Jezebel
Oh goody it's the Cosmo "Sexy Issue"! We've been waiting all year for Cosmo to finally address the underexplored topic of s-e-x. They address "sex" with classic Cosmo understatement, of course: "sex" appears in only six places on the cover, meaning the word "sex" itself represents a relatively restrained 7.5% of words on the cover, in much the way that you will really find the word "fuck" in no more than 10% of the words you read on the average Jezebel post. Anyway! The Sexy Issue is really a goldmine, starting with what may be the magazine's most ingenious yet use of food in a sex act — click to find out what it is! — and an engaging interview with actress Kristen Bell, who, like most other Cosmo cover subjects, stars in the television show Heroes. Click to see the May Cosmo as interpreted by "Cover Lies," in which we rewrite the mag covers to more accurately reflect the sexy content within.
Comments
Smells like sex and candy.
This may be your best cover yet.
KUDOS
why kbell? why?
I kind of love that dress.
Was she Veronica Mars or am I high?
Dave Chappelle said it best:
All a man wants is for you to 1)suck his dick, 2)play with his balls, 3)make him a sandwich and 4)not talk so damn much!
I can't be sexy unless I have sexy sex!
Also, what Cosmo doesn't advocate sticking things up his butt?
I actually LOLed at the "Grind pepper on his nose..." line. Brilliant!
I wish Kristen Bell would come sleuth/sneak/plot around my place of work, but the place would just implode and we all know the dirt anyway.
Hahahaa .... pepper in the face! Now where to hide the camera. And pepper grinder.
I skipped the pepper, and just go straight for the parmesan cheese. You should have SEEN the look on his face! I think he loved it.
Can Cover Lies be put up for Comment of the Day? Because this is priceless!
I'm having a grand ol' time trying to figure out the best way to grind pepper on a dude's nose right before he cums. I'm picturing girl on top who at the right moment busts out one of those two and a half foot long pepper mills and BAM!! Emeril that shit right up.
I would also love to know what the dude's reaction would be.
"PLUS! YOU'RE FAT! FEED HIM MINTS!" made me almost piss myself. it conjured up an image of a scary dominatrix making me feed her chihuahua altoids.
@lucyjae: Is it just me, or did they basically turn her into Kelly Ripa?
That dress makes me want to break into a song from "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat."
The sexiest things to do after sex? Besides rinsing and wiping?
Why are you looking at me like that?
we need some LOLcat caps on something.
Isn't every issue of Cosmo the "sexy" issue?
They really aren't reinventing the wheel with these stupid sex articles ...however, I am convinced that they recycle and rotate topics every two or three months. Boo! Hiss!
LOL@ "You may find they don't look fake"
And WTF "Touches he'll love you more for" Please Cosmo! Help me learn how to make my boyfriend love me more! Please!
Hilarious! I agree with ineffable, possibly the best one to date!
She's V. Mars. But that doesn't mean you aren't high.
"Grind pepper on his nose when he's about to cum" HA HA HA HA.
@dayglo: Yes, she was.
Remember those Coed Naked shirts? One time we made parody shirts that said "Coed Naked Fucking: just put your pole in the hole". I'd like to give Cosmo the same treatment.
Little touches he'll love you more for: Not stuffing pepper up his nose in bed and then laughing at him.
I think the Cosmo editors sometimes assign articles to the biggest drunkypants on staff just to see what kind of crap they come up with.
@petuniacat: they turned her into tears and sadness with a really kicky color scheme. but yeah they made her look like the ripa.
@tscheese: Can sticking things up his butt really be that naughty if it's in Cosmo?
OK- really? Pepper when he's about to come? Are we trying to have simultaneous sneezing/ orgasming? Actually don't the French say that sneezing is kinda like having an orgasm... am I just overthinking this.
On a slightly unrelated note, it is times like this that I wish I had a long term bf/ husband that would be down with me trying out these ridonkulous things, just for research's sake.
Post-sex mints? Is that like turn-down service or something?
Every time I think this can't get funnier, it does. Great job you guys.
I want to know WHAT we're supposed to be putting up his butt this time. Ice cubes? Scrunchies? Grapes? Coffee? Or is it boring ol' prostate-style fingering?
@rosalita: Well, my dear, I don't go for any of those *sniff* common foods *sniff* in my love making. I prefer shaving white truffles over his shnozz.
Feeding him mints is the sexiest thing to do after sex? I thought that not asking him to cuddle was sexy. Thanks Jezebel!
"Feed him mints" made me laugh for ten minutes. My kid thinks it's funny too, but only because I'm laughing.
"The Sexiest Things To Do After Sex"-- well, sufferin' succotash, I 'spose the sexiest thing to do after sex is have more sweaty sex. Sheesh.
Grind pepper on his nose? Are you going to pay the guy at Olive Garden w/ the giant grinder to stand at the ready? How do you tip for that?
@lastsinglestanding: Up his butt of course!
@Political Party Girl: Aren't you supposed to use the mints for something else (tee hee, naughty, I know!)
If you grind pepper on his nose and he sneezes and cums at the same time, I'm pretty sure that guarantees you'll get knocked up.
I mean just imagine how fast that shit will shoot out.
@Xavoc: Oh god, I'm just imagining the awkward lunges and false starts.
"Oh my god, I'm gonna--"
(Peppermill guy lunges forward, grinder ready)
"wait, no, right there--oh god--"
(Peppermill guy retreats, frowning)
"Oh god, right there, I'm gonna--"
(Peppermill guy lunges forward again)
The timing would be IMPOSSIBLE to get right. Also: peppermill guy in my room whilst fucking? I can't decide if I'm too kinky for that or not kinky enough.
I'm tempted to go to Barnes and Noble and read this, just for the Kristen Bell interview which i know will tell me nothing new. I'm kinda a fanboy like that.
@Xavoc: I'll bet Cosmo could tell you where to stick that giant grinder (heh heh - grind) on the next round (after you give him mints, of course).
@petuniacat: STOP PUTTING THAT SONG IN MY HEAD! The last time this happened was with that stupid werewolf movie, Blood & Chocolate.
Kristen Bell? I thought that was Reese Witherspoon....
And if you're on bottom when he comes, I don't think that pepper-trick is going to work as planned.
I look at that Kristen Bell and all it makes me do is want Sarah Michelle Gellar and Buffy back.
What does it say about me that I read my first and last Cosmo issue back in 1988?
@TwiceShy: People are wondering why I'm crying/convulsing at my desk. Thank you for that laugh!
Yeah uh, I don't have time to risk being sexy after sex. We might start sexin' all over again. And I need my sleep.
Can you imagine getting stuck in a perpetual sex cycle? It would be like a morality tale for the people over at Cosmo. You thought you wanted to be irresistible, sexy all the time. You thought wrong.
Seriously. I am intrigued. WHAT IS THE POINT of this pepper, besides making us laugh hysterically at mental images of Emeril Bam!-ing people having sex, or waiters standing by... "Freshly ground pepper, sir? Say when!"
Can someone enlighten me please. I know one of you knows something.
This is the sexiest sexy Cover Lies yet. "There = Up His Butt." Classic. Thanks, you sexy fucking dykes, this made my afternoon.
@Macloserboy: I'll stop putting it my head, but that's not gonna stop your girl from sticking a pepper grinder up your butt tonight.
@Xavoc: 20%. Maybe a bit more if he draws a smiley face after the thanks on the check.