My mother is Miss Lonely Hearts, but instead she likes to divulge on my behalf. "Oh, you know--five years ago hamburgerhotdog couldn't wear that sort of dress because she was really large in the behind. But then she got out of that ED treatment clinic and she's been great ever since!" Thanks, mom.

And I care why?

I have major spending and shopping problems. And that is all.

I think #4 is Cameron Diaz. And only Cameron Diaz. I base this solely on what I know of her from the previews of her many cinematic accomplishments.

I am the addict, but all online. Like a closet eater. I'm the one that would never buy 1 Rory Beca top for $250, but if I can buy 3 for $75 each, none of which I ever wear, IT'S ON! Luckily I don't do it for attention, but rather to keep myself from dying of boredom at work. Much like this here site.

Oh good lord my previous post was based on the idea that this type of woman was invented by the writer.

Uh, I dunno, but my roommate pissed all over a dressing room just last night. She cleaned it up herself though.

I've cried in a dressing room. After a long day of trying on ugly dresses for my bro's wedding and none of them fitting. And then my mom showed up with the UGLIEST dress of all time, and said, "Here, how about this one?" And I just lost it. Everyone thought I was a wacko.

Where exactly would you file the customer who once approached me asking for a needle or a pin so they could pop a sore she had in her mouth, but then said (upon seeing my horrified expression), "Don't worry, I'll give it back to you when I'm done"?

I witnessed a psycho shopper in a dressing room in Nordstrom once. It was one of the most fascinating experiences of my life. And it was made all the better by the fact that she was raging in Spanish. She was speaking too quickly for me to make much out of it but I didn't need a translator to know that woman was not happy. And that she did not want anything azul in her wardrobe.

I am Little Ms. Indecisive. I am only slightly ashamed.

But isn't it weird that WWD is complaining about this? aren't compulsive shoppers, no matter how annoying, vital to the industry? Don't bite the hand that feeds you, right?

I'd say I'm a shopping addict, but I DO know exactly why. It makes me sooooo fucking happy to buy a bunch of shit. I love it. I think everything I buy is going to make my life better.

Until I get home. Like some kind of shameful morning after nightmare.

Having worked a lot of retail, I've encountered all five. I hate...all of them. There should be a new list to include those who Need To Speak to Your Manager Immediately, those who Didn't Receive A Coupon But Require A Discount Anyway, and those who insist on bringing their bratty kids to shop and ignore when they knock over every display.

why are all of these referring to women? i can think of some men who would fall into some of these categories.

I'm #6: Obsessive shopper with all of her favorite sales ladies on speed dial, who call once a week to update me on what's new in the store, and have a rack available for me of clothing set aside when I arrive. I then choose a small selection of very expensive items, but them with my black AmEx, and go on my merry way to a ladies private luncheon to support ANAD and buy some more expensively delicious clothing from an auction (they're VINTAGE! And it's for Charity!).

...in my dreams.

Scary thing is, up until the luncheon thing, it's true for my mom. I dream of having her life *sigh. And to top it off, she is the nicest most incredible woman in the world.

This makes me so happy to be a lazy shopper. I do know too many girls who spend ALL of their money on outrageously expensive clothing and are in perpetual debt and can barely afford to pay rent or feed themselves. sometimes I am jealous of them because they always look nice and have awesome clothes and stuff seems to work out for them because they are good looking. then i remember that i'm spendind my money on an education and they arent. then i wonder if that will actually benefit me in the future. then I try to just stop thinking about it and eat some chocolate instead because THAT is something that'll definitely benefit me at least.

@hamburgerhotdog: run. away. screaming.

Are you considered an extreme shopper if you only go every 5-7 years? Like Agorashopia or Ms. Still Wears 8th Grade T-Shirt? Because that's more my speed.

@Lady Skittlehattington's evil twin, Whorey Licoricetits: My Aunt had to walk me out of the Gap, in tears, when she came to visit with my mom last year. On Newbury Street in Boston. It was not my finest moment.

How about, I like to occasionally buy a pair of shoes or a hot dress or shirt when I have the money?

I am an addict for baby clothes.
i can not stop shopping for my son.

@hamburgerhotdog: ewww!

how does the list translate to barnes and noble? clothes: meh. b and n: my crackhouse.

@Lady Skittlehattington's evil twin, Whorey Licoricetits: I cry every time I have to go shopping. Even at my absolutely lightest -- and the closest I'll ever come to being "ideal" -- I was still sobbing quietly in the changing room because nothing looked decent on me.

I haaaaaate shopping.

@hortense: Baby, the internet was made just for you.

I can't decide what's the greater evil--seeing my cellulite in three different mirrors under florescent lighting or ordering something that doesn't fit and having to suck up the shipping costs of returning it.

@Bellina130: I have worked retail before, and yes, it is a nightmare. I don't envy you. I find it very strange, as an admitted shopping addict, that people need the constant assistance of a salesperson while shopping. Because when I'm there, I am on a MISSION, and I want to go on that mission alone. I don't fuck with anyone else and hope no one else fucks with me.

I have a big, big problem.

@iodine: Yeah I am one of those. But I'm educated.

This will be something to attack with my new therapist.

From my retail experience, these shopping conditions were always co-morbid. A Miss Lonely Hearts was almost always a Psycho Shopper, and the Performers were almost always Addicts.

But then again, my store was well known for its population of strippers and society wives.

@sabbaticalplease: I do this site for attention.

I verge on being a Little Miss Indecisive, but I don't see how that falls in to the extreme shopper category. I don't put clothes on hold, but I do look at things 5 times before buying and I frequently return things I've had second thoughts about.

I think of it as a form of spending control - I'm actually not in debt from my shopping like I would be if I just bought everything that caught my eye. And I wear most of the stuff I buy.

