Readers, this campaign season we've borne witness to many things. The rebirth of the word "trollop" and Ann Coulter endorsing Hillary...Geraldine Ferrarro fell victim to racism, and now Bill Clinton telling us Obama used their vast race card conspiracy against him too; he's got memos to prove it. We've learned about Obama's brother in China and Hillary's brothers from Retardville. We've watched Hillary throw back shots like a drunk sorority girl and promise to totally obliterate Iran like a drunk frat guy. We've seen Barack Obama reference Faulkner, Marx and Jay-Z like some consciousness-raising enlightened hip-hop dude who gets laid way too often for you to trust him entirely. But readers, for six weeks we have been stuck in this state, a state so authentically lowbrow it gets away with calling its homeless shelters overnight cafes, and somehow we have yet to see a presidential candidate eat a fucking cheesesteak. So Megan and I are off to do that now (oh, yum) and vote, but not before gracing you with this morning's riveting IM exchange.
MOE: Looks like we're not the only ones who find this anti-climactic.
After the docs droned on awhile about the nuances of the candidates' health care plans, they asked for questions, and it was clear no reporters had any. I suspect nobody cared much about the stale back-and-forth on who's plan does what, and had learned that if you ask a real question about the campaign, you don't get anything like a remotely candid response.
So after a pause, the campaign took a caller who asked if Hillary had any more muffin-tops. Wolfson quickly cut that off and took a caller who identified himself as Steve from the Reading media, and asked something about "moose-knuckles."
MOE: DO I DETECT SEXIST SEXISM???
MOE: MISOGYNOUS SEXIST SEXISM????
MEGAN: Wait, are they talking about actual muffin tops? Because I could use one of those. I'm a little hungry.
MOE: I just filled my proverbial muffin top with delicious egg sandwich from a truck that is tastier than its New York counterpart (sorry, deli guys).
MEGAN: Do you think it's the eggs?
MOE: Hm! I think it's the cheese actually. It's just a slice above or some pun like that here. Okay, so ...uh...here we are. We haven't really witnessed a lot in the way of ambiance yet but we're about to go to Pat's and Geno's and my polling place and that will be fun because I just looooove leaving the house during the day not knowing where my Wi-fi signal's coming from.
MEGAN: I know, it kind of makes a blogger nervous!
MEGAN: But I've decided to pretend like it won't freak me out, and I can get some more Philly flavor, although I got plenty of that yesterday while driving around getting lost going to our interviews.
MOE: Today is a really special day because Bill Clinton said something completely false and inflammatory and Hillary said something completely obvious but inflammatory sounding and Obama said something about "fuck you I'm eating my waffle" about something and ethanol subsidies are still a terrible idea and none of the candidates are ready to say anything about that and —- oooh oooooh — there is some media speculation as to the likelihood of an Obama-Cinton dream ticket but basically no one is really dreaming about that.
MEGAN: I think people that don't actually like confrontation are still dreaming about it actually.
MEGAN: But, you know, fuck those people. And, um, where can I get a waffle? I haven't had a waffle in a year at least.
MEGAN: Sometimes, I think I might want to consider eating breakfast.
MOE: Oh and then there's that story in the Times about John McCain. You see, he is a man of great principle, but he is also a man of immense loyalty. Why do their attempts to undermine him always kind of make him look better? And curious.... is that you chatting me on G-chat whilst simultaneously chatting me on AIM? Because I'm one of those Luddites who likes to stick with a window. But I'm checking it now...
MEGAN: My question is why the FUCK did they drop that story on the day of the Pennsylvania primaries? Talk about dropping something into a black hole.
MOE: Because it's not...that...interesting? Well actually, fuck if I know. It did manage to employ the word "flotilla" and the developer's name is something rather akin to Dustin Diamond, which is funny.
MEGAN: I mean, he made the guy like $20 million on one transaction that he weighed in on. He got him extra water rights.
MEGAN: For someone that holds himself above all that, it's sketch to me.
MEGAN: OMG, a poll shows that 15% of people actually believe that Obama is Muslim. And 8 percent will admit they don't want to vote for a black person. What the fuck is wrong with people?
MEGAN: Also, those people will be screwed if McCain does get Condi to agree to be a running mate. And we'll get another 4 years (at least) of White House lesbian rumors if they win.
MEGAN: Oh, fuck, keep reading. Apparently, people in Scranton heckled his (white) campaign staff on. St. Pat's with racial slurs. I'll bet they ended in -lover. I've been called that. It's so fucked up.
MOE: I think the problem with the McCain thing is that I'm just not that impressed with $20 million made on a real estate deal through the boom years. I mean, it's just not that big a deal to me. And why does anyone think Condi is a good idea for a running mate, beyond the fact that she is prettier and younger and not as pale as the old guy? Really, she should run for third wife actually.
MEGAN: Well, except for the lesbian rumors. I actually hope he does pick her. They'll be the foreign policy ticket in an election that's becoming increasingly about domestic affairs.
MEGAN: And you rarely win races on foreign policy.
MOE: Oh a very depressing thing: the Journal ousted its managing editor, my friend Marcus Brauchli. Marcus is a hilarious and awesome guy, and this is especially distressing coming on the heels of what I thought was such an awesome development i.e. the addition of Thomas Frank to the payroll. So I emailed Marcus asking if maybe he'd like to switch places and revive The Baffler.
MEGAN: If it was a real comic book, that would be fucking cool.
MOE: Another weighty endorsement: Nixon's daughter is supporting Obama. But is Julie Nixon Eisenhower registered as a Dem? Because if not she will not be able to have the same kind of impact as all those Kennedys....
MEGAN: No kidding, if she can't vote for him, what does it matter?
MOE: Sorry, you know, I am letting the ennui get the better of me. Under normal circumstances I might get riled up somehow about Bill Clinton accusing the Obama campaign of "playing the race card" against him. Are these "memos" that prove the Obama campaign was going to use Bill Clinton's whiteness against Hillary all along going to be on TheSmokingGun later you think?
MOE: Related: who's showing early signs of dementia? Because it sounds sort of like Clinton is, but it could easily be me.
MEGAN: No, there's a memo but it's basically a round-up of racially-charged stuff the Clinton's said. I don't know how that's playing the race card.