Jezebel
Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. There was sooooo much bullshit this week, including a lovely diatribe about feminists by your friend Drunken Stepfather. Also! Pregnant women are "monsters," Sharon Stone "looks her age," Jennifer Love Hewitt has a "big ass" and so much more. Another great week of "writing" on the internet! The offenders, their crimes and sentences, after the jump.
The Accused: CelebNewsWire
The Crime: Reduction of a woman to her genitalia.
The Evidence: "Sore-Riddled Vagina Seeks Spotty Pussy," reads the headline of a story about Paris Hilton wanting a cheetah. Listen, yeah, it's Paris, but seriously. The story could be reported in a funny, non-misogynistic, non-offensive way. Calling her a "vagina" and labeling it "news" is despicable.
The Sentence: Mauling by Cheetah.
The Accused: Egotastic
The Crime: Dwelling on armpit hair.
The Evidence: "I also happened to notice that in this scene from The Tracey Fragments, in which Ellen Page is topless, and flashing her ass, her armpits are totally unshaven. Now, this could just mean that Ellen Page has different views on hygiene, but when you're a big-time Hollywood star, not shaving your armpits is a pretty big statement." Yawn. Females have armpit hair. And leg hair. And, gasp! Pubic hair. Who the fuck cares.
The Sentence: 90 days of hypertrichosis.
The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Unnecessary attention to cellulite.
The Evidence: "Mushy Gets Mushy: How can such a skinny girl have so much cellulite???? Drunk-driver Mushy Fartone celebrates avoiding a jail sentence by indulging in some shopping in Los Angeles on Tuesday. Unfortunately for her, she flashed a little more than she should have to the paparazzi. Be careful Msicha, you've got the fat genes in your family. Mommy's a hefty gal, and it looks like you will be too!" Cellulite is a naturally occurring condition that practically ALL POST-ADOLESCENT FEMALES develop. It is not related to being overweight. Genetics, gender, race and hormones affect cellulite. As long as she can use them to walk, Mischa's legs are fine. Also: Shut up.
The Sentence: Freaky Friday-style bodyswap with Manuel Uribe for 90 days.
Additional Crime: Under a photograph of Sharon Stone: "The actress, who hasn't been in a hit film in, like, forever, is finally starting to look her age. Sharon just turned 73 50. And she looks it!" Our own Maria-Mercedes asks, "Is there something wrong with looking your age?" The answer is, of course, no.
The Sentence: A hearty slap across the face from Sharon Stone, and may she have rings on.
The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Weight-mockery.
The Evidence: "Jennifer Love Hewitt's Big Ass On The Prairie: It looks like Jennifer Love Hewitt's ankle finally gave way under the pressure." Hahaha hey you guys, it's so fun to call J. Love Hewitt fat, I mean look at her neck, it's like so gigantic, and women are only as good as they look, hahahaha.
The Sentence: A reader pointed out that last week's medieval tortures did not include the Catherine Wheel, so let's use it now, shall we?
The Accused: What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Crime: Again with the mocking of pregnant women. Do these people not have mothers?
The Evidence: "Jessica Alba had her baby shower this weekend, and it served as a nice reminder that pregnancy slowly turns even the hottest chicks into monsters. We may have gone past the point of no return with this one." Why are pregnant women scary monsters? Are they creepy and gross? Does someone need some psychological help? Or a cookie?
The Sentence: Repressed memory therapy and 90 days community service rubbing the feet of pregnant women.
Drunken Stepfather Quote Of The Day:
My problem is not with women but with feminists who create Women's Studies programs in Universities and who overcompensate by denouncing their sex appeal, putting on a pair of construction boots and taking of their make-up so that they can be hard ass cunts by taking themselves too seriously and ragging on people like me in some kind of fight for women's rights and a whole down with penis mission. All this while denying that they can use their bodies and sex appeal to get ahead. I've never had issues with girls who are down to earth, know what's up and realize that suckin' dick and showing their tits will help their careers and can sit around and joke about that shit, because I don't think women have nothing to say and are useless and only good for fucking, but because I think there's a group of these lesbian manhaters than are giving good sweet girls who I like to be around a pretty bad name....
