This Week In Tabloids: TomKat Split; Ashlee Simpson's Engaged & Pregnant; Mariah Carey Is Slim

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we search for actual gossip in the celebrity weekly magazines. This week, there are two covers devoted to the demise of Katie Holmes' marriage; one featuring Miss Britney Spears; one packed with pregnant chicks and one celebrating super svelte Mariah Carey. A gossip column swears that Tom and Katie are living apart because their home is being renovated; the rags are calling it a "trial separation." With the assistance of intrepid Intern Sharon, we shovel the shit excreted by OK!, Us, In Touch, Life & Style and Star, after the jump.

This Week In Tabloids: TomKat Split; Ashlee Simpson's Engaged & Pregnant; Mariah Carey Is Slim

OK!
"I Will Get My Boys Back." Britney is getting better, wants her kids back, will show up for court when she's supposed to, etc. She and Kevin want to have a relationship like Demi and Bruce — civil. Also inside: Miley Cyrus is going to be writing her autobiography. OK!'s most eligible single people include Cameron Diaz, Gossip Girl's Chace Crawford and um, Whitney Houston. Also: Ashlee Simpson is engaged and pregnant.
Grade: F (elephant turd)

This Week In Tabloids: TomKat Split; Ashlee Simpson's Engaged & Pregnant; Mariah Carey Is Slim

Life & Style
"Pregancy Diaries." Ashlee Simpson is engaged and pregnant. She's religious, so she wanted to be married before bringing a child into the world, blah blah blah. Also inside: the headline "Angelina is bigger than ever." She is having twins, isn't she? "Jamie Lynn's Struggling On Her Own" because everyone in her family is helping Britney — JLS spends lots of nights at fiancé Casey's house. Moving on: Kevin was dropping off the kids on April 8 and Britney kissed him in front of the kids. Will they get back together?
Grade: D- (pig feces)

This Week In Tabloids: TomKat Split; Ashlee Simpson's Engaged & Pregnant; Mariah Carey Is Slim

Us
"How I Lost 20 Lbs." When Mariah Carey showed off her new super fit 5'9" inch shape to an Us reporter, she was wearing black skinny jeans that were size 0 but "they're stretchy," she explains. Mariah slimmed down in part because Vogue Editor At Large André Leon Talley told her to. "He said, 'Darling you've got to lose some weight,'" Mariah claims. Her new diet bans butter, uses very little oil and prescribes drinking up to 3 liters of water a day. Moving on: 52% of readers think Tori Spelling should not be posing in a bandeau bikini while pregnant (See Fig. 1). Angelina makes hotel and restaurant reservations under the name Shiloh Baptist. Ashlee Simpson is engaged and pregnant. Heidi Klum is Us's Style Icon Of The Year. The magazine's Celebrity Designer Of The Year is Lauren Conrad, which is surely a sign of the apocalypse. Madonna wrote the captions for a photo-driven story called "My Worst Outfit." On the image of herself and Michael Jackson wearing white glittery ensembles on the way to an Oscar party in 1991, she wrote: "I don't know what to say. It's shocking."
Grade: D (bull shit)

This Week In Tabloids: TomKat Split; Ashlee Simpson's Engaged & Pregnant; Mariah Carey Is Slim

In Touch
"It's Over." Katie Holmes wants her life back. Her career's been crappy since she married Tom Cruise and she wants to be in a Broadway play to prove that she can act. She's been hanging out with Dawson's Creek buddy Michelle Williams to remember happier days. Also inside: Benji Madden plans to marry Paris Hilton. Sigh. Brad Pitt is gaining sympathy weight from eating alongside pregnant Angelina: He'll order a pizza for the kids and one for himself. Plus: Heidi Montag says, "Butt implants are the new thing, so Kim Kardashian, watch out!" Heidi's friend explains, "She doesn't want to have plastic surgery, but she may have no choice. It's not the easy way out, it's more like her last resort." Hahahahahaha, just let that marinate in your brain for a while before it explodes. Ashlee Simpson is engaged and pregnant. Jamie Lynn Spears and fiancé Casey wrote on the walls of BJ's Seafood in Liberty, Mississippi. The message reads: Casey ♥ Jamie. Kathy Griffin went shopping with Adnan Ghalib and he took a "astonishing number of calls" from someone whose "name rhymes with Prlitney Splears." The List this week is "Their Bodies Look Better Than Ever." Before and after pictures of Mariah Carey, Hilary Duff, and Whitney Houston (who looks the same).
Grade: D (cat crap)

This Week In Tabloids: TomKat Split; Ashlee Simpson's Engaged & Pregnant; Mariah Carey Is Slim

Star
"Fight For Suri." Apparently there is some kind of trial separation going on between Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise: She dreams of moving to New York, renting an apartment overlooking Central Park and being in a Broadway play; he wants her to be a good Scientology wife. Moving on: Alicia Keys will marry her boyfriend Kerry "Krucial" Brothers on July 4 in New York. Congrats! Rumer Willis is now dating Diana Ross's son Evan. Kirsten Dunst is out of rehab and went on a date with Ryan Gosling but he just likes her as a friend. Nicole Richie is preparing for Joel Madden to come back from his tour by ordering bras and thongs from Agent Provocateur. She's also moving the baby into the nursery so the bedroom can be sexy again. Heidi Montag claims the world only knows a fraction of the truth about Lauren Conrad and "if fans knew what she was like, they'd be shocked." Spencer Pratt says, "I'm getting paid to be the villain. I go along with it. I know I look like a jerk on the show, but that's the way it is. One day the world will find out that Lauren is the bigger jerk." Plus: Jessica Simpson was in the hospital for a kidney infection, bladder infection and urinary tract infection and a source says it's partly because she's been "drinking an obscene amount of alcohol." Also, she was three weeks late with her period and convinced she was knocked up so she asked hospital staff for a pregnancy test. When Kevin and Britney kissed last week, he said,"Should we be doing this in front of the kids?" Britney replied, "We're the parents, so why not?" A six-page photo story called "I Was An Ugly Duckling" includes pictures of Gwen Stefani, Eva Longoria and America Ferrera when they were kids.
Grade: D (doggie droppings)
Fig. 1

This Week In Tabloids: TomKat Split; Ashlee Simpson's Engaged & Pregnant; Mariah Carey Is Slim