8 Ways Jesus Would Have Been The Worst Boyfriend Ever

You know how super-Christian girls like to say "Jesus is my boyfriend"? Well, in honor of the Pope's visit we got to wondering what kind of boyfriend Jesus would be. Luckily, my friend Don is reading the Bible. (He finds this stuff interesting because he grew up atheist.) "I kinda like Jesus!" he announced yesterday. Uh-oh! "Like," he went on. "You know why you guys don't keep Kosher? Because one day Jesus just said, that's bullshit, it's not what you put in your mouth that's the problem, it's what comes out of your mouth." (Have fun with that, Don's friends who stayed vegetarian!) So basically Jesus was that guy who, when he wants to go and you're like, "okay, hold on, let me just lock my house and let the dog out," suddenly reverses course and accuses you of ruining everything and having no faith. This was far from his worst trait, however.

He was also an inveterate freeloader, and worse, sanctimonious about said freeloading, and even though his friends were all kind of varying shades of shitty people, he was the ultimate "Bros Before Hoes" type. Probably because the only girls he hung out with were whores. Herewith, Don's guide to why you should let your dude friends read The Game instead.

What Did Jesus Do? (So You Can Do What Was Did)

Ten and six months ago, I eschewed the books I was unwittingly reading to impress women, and picked up the King James version of the Holy Bible (the most popular remix in America). I'm left with at least two certainties: Christians do not read this book, and Jesus was a total asshole. I really like the guy. He's the avatar of the "Fuck that noise" godhead. He's in his early thirties, broke, down for hanging out, and not really looking for a relationship at the moment. He's simultaneously what I am and what I hope to be. Here are a few things Jesus taught me, that you can use against the WWJDers. Fuck what He would do. This is what He did.


Don't Be a Good Person (Matthew 19:17)

Jesus wasn't a good man. He told you he wasn't a good person. The only good comes from God. You folks of little faith are pretty fucking stupid when it comes to consubstantiality. Would a good person go shit-house crazy in a church (den of thieves or not)? Would a good person try to renegotiate his contract the day before a big project was due (...if it is possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt)? No, that person is an asshole. He's also your Lord. Start small by asking your boss if you can miss an important deadline. Then head over to your nearest church and replenish your Nalgene with holy water. It's what He commands you to do.


Hang Out in Bars (Matthew 9:9 - 17) (Luke 7:34)

Jesus rolled deep with publicans, harlots and sinners (I'm looking at you, Matthew), and spent a lot of time eating well and getting sloshed. He got a lot of shit for it. It was as it is now; Pharisees get mad. But don't think you can appease Pharisees (and WWJDers) by abstaining from drink. John the Baptist, the ultimate straight-edge kid (i.e. another total asshole), was thought to be possessed by a devil. So you can live sober and wind up with your head on a plate or order another pint. And yet, for some reason, people don't trust drunk assholes. Jesus was just trying to save those that needed saving, which is the best excuse for getting large before noon.


Befriend Douchebags (any gospel)

Your friends should not be trustworthy. Such people are boring, and cannot be saved. Surround yourself with publicans, sinners and harlots (this is not hard and has most certainly already been established). You might also want to find a few fishermen. Especially a fisherman with a boat, a sweet boat with a decent sound system. Now you're ready to party. Of course, you might not trust your friends. Don't worry, they don't trust you either! You need at least one friend that would stab you in the face for ten bucks. It's probably the guy who's fond of PDAs. Then, pick your friend who is the rock of your crew. The kind of guy you can build your teachings on. He's also the friend who stays in the bar when you're kicked out, who stays in the bar when you're kicked out, who stays in the bar when you're kicked out.


Hump (Mark 14:3)

We use the term "hook-up." The Old Testament crowd would "come unto a woman and know her". Sometimes men receive "full-service massages." Jesus, the day before his imprisonment (HELLO), lets a New Testament lady "pour an ointment of spikenard on his head" and then "wash his feet". To each generation, its own idioms for wanton coitus. As shocking as it may be, Jesus got down. Maybe he didn't try "just the tip", but he definitely received a "full-release" massage. One of his parables was about spilling seeds! Those seeds fell on the ground, the rocks, the thorn-bushes. It was all over the place. You might try to work in "anoint my head" the next time you're "showing a girl your records". Remember, even with a rub-n-tug, Jesus performed miracles, as he didn't have to pay a Cesarean dime for these services.


