"Not Even Her Milky Tits Can Hide The Fact That She's Almost The Size Of A Small Minivan"

Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. Same circus, different clowns, you guys. Getting pregnant "ruins everything," Pink is "a dude" and Katherine Heigl "needs to work on her legs. The offenders, their crimes and sentences, after the jump. (And, because someone picked on Brooke Hogan, all sentences today will be pro-wrestling moves.)

The Accused: The Superficial
The Crime: Reducing a woman to her looks; criticizing said looks.
The Evidence: "Brooke Hogan causes bewilderment in my pants. 1. Don't ever, EVER stare directly into the camera again. I'm now deaf from the ear-shattering scream of my penis. 2. You're not Kim Kardashian. If I wanted to see a dude's butt, I'd watch football - with a room full of male strippers. I don't half-ass anything. Ha! Get it? Ba doom sha! But, seriously, no one needs to see that thing. 3. Be cognizant of what words you're standing under. Particularly the letters 'T, R, A, N, S.'" Hey, I don't love Brooke Hogan. I think it's weird that she bleaches her hair to look like her mom and dad and um, her dad's new girlfriend. But it's just not fair to call her a tranny. She can't help that she inherited genes from her 6 foot 4 and 238 pound father. And there's nothing she can do about it. And being tall and broad doesn't mean you're not a woman! Heh, "broad."
The Sentence: A Powerslam by Hulk Hogan himself.

The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Crime: Again, reducing a woman to her looks; criticizing said looks. And saying that a woman looks like a man.
The Evidence: "2001's international pop sensation, Pink, was in Malibu this weekend with some dude and an unfortunate bikini. Pink is the dude in the bikini. It's hard to tell how in love with yourself you have to be to look like Pink and tattoo bows on the backs of your thighs, but I'm guessing it's a lot. Considering I'd rather have sex with an electrical fence, I'd say it's way more than the agreed upon definition of 'a lot.'" Pink can sing. Pink loves to work out and is fucking strong. Once I was on a photoshoot with Pink and she did some gymnastics on the set, including walking on her hands, and everyone's jaw dropped. Pink can kick your ass. Don't fuck with Pink.
The Sentence: Asian mist, performed by Pink herself.

The Accused: DListed
The Crime: Talking about women in filthiest terms possible.
The Evidence: "Paris is fucking gross and disgusting. The inside of Paris' stomach probably looks like a trash bag filled with cottage cheese due to all the chunky jizz she's eaten. Stupid skank! [Paris and Kim Kardashian] hate each other. Now is our chance to finally rid the world of the two biggest whores. We should have a 'whore off.' We'll stick a hard 12-inch dick in front of them and watch as they suck to the death." As noted before, it's not about defending Paris or Kim — it's about the stigma women who are free and single and maybe enjoy sex have. It's not cool when any man calls any woman a whore, unless, of course, she does collect income from performing sexual acts, in which case "hooker" seems better somehow.
The Sentence: The Boston crab.

The Accused: What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Crime: Rape joke.
The Evidence: (On an Ashlee Simpson post) "So she's pregnant. That's why the rushed wedding. Stuff like this is why you have to be careful. Always use protection, and if you're like me, always take a moment to lay the girls clothes out just as she had them on. That way you can re-dress her before she wakes up and no one is the wiser." Hahaha, fuck you.
The Sentence: Moonsault.

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Mocking a pregnant woman's size. Always a knee-slapper.
The Evidence: "Seven months ago seeing Jessica Alba suck on a lollipop would have been considered hot, but the girl just had to go and get herself knocked up and ruin everything. Not even her milky tits can hide the fact that she's almost the size of a small minivan. Anyway, feels like she's been carrying that hot body-killer around forever. When is it going to drop?" It's just not even funny. Can you believe this site considers itself "for entertainment purposes"?
The Sentence: Piledriver.
Additional Crime: Cellulite-critique.
The Evidence: "Here's Katherine Heigl wearing panties on the set of her movie The Ugly Truth, but unfortunately the real ugly truth is that she needs to work on those legs. They're looking a little Mischa Barton-like. Now ladies, save your 'that's what a woman looks like' emails. It won't fly with me. The girl smokes like a chimney and I highly doubt she spends much time at the gym, so if she's going to prance around in her panties, she better have the goods." Actresses are not anatomical models to be inspected and stamped with your approval or disapproval. A woman is not a piece of meat. Fuck! This pisses me off.
The Sentence: Doomsday Device.

Send an email to Dodai, the author of this post, at dodai@jezebel.com.

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