In Tough Economic Times, Bankers Long For "Intimacy" With Their Happy Endings

I'm gonna sound like a cranky old curmudgeon here, but would it kill some of you service industry types out there to smile once in awhile? As long as we're engaging in this commercial transaction with one another, would it be so hard to pretend to heed the fact that there's a fellow human on the other end of it, and at the end of the day we're both just hustling to compete in this rat race? Why does the guy who cuts my turkey at the deli know my name and smile with something that might mean actual genuineness every day I walk through the door, and yet you, the girl who is supposed to be spending a full hour every week in the presence of my naked cock, waste the first five minutes calling in my credit card and avoiding eye contact? I know a lot of rackets in this country can get away without offering that "personal touch," but baby, you're in the personal touch business! Five more things we can learn from the hardworking clients of Asian massage parlors like 36-year-old family man and Wall Street lawyer Skip, who has been fucking the same masseuses for two years and could use a little human kindness, from Page Six Magazine's definitive guide to Wall Street massage enthusiasts, after the jump:

Asian massage artists are not always Asian!

"I don't have time for a relationship right now...I like the Russian girls who barely speak English, and the cute Asian girls who giggle a lot. My job is so demanding and consuming that this is the only thing I do that completely relaxes me," says Princeton graduate Steven, 28.

Massage parlors are the new strip clubs!

Kevin, 29, a single NYSE trader, says that "a lot of traders go to these places. Massage parlors are the new strip clubs. Just last week, a bunch of us from work went to one for a bachelor party — in separate rooms of course. It's an alternative to a trip club, where you go and jut get frustrated. For the same amount of money, you can get some action."

Yes, massage parlor membership has its privileges, and if you keep coming back you can get serviced like a real-life john.

"Once you go a couple of times and become a regular, you can get whatever you want." A one-hour "bodywork" session starts with the guy removing all his clothes and taking a shower. ("This guarantees you're not a cop," Skip says.) This takes up the first 10 minutes. Then you give the girl cash, "usually $100," he says. "They'll also take credit cards but that eats up another five minutes" of the hour the customer is paying for. Then he gets a full body massage for another 20 minutes. While getting a "handy," Skip says, "you are allowed to touch the girl. If you want oral sex, you have to pay her another $50. If you want a "half and half" [oral sex plus intercourse], that's another $50.

Appearance-wise, massage artisans generally rank a "six or a seven."

Although the majority of these places boast "exotic massges by Japanese models," Steven says that "90 percent of them are run by Koreans" and admits that most of the girls are not exactly "model material." (Rather, he would rate the average massage girl as a "six or a seven.")

But don't be fooled; at the end of the ending, masseuses are really money grubbing whores like all women

"The only thing I hate about these places," he adds, "is that when you're done the girls shuffle you out real fast, like, 'Next'?"

Related: I Did It For Science: Happy Ending [Nerve]

I Want A...Happy Ending [Time Out New York]