Never Get Married (Matthew 22:29)

Husband and wives don't count. All hell breaks loose on Earth and you think you have time (or the concern) to find your third-wife's burial plot? If the answer is "yes" - you have some serious issues with closure. And you probably never read Night by Eli Wiesel. And speaking of wife-collecting, there's none of that twice-married bullshit. You're an adulterer after the first marriage (and I hope you were before). You fucked up once, you think it's going to work again? Let's focus on the crux of the previous sentence: you fucked up. Do I sound like an unyielding asshole? It's the Christ talking.


Abandon Your Children (Matthew 19:29)

Leave your kids. Do it now. They're young, they'll forget you. And dis your mom, dad, wife, husband, brother, sister, etc. You can't keep in touch with all those d-bags on Facebook either. Remember, that's what Jesus would really do. Save the anniversaries and sixth birthdays for those that worship Milquetoast. Here's a hint: it's a lot easier if you're not in a relationship. And never have kids. Besides, anyone that hangs out with you is your mom and brother and sister (Mark 3:35). See, familial relations are almost as bullshit as marriage. Genetics are cool, but wouldn't you rather have a family of people who believe everything you believe in? Scratch that - a family who believes everything you tell them!


Never Buy a House / Don't Go to Funerals (Luke 9:57 - 61)

Bought a house? Nice going, fuck-stick! Houses are for regs. Do like Jesus and don't worry about where you'll stay. Foxes have holes (that's what she said!) and birds have nests. Only regs have mortgages. Foreclose that shit and start hanging out. By this time you should have a few douchebags following you around that have a sofa, or a tub, or 6' x 2' in floor space in the kitchen. Oh yeah, that whole "Dad funeral" you've been talking about. That one you wanted to go to before you started hanging-out in the bar. Skip it. Let the dead bury the dead, which is something I saw in a sweet horror movie once. Funerals are holes for people, and only foxes have holes (that's what she said, again!). And houses are nests. Only pregnant ladies nest. And no one is really that kinky in your crew (you think).


Freeload (read any gospel)

Stop looking for "sales" or "deals". If you can't get it for free, you're not getting it. Think of it this way: We all love HD flat-screens, but the bars have them on for FREE. If you buy one of those bad boys, you're going to need a nest and an electric bill. And then you start hanging out in your nest and then you want a hole. TVs will fuck you up. So will girlfriends. And car leases. And Macy's. And ACME. All of these things prevent the devout from hanging out in bars and humping and dissing family members and being totally rad assholes. What did Christ pay for? Nothing. He got free ladies, free donkeys, free hotel rooms, free drank, free fish and free bread. Behold, the Son of Swag.


Fuck 'Em If They Can't Take a Joke (Luke 9:5)

So you got a crew and you're well drunk. It's time to start mouthing off. Actually, it's time to send your friends out to talk to a few folks (and maybe get some free shit from them). When Jesus was sending out his disciples to preach the Word, he made sure none of his boys would sweat the technique. If people don't want to hear what you have to say, get to stepping - even though it's really important and could save their eternal souls (and no, it isn't just the cocaine fueling our rants). Always start with this: What's sexier than a naked dead baby? A dead baby wearing a garter-belt. If folks don't laugh, just keep walking. Fuck them if they can't take a joke. You know what happens to people that don't accept the words of the Christ? Their homes will be worse than Sodom and Gomorrah. Pretty brutal comeback, no? But no, they deserve it. Fuck 'em if they can't take a word of God. And does not the word of God include the best joke ever (see above)?


Edit the Commandments (Matthew 19:18) (Matthew 22:37)

Jesus wasn't a big fan of the Ten Commandments. And yet, the WWJDers are still puking that old Moses shit on the lawns of courthouses and public schools. Granted, they are Christians so they never read the bible. But even a drunk humper like you knows Jesus chopped those rules down to six. I bet your kid even knows that. Maybe. Who cares? As a DWJD (Do What Jesus Did) follower, you know Six Commandments still appear a little... softig. How about Two Commandments? Can you remember two? Christ is wayyyy ahead of you, friend: "Thou shalt love the Lord they God with all they heart, and with all they soul, and with all they mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it. Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets."


Ten? No fuckwad, try two: there's only one God (it's easier that way), and treat people like the righteous asshole you know yourself to be.