Obama: Gotta Get That Dirt Off Your Shoulder

Another week, another Friday Crappy Hour in which the lesser-known Crappyist Megan (of Glamocracy) is forced to beg for someone to write it with her so that she can avoid talking to herself online like she does in real life. Luckily, Spencer Ackerman (of the Washington Independent and the newly-launched Attackerman) is as big an intellectual whore as I ever was despite having never been a lobbyist. We talk about how the New Yorker loves to quote bloggers but never by name, campaign sex, how W. cock-blocked Spencer more-than-just-metaphorically in November 2000 and how the Hamas endorsement of Obama is just part of the vast right-wing conspiracy or something. Guess Obama's got some other dirt to brush off his shoulder.



MEGAN: So, do you love how you're the official go-to CH sub now? We keep thinking we ought to get a girl or something, but you're too easy.
SPENCER: it's true
you just pass me around
MEGAN: Does that make us really intellectually whore-y? Or just you?
SPENCER: wtf? i thought jezebel was against slut-shaming!
i'm gathering up my clothes and running out of this sorority house
my mascara all fucked up
i'm seeking the safe space of feministing
MEGAN:: Hey, you know, we all only fuck with other people about stuff we do ourselves and feel guilty about.
But I want my mascara back, even if it isn't waterproof.
Anyway, so, we could talk about everyone fucking on the campaign trail.
SPENCER: speaking of Feministing, can you believe that the New Yorker quoted a post Ann wrote and changed her name to "One Blogger"?
oh you want to talk to that about the NEWS
MEGAN: Oh, well, you know, it is supposed to sort of be like that. But, yeah, let's shame the New Yorker because that was a shit move.
(Says the girl who got quoted by them but not by name once already.)
SPENCER: yeah, what's next? the New Yorker hiring a snitch bitch as its Washington correspondent?
ok so: that WSJ story
MEGAN: Yeah, I just liked the story because it made us political DC types look like we actually manage to connect with one another on a human/physical level.
SPENCER: you didn't think it was ridiculous? do people not figure out that campaigns are staffed by 20-somethings, who work in a pressure cooker, for months on end, with limited contact with the outside world, and trained to think that anyone they don't work with is the enemy... and that in that environment... PEOPLE HAVE SEX WITH EACH OTHER
MEGAN: Yeah, I mean, I think you and I know that but most people see Howard Wolfson on TV in that motherfucking Norwegian sweater and think we're all nerdy and never get laid.
SPENCER: this, however, is inappropriate:

Sandra Sobieraj, Washington bureau chief for People magazine, married Frank Westfall, a Secret Service bomb technician who protected the vice president while she was covering the Gore campaign.
oh, so the other reporters aren't GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, Sandra?
MEGAN: I'll be he was totally distracted!
SPENCER: she thought the campaign bus was the bus from Speed and the secret service dude was her Keanu Reeves
MEGAN: Oh, wait, is there a rule about being a reporter? Thou must fucketh other reporters? I thought it was just bloggers who were incestuous.
SPENCER: i don't know if it's a rule
but it is a professional courtesy
speaking of
this story made me think back to MY OWN thwarted experience with campaign sex
wanna hear?
MEGAN: Yes, you've been promising to tell me this story for like 2 weeks and then you don't. Spill, mofo.
SPENCER: so it was election night 2000 and i was in austin, intrepid reporter for the rutgers university student newspaper
MEGAN: Which, your newspaper kicked the Freep's ass, a reference exclusively for SarahMC
SPENCER: the set up was that congress avenue, the main thoroughfare in the city, was cordoned off so that the hundreds of press people could set up in a giant circus tent-turned-filing station
MEGAN: Oh, fun, like you guys were the freak show. Oh, um, never mind. Like you weren't the freak show.
SPENCER: really a great carnival: i was 20 yrs old, so mark mazzetti — then a cub reporter for the economist, now the NYT's inteligence correspondent — bought me my beer; i met willie nelson back when he was a bush supporter —
and then i start talking to this sweetheart doe-eyed strawberry blonde who says she's from the daily oklahoman
has this heart-melting accent
there's some giggling
MEGAN: Have a thing for the red-heads and strawberry blondes, do we?
Oh, God, Spencer, giggling?
Really?
SPENCER: some hairtossing, some smiling
have to understand, i'm a new york jew who hadn't traveled as of this point in my life
and she was like, 'you're so odd and exotic, i love your jewwy ways!'
MEGAN: Girls like that exist. Women is taking it too far.
SPENCER: so anyway it's 2 am and we don't know who's president
but i keep running back into the tent like a pro to write some plug-in grafs, thereby allowing me to cobble the story together in a hurry once we have some certainty, so i can attend to this okie chick
she is like, 'it's cold out here' when we're waiting for a bush video conference
fox calls florida for bush, there's yelling
i rush inside to get her jacket for her
come up behind her, put the jacket over her shoulders
MEGAN: Is that code for "trying to get into her pants?"
SPENCER: she says 'ee-yooo are suhhhhch a DOLL...'
and i'm like, this shit is HAPPENING
then THREE HOURS PASS and we dont have a president
the Casey brother who ran Gore's campaign says it's not over, it starts raining, i file my story at like 5 45
MEGAN: Aw, and she probably got sleepy.
SPENCER: so the moral of the story: lots of reporters hate bush because he sank our nation into new depths of depravity, venality, corruption, danger and disaster
I HATE HIM BECAUSE HE COCK-BLOCKED ME
and the okie girl probably ended up fucking some secret service guy
MEGAN: Dude, that is harsh. When else are you going to get to fuck a cute strawberry blonde with a bit of a drawl?
Well, ok, now we could also talk about Hamas endorsing Obama, what wiht you being all full of national security expertise goodness...
SPENCER: i am now convinced hamas is a tool of the GOP
look, this follows the strategy that bin laden demonstrated in 2004
you want the US to descend into right-wing insanity, because then it'll counterproductively lash out and kill muslims, thereby radicalizing millions more to your side
MEGAN: Also, it's probably good for fundraising.
SPENCER: so you go out and (in UBL's case) denounce bush the weekend before the election or (in Hamas's case) praise the Democrat
MEGAN: Like Hillary being the nominee is for the GOP
SPENCER: hahahahaha exactly!
and then the country figures that if the muslim is pro-obama (probama?) we'd better vote for mccain
so ask yourself: DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE A TOOL OF THE HOMICIDE BOMBERS?
MEGAN: Well, Obama is a Muslim, right? His middle name's Hussein, right?
SPENCER: really? i hadn't heard
MEGAN: I mean, this is what Fox News keeps telling me OVER and OVER again, and they're Fair & Balanced.
SPENCER: well
bill o'reilly does enjoy his falafel
MEGAN: Ew, gross. Now I have to go wash my brain with bleach thinking about that again.