I'm definitely indecisive. That's why I mostly shop online, where I can keep coming back and obsessing without security being called. On the bright side, I've made very few purchases I regret... On the not-so-bright side, I never have enough clothes.

I know somebody who is banned from a certain store where the workers are about to go on strike because she was a chronic returner.

I am an indecisive online shopper; I have so many things in so many baskets on so many sites, but when it actually comes to purchasing them, I'm all "eh."

Real life shopping, however, depends on the mood at the time.

@blackbirdfly: You and I need to hang out. I rarely interact with sales people - except to chit chat and maybe get another size, I know what I'm doing.

My boss and I went drunk shopping at Bloomingdale's the other day. Now THAT is some trouble.

See, this shit just doesn't happen in places where groceries and shoes coexist.

I was a cosmetics girl for years, and I have seen all kinds of amazingly idiotic behavior. Like the woman who insisted that the lipstick caused a breakout on her forehead. Even though she was wearing foundation from Avon that she had in her closet for 15 years...

I think I'm in Little Ms. Indecisive's wedding. Just today, she sent me an email with pictures of two wedding dresses asking me if I liked the one she chose or the other one she tried on. I couldn't remember which was which (especially since I wasn't there when she tried on and chose) so I asked. She wrote back saying, "I'm not going to tell you. Just pick your favorite."
She also used to accumulate piles of clothing that she'd attempt to return.

@howdybeep (rear wheel drive): Come, come. We go shopping together. I'm the same exact way. I refuse to shop in stores where mine is the largest size.

If I could afford to buy clothes every day of my life, I would.

One of my mom's friends makes friends with a salesperson wherever she goes. She could talk to a brick wall and it would talk back to her.

I am the comparison shopper--I will go to no less than five different places, try on things many times and make sure I am getting THE ABSOLUTE lowest price before purchasing. I'm the person who comes in and looks at it three times before buying.

"They have me lift a boob, adjust a bra or snap a bodysuit. Ick."

Single best thing I have read all day!

@Lady Skittlehattington's evil twin, Whorey Licoricetits: I, too, have cried in a dressing room. But, in my defense, I was 17 and trying to find a prom dress. Nothing fit because obviously (remember, 17!) I thought I was the fattest person on the planet. My mom asked me if I wanted her to go get some more so I could keep trying, and I just LOST it! There were many questioning stares.

Very scary stuff. My mother is the addict. I'm close to being little ms indecisive except that I usually never actually buy anything that I try on.

@Archetype: Are you a speed demon shopper too? Because people are amazed at the amount of damage I can do in 30 minutes. That shit is BUSINESS, y'all.

I feel that I can print this off, show it to the boy, and say "see? I don't have a shopping problem. OTHER PEOPLE have a shopping problem. Now would you mind freeing my new dress from its current hostage situation?"

@blackbirdfly: I'm with you on the guilt thing. Sometimes I feel guilty just for going into Anthropologie (or wherever) and looking at the clothes I cannot afford. Nevermind when I actually do splurge on something. I have a ridiculous problem with guilt that rivals the many Catholics I know.

@booglass: [jezebel.com]

When I was in school, I worked in a store where Paula Abdul shopped. Her most memnorable visit lasted 8 hours- she was crying all over the place, kept hitting her head on things, at one point said "Where am I?" and then pooped in the garbage can in the bathroom.

I hate trying on clothes and when I find something I like that fits, I buy it in almost every color. I guess you could say I squirrel away multiples of stuff I like so I don't run out and have to go back to the mall. That's the worst shopping habit I have.

I know girls that fit into each extreme category. I should delete them out of my phone, they are all that ridiculous.

@blackbirdfly: Yeah I think that's the hardest part about working retail. You have to find a balance in your demeanor because some people want every single second of your attention (and want to tell you about some weirdass shit) despite the fact that you're helping 18 people, and OTHER people can't even muster up a hello when you greet them as if condescending to talk to you would make them filthy just like you obviously are.

So yeah I'm bitter. And I actually am paralyzed with fear of offending retail workers at all stores and I end up being really, really creepy. Slash friendly....?

@blackbirdfly: There's a whole lot of impulsiveness going on with me. I think I've replaced my drug use with shopping.

I can do a shitload of damage in 30 minutes.

I will always love to shop, but I need to get a handle on it for sure.

@CMG: Oh God. Me too. Do not even venture near a bookstore with me unless you are willing to sacrifice the next several hours of your life. Trust.

@Lady Skittlehattington's evil twin, Whorey Licoricetits: Cool, because I am in need of some new jeans and tops for work. And I've bulked up again, because I am made of fail.

I have never cried in a dressing room, but I have cried in Sephora. More than once. I know nothing about make-up, and I get so overwhelmed, and it's the lighting, and the mirrors and the crowds...just thinking about it makes my chest hurt

My friend calls it Bulimic shopping. She will go and buy things fully knowing that she is going to return it. Seems like a lot of effort. I usually just keep the stuff...over eater

@Bellina130: so true.

What about the ones who grab absolutely every item in the store, try it all on, leave a mess in their dressing room, and don't buy a single item?

Or the women who insist that their size is in the back - can you check it a third time? ...yourself?

And my all time favorite: I bought this blouse 15 years ago, and because there wasn't a return policy back then I'd really like to return it. Oh yea, and it has tags, but no receipt because those weren't necessary back then either. So if they bought it on credit or from a gift card, they get cash back no matter what. For a 15 YEAR OLD BLOUSE!

...sorry, rant over.

And lady? Calling another store to find out if they have your item in your size takes 10 minutes at least. You standing there glowering at me isn't going to make the process go any faster.