Someone recently directed our attention to a service called "Why Was I Dissed", which claims to help achieve relationship closure by email-harassing "that guy who disappeared" into confessing the reason for his disappearance. But why torture ourselves (and "that guy") when we can learn the truth from the missives of all the Democratic voters currently clamoring for the opportunity to achieve closure from Hillary Clinton? That's right, friends, Web 2.0 has also spawned Nice Try, Give Up, a series of breakup letters by supposed ex-supporters of the junior New York senator that, taken together, provide a comprehensive list of the reasons girls get dissed, a list that any reasonably self-aware woman can probably apply to her own trampled unions and save herself the humiliation of actually having to ask.
You represented a "type" he used to like that he is now over.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the individuals in my life that bring both positive and negative energy, and I've come to the conclusion that you are one person in my circle for which it's time to let go. This wouldn't be so hard, if it wasn't for that icy glare that I can't get enough of, which actually started me on this kick for being instantly attracted to women that look like a real axe wielding bitch from a short distance, but somehow still so sexy; you know the type. I'm trying to move on from that stage, and I'm beginning with you, Mrs. Clinton.
He has been cheating on you for months and the whole relationship was perpetuated on the basis of his guilt
Dear Hil, I'm really sorry that this all had to happen this way. It's gotten all mucked up and I understand that I am partially responsible for that. I should have cut it off cleanly when I had the chance. I should have been stronger after Iowa. I should have used a much firmer tone after super Tuesday. I really should have written this letter after Barack and I won 11 states together, all in a row. But I didn't. I was a coward and for that I'm sorry. But now, Hil, come on. It's over hun. Let's not make a big scene. I'm moving on. I have to. It's not you. It really isn't. It's me. I want change Hillary. I want hope and progress. I even want inspiring speeches. All the best.
On some level, you make him cringe.
It's not you. It's me. Wait, I take that back. It's you. That empty stare. Those starched pants suits. The comic timing of a plank. Yeah, it's definitely you.
Hillary since day one you've sounded like my mom yelling at me. I'm done.
The desperation doesn't exactly help.
In the beginning things were great, really. And I know you're feeling insecure and helpless these days, but I just can't take the lies and drama anymore. I want change...new experiences...and you just can't give me what I need. Please understand. And please, Hil, stop with the 3 am phone calls, we're not 17 anymore.
Oh Hillary, what can I say? I think it's time we move on and go our separate ways. I can't take all of the crying, the overacting, the out and out lies, the drama. In the end, the times we had were never really all that great to begin with, right?
S/he is not into women. (Don't worry, it wasn't you that "turned" them gay/straight.)
I'm not trying to make excuses, but college was a drug induced blur. What I knew as a young girls coming of age "experimentation" you mistook for genuine emotion. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. I thought you knew what this was. I've moved on. I'm happy now.
listen hil...yeah, for a while there i thought that maybe i could be with a woman...but i mean i was really really drunk that night we met...and quite honestly, you just can't satisfy me like he does. i thought that maybe i was giving up on you too quickly...so i tried to make it work, i really tried baby. but in the end he's all that i can think of.
And the worst!
He's met someone else who is just better on every level; maybe you should look into that "settling" thing!
i thought this was right at first. i really did. i'd seen you around; you seemed so smart and ambitious, and i really liked that. this isn't about you, hill; it's about him. that's right - i'm switching teams, and i'm sorry, but this guy obama is making me feel things i've never felt before: hopeful, proud. please, don't keep in touch.