This looks like an attendee at my cousin's quinceniera

She needs more sparkle. Perhaps sequined Chucks?

Are those boobs airbrushed on?

She's so purty. But as BAng says, she could use some flair.

First Picture: Not smiling with her eyes! Damnit, Jaslene! Don't make me sic Tyra on you!

shiny lady needs a sandwich.

Girlfriend needs a stylist. That looks like a Senior Prom outfit a la Forever 21 + one Michael Jackson leather jacket.

Her tiny tiny wee bag is so very very WEE! Omg, what does she have in there!? Two toothpicks? A square of Chiclet gum? Two thumbtacks? The remainder of the Simpson Sisters' career!? NO ONE KNOWS.

those stairs must be a real hassle to walk down on, look at how sweaty she got!

She looks like an extra from Scarface.

She's such a pretty girl, but somehow that never really has a chance to really be seen. Case in point, the shiny. So shiny, so wrong.

I have never understood her appeal. And that dress does NOT flatter her. Come on, Jaslene, you can do better- make Tyra proud!

I can has more behbeh oil pleez?

And now the top model theme song is stuck in my head.

Na nananana Na nananana...You wanna be on top?

Join me in hell, won't you ladies?

She has that "Been Groovin' On the Dance Floor" Glow!

@ineffable.me: *snort* You're so awesome.

1. That dress does not need something "edgy" to subdue the "soft, subtle" femininity of the "slightly Southern belle feel" of the dress. Fucking put the back issues of Lucky DOWN, bitch.

2. I believe it was 2-3 years ago that the Oscars taught us to bring the side-swept barrette lower on the head, closer to behind your ear than where Miss J has hers placed. Esp. if you have thick hair, duh.

3. The clav.

4. Head-to-neck ratio. I'm sorry. I'M SORRY! I couldn't help it. It worries me. It really does.

5. The person who can write the most thorough, comprehensive list of everything she's doing WRONG make-up wise gets a prize, and by prize I mean props. SPREADSHEET!

@tscheese: if your purse is that small, then you just don't need a purse. I could carry more things by inserting them into my orifices then she can get in that purse. And bonus: you're hands-free all evening. Extra credit bonus: put your cell on vibrate.

don't you feel like at any minute she might say "I'm Cha Cha DiGregorio, and I'm the best dancer at St. Bernadette's"

That's not shine...that's the greasy fat escaping from her emaciated frame. She's discovered the much-coveted Exorcism of the Fat weight-loss method. Flee from me, damnable Fat...FLEE!!!

@katieb has landed: Oh no. With all of the na nas you just typed it got the Clarissa Explains it All theme song stuck in my head.

Re: first picture - Girl, did you forget what Miss J always says? Don't tilt your head like that, we can see right up you nose.

I am so looking forward to ANTM tonight. You know, because I didn't get enough of popularity contests where the winner is chosen on purely arbitrary means last night.

Jaslene, if you don't hire a stylist, I'm breaking up with you. This behavior is not appropriate.

@ULookinAtMyJunk is the Hate Mitigator: "With the worst reputation"

CHA CHA DIVA

Also I know I've mentioned this here before, but I am a tall tall girl with a big ass, and I actually sort of LIKE carrying tiny little purses.

Seriously, have you ever seen a lady carrying a bag that was way too small for her frame and it was kind of strange to follow it as she held it and shifted it from hand to hand? Because it kept getting overwhelmed?

Wee bags get lost against my enormous frame. And then I force passersby to inadvertently play "Where's Waldo." Rock.

@es-ki-mo: Purses this small should only be carried by toddlers, who got it on a slab of pink cardboard with a matching tutu, tiara and fairy wand.

HOT TRANNY MESS

sorry, too easy

@tscheese: this bag is too small for ALL HUMAN FRAMES.

looks like someone took a starving prisoner and shoved two scoops of ice cream under her skin.

she has pecs. pecs!

Is it just me, or does Jaslene seem to be getting WAY more coverage than any other ANTM winner? I mean, when was the last time you saw a picture of Caridee or Eva or Danielle?

@QueenOfOuch: I was wondering where those came from.

Still am, actually.

@tscheese: You bring back memories of weird things I do/did/have done and it creeps me out a little bit to realize how obessively strange/beautiful I can be. ;D

@tscheese: It's totally a sophomore year homecoming dance purse, from before you wised up junior year and figured out you needed a bigger one to stash your booze.

@BeckySharper: I saw quite a few pics of Carridee and Eva P. at various events shortly after their wins. Melrose too, with that whole Jeremy Piven thing.

@tailfeather: I stashed my booze in my stomach.

@tailfeather: Apparently no one told you about taping nips to the insides of your legs! I was such a classy Catholic school girl it hurts.

@tscheese:
1. apartment key (no keychain)
2. lipstick- MAC, baby!
3. subway token
4. ten-dollah bill folded real, real tiny
5. 1 condom, slightly expired

@Miss Smith Drank Your Vodka: Ew, I hadn't heard about Melrose and Jeremy Piven. I bet they'd be perfect for each other.

I miss Caridee, though. I saw her in some CoverGirl commercials, but that was it. I had a total girlcrush on her.

@tscheese: Katastic, probably.

Dear Jaslene,
One should not aspire to look like one of "Dancing with the Stars" professional dancers.
Love,
FF

@stacyinbean: (standing ovation)

Bag by the Tinkerbelle Costmetics collection.

@fluffybudgie: thats much nicer than the contents that i was imagining
1. credit card
2. bag of coke

Jeez, those are some bad angles. Jaslene is hands down the fugliest ANTM winner. Sorry, I'm still bitter about Claire getting eliminated.

@OhhYeah: Same difference. Ferguson!

I missed the memo that "slutty figure skating biker chick" was the hot look for Top Models everywhere.

@westvillagegirl: I was looking forward to ANTM tonight too...and then I got tickets to THE RED SOX!

Sorry, Tyra, but there's crappy-yet-expensive budwieser to be drunk. I'll see you on the DVR side.

You could place bric a brac on that shelf she calls her clavical.

2nd picture is better... but not much better.

@Triphena: DAMN YOU! I want to go to the game! And on a non-related note, how fucking nice is it out there today!

When she was crowned winner is when I quit watching. There is no way a drag queen wanna be with only on elook should have ever been crowned winner. And it would appear that she has had some work done....

Michael J Fox took this picture of Mariah Carey 3 months in the future.

TRANNY FIERCENESS!

Who keeps taking pictures of this thing? Who cares???

The purse contains all the food she's allowed to eat for the week. (I think it's pretty adorable though.)