Comments
shit. dont know what happened to my comment- but what I was trying to say is- I hate Perez. We all hate Perez. you use him for gossip. Please stop.
/rant
"I've never had issues with girls who are down to earth, know what's up and realize that suckin' dick and showing their tits will help their careers and can sit around and joke about that shit,"
Well, Thank Jeebus - now I know how to get a turd's approval! Noted.
Mushy Fartone? Well, it's that kind of scintillating wit that explains being invited to the White House Press correspondents' dinner!
Hello? Stabby McStaberton? It's me!!
Drunken Stepfather will never cease to amaze me with his deep, intuitive understanding of the female mind.
Let's pool our resources and send a blow-up doll to DS, whaddya say? I already have the gift card made out in my mind: "Dear DS: Here's hoping you finally get some. <3, Fucking Dykes."
That rant reminds me of the most offensive (to me) joke i've ever heard.
Why did the feminist cross the road?
To suck my dick.
Hillarious.
Perez should take a look in the mirror before judging the body of others.
Unreal. If JLH, Jessica Alba and Mischa Barton are F-A-T, then I'm Jabba the Hut.
Honestly, the amount of FAT hate out there just staggers me. In a Daily Mail article from this morning, some posters called a very large cat "disgusting". No matter the cat is a Maine Coon, which are by nature the size of small-to-medium size dogs. How effed up is it to hate on a fat kitteh?
@TeenageGangDeb: Given that women are nothing more than sex objects anyway, it will probably be the same for him whether it's a doll or a real lady...
Ahahahaha, we give the "good sweet girls" who suck dick to get ahead a bad name! Because we get ahead without sucking dick! Which obviously seriously intimidates this poor guy.
Well, this lesbian manhater is officially leaving work for the weekend. Can't wait to get out of these work clothes and into my construction boots!
@langtry: Yeah, and everyone knows that fat kitties are the CUTEST.
where did pee hilton's hilarious mugshot "asshole, an 5'5" 500 lbs." go? that shit was hilarious and made me laugh every single time you posted it.
and my vote for most OFFENSIVE JOKE ABOUT WOMEN: a tie between the one about the woman with two black eyes, and that charming quip: why do fat girls give great head? because they have to!
Now I remember why I don't normally read this feature. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
Ugh, creep cith this Drunken dude. I'll show him a hard ass cunt.
I think it could be argued that Paris has knowingly reduced HERSELF to a vagina.
@bananastand: I know my plump kitteh Clyde, is!
I suck dick for personal enjoyment only, and I resent the implication that I should be using that skill to advance my career, asshole.
Okay, so I am by no means LittleMissPerfectGrammar, but seriously, reading this Stepfather guy's rants make my head hurt. Run-on sentence! Using "of" instead of "off"! Missing essential hyphens and commas!
And yes, I realize that is SO not the point of quoting him here, but I feel like there's only so much that can be said about his rampant misogyny and douchebaggery, and it's been said a million times before by people more clever than I.
Drunken Stepfather's dumbass rant was disturbing on all kinds of levels, but the question remains: if women can always call upon their skills for giving head in order to get ahead (hah! see what I did there), who did the successful men in this world have to blow?
Well, you know he's bitching because he knows damn well preggers Jessica Alba sex would still be the best sex of his life and he ain't gettin' any, ever, at all. He'll be stuck with some plasticine bimbo with low self-esteem.
The drunken stepfather has clearly never step foot in my women's studies class. I find that everyone tends to get all prettied up for Intro to WS to prove that "Hey! I'm a feminist but,um, I'm pretty too! Forrealz! Look, I put on eyeliner."
Is Drunken StepFather real? because I can't believe that someone would write that... for real. That's some amazing shit. I wonder what he thinks of his mother.
And Perez Hilton - when are his 15 minutes up already? Somebody should repeal the cracked version of Photoshop he's using.
I miss the 90's, when wearing "construction boots" was considered cute. Those were the days! Stepfather must have been miserable for at least 5 years!
