Happy Tax Day, Jezebels! God it is depressing today. We decided to read that lengthy Atlantic piece about Bill Cosby's haterist theories and got depressed about Bill Cosby being depressed about black people. Then we got depressed that the story devoted all of a sentence to allegations Bill Cosby had sexually assaulted 13 women. We got depressed about the food shortages and the kids for whom the only honest job in town is at a Foot Locker that's about to close and the Italians but then we found a passage from Obama's first book about hanging out with his Jarvis Cocker college crew rolling cigarettes and being alienated and Marxist and somehow that made it all okay again, probably because we are still self-absorbed assholes in arrested development who don't actually have problems beyond figuring out where the fuck we put our W-2s when we were drunk. Myself, Glamocracy's Megan, Cindy McCain's plagiarized recipes and so much more after the jump.
MEGAN: I have decided that CNN's morning show has become The Today Show and can't watch it anymore despite the hotness of Sanjay Gupta. MSNBC is my only alternative despite Joe Scarborough's dickishness (today: he's going to buy a Tahoe hybrid, which gets shittier gas mileage than my 8 year old Corolla but the Tahoe is biiiiiig unlike his dick) but since I'm apparently being a dick today it's working for me. Sort of. I wish I hadn't given my collection of stress balls to that guy I was dating last year when he was quitting smoking because I could now be throwing them at the TV.
MOE: I haven't watched TV or really slept very much in a very, very long time. I'm a total shutin, trying to write prettily the tale of antibiotic resistant bacteria for this epic piece I can't seem to finish even as I'm sort of fascinated by microbiology.
MEGAN: You know what's fucked? My parents' neighbor's daughter, who is 3 or 4 years younger than me, has had a drug resistant flesh-eating staph infection for the last 6 months.
MOE: I guess I should at the very least read Drudge, or this is going to be one of those things where it's like "oh, Moe's gotten REALLLY stupid hasn't she."
MEGAN: She's been in and out of the hospital and they're only now maybe kind of sure she won't lose her arm and she's like 25.
MEGAN: Nah, actually, reading Drudge will make you stupid, I think. The Pope is here! Obama's not hope-y! Clinton's on the attack! And McCain isn't that bad!
MOE: It's the affliction of our thoughtless Cold War antibiotics policies. We've given the bacteria all these opportunities to create these radicalized master races with our indiscriminate use of antibiotics.
MEGAN: Got a cold? Have some antibiotics! Got an ear infection perhaps? Enjoy! Yummy amoxicilin!
MOE: Whenever you take 3 days worth of amoxicillin to kill a cold that you thought was maybe a sinus infection, you're funding terrorism.
MOE: Or like, eating meat.
MEGAN: Yeah, beef. Damn beef.
MEGAN: Corn fed beef that's spent its life as a cow crapping all over and being crapped on by other cows necessitating a constant stream of antibiotics to keep them from getting sick before slaughter because, really, it takes a really special slaughterhouse to still slaughter a downer cow and feed it to the populace and the USDA is getting so mean about that these days. What? It's not like we've got BSE in this country. Or, um, but we totally got it from Canada! Only when we didn't! Whatever, everyone should take our meat anyway.
MOE: OMG Cindy McCain is totally the next coming of Jessica Seinfeld. And they use them in pork and chickens too. It's not so much to resist infection (because um, duh, when you feed cows a constant supply of antibiotics it's not going to really do anything about the infections after awhile) but to fatten them up faster. They grow like 12% faster for some reason. I think it has to do with the gut flora but I don't really know.
MOE: I love this:
This past Sunday, Lauren Handel, an eagle-eyed attorney from New York, was searching for a specific recipe from Giada DeLaurentis, a chef on the Food Network. Yet whenever she Googled the different ingredients in the recipe, the oddest thing happened: not only did the Food Network's site come up, as expected, but so did John McCain's campaign site.
Lauren Handel, you are an upstanding citizen!
MEGAN: I feel like Cindy could've gotten away with the pasta dish because it's so simple, but who the fuck has a "family recipe" for Ahi Tuna with Napa cabbage slaw? From Colorado?
MOE: Okay so the pope comes today and I wanted to point out, because I forgot this yesterday, that this New York Times interview with 25 Catholics in five cities across the country about what Catholics wanted the Pope to talk about had nary an utterance of the word abortion, and the two or three references to the gays all seemed to be like "we have to be more inclusive towards the gays." Which, uh, yeah right. But it was fascinating to me, because, you know, did they curate them? Or do 25 out of 25 urban catholics agree that they can shut up about abortion already?
MEGAN: I think Catholics just want the Pope to shut up about abortion and birth control. I'm pretty sure my mom does.
MOE: Oh man the brainwashed wives of Pervy Day Saints are "speaking out" about the breakups of their families. Sigh.
MEGAN: Yeah, I saw that yesterday. Old men fucking their 12-year-old daughters? Totes fine. Cops talking to them about it? Baaaad.
MEGAN: But MSNBC yesterday had an interview with a former sect member who was all, hey, that bitch you're showing crying about her kids? Yeah, she used to beat mine.
MOE: Bob Herbert re bittergate:
But there is something perverse in the effort to portray Senator Obama — who has tried hard to promote a message of unity and healing — as some kind of divisive figure.
Oh yeah and I guess Lieberman says it's a good question to ask whether Obama is a Marxist.
MOE: And here we have your answer, Joementum! Courtesy the digital edition of Dreams of My Father...
MEGAN: Oh, and that's the official Fox News refrain, by the way. He's a Marxist... Marxist... Marxist... Marxist. I heard it 5 times an hour at least yesterday. But there's no echo chamber there.
