Aw, look at the cute boys from Scranton who got suspended for cutting class to see Obama! They missed a quiz on The Stranger. "Existentialism is dead," one said. If only we could say the same for killing the Arabs, kids! So yeah, we really, really wanted to play hooky today. It's hot in my house and most of the "news" today consists of different ways of saying "Barack Obama is fucked and can't win and has alienated every typical white person he has ever encountered blah blah, blah blah and oh yeah Eliot Spitzer fucks whores; stop me before I kill my laptop without remorse etc." So yeah, Megan and I decided to talk instead about Syria and North Korea and all the other places we could totally obliterate, plus who bought the securities backed by mortgages in Gaza, but we don't really find any answers. Click or don't click, it doesn't really matter.
MOE: Okay, so here's a dumb question. When North Korean scientists visit Damascus to give them tips on the whole plutonium thing, what language do they use? There are probably a hundred different little cultural misunderstandings on those surveillance tapes that would make for an amusing screwball comedy.
MEGAN: Wanna bet they use English? The official language of nuclear proliferators since 1945!
MOE: Do you think they'd make it that easy on the spies? What if they used Latin?
MEGAN: Then the Pope would have to translate for us! He's into non-proliferation, since the only things he wants to see proliferate are Catholic babies.
MEGAN: Pig Latin, though, that might be hard.
MOE: Okay so maybe I should explain to readers that you are in my house and we are looking at the New York Post and trying to figure out whether we care about the Spitzer hooker scandal. I'm going with "no."
MEGAN: Yeah, I mean, without more details then liked to incorporate sex toys, I don't really care enough to speculate.
MOE: I don't even get what the story is other than his "fondness for hookers" was "corroborated" by a second hooker. Haven't we gotten this story corroborated by like 29 hookers at this point? Aren't we pretty much secure in the knowledge that Eliot Spitzer fucked whores? Yes.
MEGAN: I mean, but maybe he liked big dildoes shoved up his ass. Maybe, like most men, he liked to watch them masturbate? I dunno, I guess we just all like to watch something, and somehow people think hearing more about Eliot Spitzer nekkid and fucking is salacious.
MOE: I am sooooo over it it is like the porn you used to love that never does the trick anymore and you just can't get back the magic, no matter how desperate and/or drunk, except it involves Eliot Spitzer so ICK.
MOE: So I wanted to spend the day talking about Israel actually.
MEGAN: I mean, it's slightly less gross than a Normal Mailer sex memoir, but either's a bonerkiller.
MEGAN: Oh, ok. Israel. Um, I hear it's nice and wedding dresses are expensive there.
MOE: And the secret agreement they apparently had with Bush, on the basis of a letter Bush sent Sharon in 2004. I think the letter said something like "well you are there, and uh, you have nukes, so...what about we pretend we never had this conversation? Look, I already forgot!"
MEGAN: This doesn't surprise me, somehow.
MOE: Colin Powell emailed the Post saying he never saw the letter.
MOE: Also, I love this idea:
Weissglas said that in 2005, when Sharon was poised to remove settlers from Gaza, the Bush administration made a secret agreement — not disclosed to the Palestinians — that Israel could add homes in settlements it expected to keep, as long as the construction was dictated by market demand, not subsidies.
MEGAN: Market demand? Are there people that are like, hey, cool, the Gaza strip is like, totes cheap and Tel Aviv has gotten too expensive?
MOE: Oh yeah market demand. That's a good reason to move all your earthly possessions from Florida and build a house in the middle of a war zone.
MEGAN: Well, are you more or less likely to get foreclosed on in Gaza?
MEGAN: Because one would think that would be a house a bank would not wish to repossess, but, then, one would think that about a lot of property these days and they do it anyway.
MOE: Oooh that's a good thought: also, where can I buy some distressed collateralized debt obligation containing some of the securities backed by Gaza mortgages now that we have this news? Kidding, I guess it's still a kind of a shady investment, huh. Better to invest in the kid supplying ammo to the Afghan counterinsurgency, no duh. But yeah, seriously, this isn't about Gaza, it was about other settlements I think? To sweeten the whole "get out of Gaza" deal? Don't you wish reparations would work on these guys? Come back to America, folks! We've got your housing!
MEGAN: But you can't grow olive trees pretty much anywhere but California... luckily, Stockton has a ton of foreclosures.
MOE: Between Condi and Colin Powell and Bush and the ambassador to Israel and Jimmy Carter it sure seems like America is the land of numerous conflicting Israel policies you know?
MEGAN: Wait, we're supposed to have one Israel policy? Other than "support at all costs regardless"?
MOE: Wouldn't it be cool if Obama gave a sort of "race speech," only in Jerusalem? Too bad he doesn't have any Jews in his family to "throw under the bus" for a good cause, so to speak. Oh wait, he probably does.
MOE: Still, it's kind of complicated once you go over there and realize there is really no basic uniting "all men created equal" business.
MEGAN: Not that such shit works here either.
MOE: Yeah but when you say such a thing in a speech it doesn't sound like you're necessarily on Ecstasy. Which by the way the Israelis control the trade of. (WHY DON'T THEY USE IT.)
MEGAN: Wait, so ecstasy is made in Israel? Did you know we have a free trade agreement with them?
MOE: No actually I didn't know that. It never occurred to me actually. I don't spend nearly enough time thinking about trade negotiations. When's that date back to? What's their big export, besides Dead Sea salt scrubs and such? I'm such a dumbass.
MEGAN: It's more than 20 years old, actually!
MOE: I think I noticed that the Dead Sea salt scrubs were not really any cheaper over there than they are here but then I figured that QVC was a much bigger purchaser of such things than the Massadah Duty Free Shop and attributed it to that.
MEGAN: I could use a good salt scrub right now, actually.
MOE: There's some in the shower!
MEGAN: Hooray! I need one of those too.
MEGAN: So, the Israeli FTA is older than NAFTA, and doesn't have labor or environmental provisions but I'll bet neither Clinton or Obama wants to renegotiate that one.
MOE: Does it say anything about employment discrimination? Anyway. I guess we should quickly address the election. I mean...peace in the Middle East...not like we're going to get much clarity on this topic! Oh, you know what I decided would be funny? If the Syrians and the North Koreans decided to find an obscure language with which to communicate their nuclear plans and they randomly chose Yiddish.
MEGAN: Which is also really similar to German.
MOE: And somehow no one in all of Mossad knew what they were saying and they had to get some guy with a giant furry hat to translate and he purposely fucked up the translation and...I don't know. ELECTION.
MEGAN: Right, election.
MOE: Today is the day that all the columnists come out and say HILLARY CAME BACK, OMG, OBAMA'S LOSING STEAM, HE CAN'T WIN, SHE'S CAPTURED THE HEARTS OF THE DEMOCRATIC ELECTORATE, SHE'S SO MUCH BETTER AGAINST MCCAIN I'm totally over it. I wasn't at all surprised by her margin in Pennsylvania, and neither was anyone, and I'm happy for her that she raised some money on this "momentum" but I'm sad for America because this is getting ridiculous.
MOE: It's all Karl Rove to me.
MEGAN: I mean, I think pundits have to keep filling space and controversy makes for good space. On the other hand, she's still losing the delegate race and the popular vote race and even if she counts Florida she's not ahead, soo... Now, if he loses NC and Indiana, then he's fucked.