Let's bring back the trend, shall we?
I find it ridiculously hard to believe that DS hangs out with real girls at all, let alone ones that are "down to earth, know what's up and realize that suckin' dick and showing their tits will help their careers and can sit around and joke about that shit." Unless what he means by hanging around with is watching porn on dvd, then okay.
@clitoryss: A couple commenters (including me) complained last week about the cheap shot at his weight, I think that might be why it's gone. If we make fun of Perez for being fat (and he's not even really fat) then how are we any better than him?
Ladies, DO NOT click on that Catherine Wheel link.
Trust.
Oh dear, looks like someone hurted drunken stepfather's ittle wittle feelings. Poor baby, hope he can find a nice stereotypical tomboy to wipe his tears.
With a chainsaw.
I love the fact that misogynist assholes like Drunken Stepfather are always giving pointers for boner-killer feminazis to get themselves in his good graces. As if we are all sitting around with our "down with penis" signs in our flannel shirts lamenting "Why doesn't Drunken Stepfather like me, why?!" Can someone please clue him in that NONE OF US CARE ABOUT HIS OPINION?
[www.foryoureyesonly.me.uk]
I'm so tired of people claiming all feminists to be angry, hirsute bitches stomping around in combat boots. It's as if men need to strip us of our femininity to handle the fact that we care about something other than cooking and studying Cosmo...end rant.
I will never ever ever cease to be amazed and depressed by the public delusion about cellulite. It has nothing to do with weight! It can't be (permanently) gotten rid of! Sigh.
Turns them into monsters? Well, if they're having his babies, yes, I supposed that would be about right.
Does Perez Hilton own a mirror? I don't get how he talks about other peoples' physical appearance when he looks like Shrek in a wig.
Drunken Stepfather I don't even care about anymore, because his self loathing is dripping out of every post of his I've read here. I'm sure his real life is utterly pathetic.
@CristinaS: I think it's less Photoshop and more MS Paint. You'd think with the money he's allegedly getting from blogging he would actually buy a copy of Photoshop.
@nina_valentina: I think they have to blow George W.
I'm a thin girl. I have cellulite. My former frenemy (who's since been ridden from my life), took great joy in pointing this out at every opportunity. I took it as a sign of her own body issues, but it's still fucked that I constantly tried to boost her self esteem while she tried to make me feel shitty about myself.
@TrixieBelden: And before this comment makes me sound like I think I'm all that...I may be thin, but I'm wracked with many other insecurities. No one is immune.
@SSteele:Seriously. People in crappy glass houses shouldn't throw crap...or stones...
@greensprout: My vagina is insulted to be put on par with Paris Hilton.
I don't think Jennifer Love Hewitt is fat. But honestly, I do wonder why we're all still talking about her. Slow news day, Perez? Need to beat up on the girl who's career is pretty much defunct to make you feel better about yourself? Lame.
I am still amazed and dismayed that Perez is even an entity. I love how clever his puns aren't.
The misogynistic comment about Jessica Alba was beyond the pale...
ps why do I now have to add a URL to my comment so I can have an image? I am having the same prob on Defamer
Doesn't Perez now have his own record label and twice-daily audio blog?
"I've never had issues with girls who are down to earth, know what's up and realize that suckin' dick and showing their tits will help their careers and can sit around and joke about that shit"
You know, that's funny, because I never had issues with guys who realize that sucking dick can help their careers too. Fun.
I think drunken step father is a bit obsessed with you guys. y/y?
@westvillagegirl:
agreed.
@greensprout: Well-played!
Hmmm. I like my flannel shirts, and I do appreciate a good penis, but I've no interest in a career that REQUIRES peen-sucking, thanks.
I just call DS or Dip Shit a closet case and walk away. He just needs so man-o-man lovin' and he'll calm down.
What's aggravating about Drunken Stepfather is he talks shit because he knows it's the only way to get page views.
(Didn't Slut Machine run into him in Vegas and he was totes shruggy and mealy-mouthed and afraid?)