell but it's interesting.
Looking down across the makeshift courtroom on Tuesday, Judge Allred told Mr. Hamdan he wanted to give him a fair trial. He coaxed his famous defendant, who was once Osama bin Laden's driver, to stick with the process.
"Mr. Hamdan," Judge Allred said, "I think you should have great faith in American law. You have already been to the Supreme Court."
"The Supreme Court of the United States," he continued, "said to the president, 'You can't do that to Mr. Hamdan.' You were the winner. Your name is printed in our law books."
The detainee, a handsome man with curly brown hair and a quick grin, was noncommittal. Mr. Hamdan, in his seventh year of captivity, noted that despite the judge's literal words, he had not been to the Supreme Court himself. The lawyers, he said, had not taken him with them.
MEGAN: It was, I sort of liked the story.
MEGAN: And then the judge and the detainee laughed! And then he continued boycotting.
MOE: Yeah it's like some Russian play I read once or imagined reading or something.
MEGAN: Only it's sadly real, and that dude is going to spend the rest of his life in captivity whether he participates or not.
MOE: I had this theory that they're too sleep deprived to figure out how to kill themselves, or even muster the will.
MEGAN: plus, they're totally guarded against doing that.
MOE: Did Bush actually reiterate his support of ethanol subsidies in the face of massive opposition from the reality based community yesterday? Because that is also bad. Will the food crisis actually make this into an issue? It seems like the media is trying.k
MOE: Faustian bargains sigh.
No place demonstrates the competing demands on corn better than Iowa, one of the two biggest corn-exporting states. Iowa is home to 28 ethanol plants, which consume more than a quarter of its corn crop; two dozen others are under construction or in planning stages.
MEGAN: Everyone loves them the ethanol subsidies! Plus, we don't have a food shortage here, what do we care?
MOE: Oh forget what I said about sleep deprivation...Hamdan slept in!
MEGAN: I wish I had slept in! Luckily, that's what naps are made for.