To avoid being mistaken for a sellout, I chose my friends carefully. The more politically active black students. The foreign students. The Chicanos. The Marxit professors and structural feminists and punk-rock performance poets. We smoked cigarettes and wore leather jackets. At night, in the dorms, we discussed neocolonialism, Franz Fanon, Eurocentrism, and patriarchy. When we ground out our cigarettes in the hallway carpet or set our stereos so loud that the walls began to shake, we were resisting bourgeois society's stifling constraints. We weren't indifferent or careless or insecure. We were alienated.
MOE: OMG IT'S THE SMOKING GUN RIGHT????
MEGAN: Gosh, Harvard must have been sooo cognitively dissonant. He was friends with feminists! And punks!
MOE: Oh and speaking of great literature, just two more years for the Rumsfeld memoir!
MOE: Oh that was at Columbia btw.
MEGAN: Oh, yes, that bastion of anti-bourgeois sentiment.
MOE: Italy elected that Berlusconi guy. I didn't really realize he'd left but actually now that I am reading about it yeah Romano Prodi got defeated. They are suffering from zero economic growth so apparently there is dissatisfaction. Oh boo hoo Italians, you get paid in Euros and you get to live in Italy.
MEGAN: With a bunch of pasta and good wine and you somehow they never get really fat and all women are sexy.
MOE: Love it:
"The rest of Europe will just roll its eyes, sigh and say, 'Here we go again,' but there's nothing they can do about it," said John Harper, a professor of political science at the Bologna branch of Johns Hopkins University.
MEGAN: Also, Berlusconi sucks. He sucks a lot. He's a corrupt, sexist pig.
MEGAN: But, apparently, in Italy that's sort of okay which is why he got re-elected.
MOE: Ohkay, Geoff Davis. Nasty racist congressman refers to Obama as snake oil salesman, was less impressed with this World of Warcraft game than he was with his bowling score!
He said in his remarks at the GOP dinner that he also recently participated in a "highly classified, national security simulation" with Obama.
"I'm going to tell you something: That boy's finger does not need to be on the button," Davis said. "He could not make a decision in that simulation that related to a nuclear threat to this country."
MEGAN: Yeah, by the way, here's the website for the guy running against Davis in the fall as a sacrificial lamb.
MOE: McCain is going to talk about the economy today and how Wall Street is greedy and he wants to cut taxes for businesses and capital gains. No more balanced budget by 2012 promise. Great.
MEGAN: Um, wait, please explain. So, Wall Street is greedy, so they should pay lower taxes on gains made on Wall Street? Does not compute.
MEGAN: Oh, for Chrissakes. He's talking about creating YET ANOTHER alternative tax system. Because, really, the problem isn't that the current system is too complex or anything which results in one's actual tax rate being significantly different from the supposed tax rate.
MEGAN: And he's going to cut the corporate tax rate by 10% but no word on whether he'll eliminate credits which makes the rate companies actually pay lower than the real rate, either.
MOE: Dude, honestly, I want Huckabee's tax plan. Especially today. Speaking of Obama and Marxism his father wrote an economic policy paper for some scholarly journal and it contains the words "socialism" AND "communism," which is truly blasphemous.
MEGAN: OMG, thou must not speaketh the evil words!
MEGAN: Also, I love that this is the overarching analysis of the paper's prescience:
We had high economic growth for years, but never solved the problems of poverty, unemployment and unequal income distribution. And those problems are still there
But he's actually talking about Kenya, not the U.S.
MOE: Well, it's really hard to achieve high economic growth without fostering income inequality. That's sort of the problem with high economic growth. And...speaking of blaspheme did you read that Atlantic story about Bill Cosby?
Behind the scenes, Cosby hired the Harvard psychiatrist Alvin Poussaint to make sure that the show never trafficked in stereotypes and that it depicted blacks in a dignified light. Picking up Cosby's fixation on education, Poussaint had writers insert references to black schools. "If the script mentioned Oberlin, Texas Tech, or Yale, we'd circle it and tell them to mention a black college," Poussaint told me in a phone interview last year. "I remember going to work the next day and white people saying, 'What's the school called Morehouse?'" In 1985, Cosby riled NBC by placing an anti-apartheid sign in his Huxtable son's bedroom. The network wanted no part of the debate. "There may be two sides to apartheid in Archie Bunker's house," the Toronto Star quoted Cosby as saying. "But it's impossible that the Huxtables would be on any side but one. That sign will stay on that door. And I've told NBC that if they still want it down, or if they try to edit it out, there will be no show." The sign stayed.
MEGAN: That's kind of awesome. I mean, wtf is with NBC being like, OMG, it might be bad to be against apartheid?
MOE: Well, since then, you know, he's become kind of the Cedric character in Barbershop. In Philadelphia we did a lot of stories about all the charges that he'd had a big problem groping and dateraping women or something. There do not seem to be mentions of those in this story, which depicts him as a well-intentioned hater.
MEGAN: Yeah, whatever happened with that? Those were some vicious stories.
MEGAN: Also, I love how the death of his son isn't presented at all as a potential reason for the change in his public demeanor.
MOE: 13 women is a lot to ignore.
MEGAN: And, yet, somehow The Atlantic Ta-Nehisi Coates manage to do so. Strange that.
MEGAN: Oh, um, maybe not that strange. Ta-Nehisis is a dude. Married to a woman named Kenyatta, to bring it back to Obama's father's critique.
MOE: And yes, I think that would make you a candidate for the "bitter" category. To be honest, everyone in this damn country needs to grow the fuck up, stop spending so much money, stop watching reality TV, invest in an Economist subscription, learn a foreign language, and help others now and again.
MEGAN: But The Deadliest Catch's new season premieres tonight on the Discovery Channel! That doesn't count as "reality" TV right?