Jezebel
Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. This week? Women are sluts, look like dudes, are probably on line for abortions and should get AIDS. Another great week of "writing" on the internet! The offenders, their crimes and sentences, after the jump.
Since it the internet is so awash in misogyny and woman-bashing that it's like we're living in the dark ages, this week all sentences will be medieval torture techniques. Fun and educational!
The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Crime: Use of the oh-so handy "slut" label.
The Evidence: "George Clooney's Girlfriend Is A Slut: One day this chick doesn't mind getting dry humped on camera, the next she's a demure flower on the red carpet. Why the sudden change? Was it true love's first kiss? Did George Clooney fill her empty heart? 'Oh, and he's really rich and famous,' Sarah Larson added. 'Don't forget rich.'" So yeah. What does it matter that Sarah Larson's been photographed Last Nights Party-style? So have lots of girls. Also, calling someone you don't know a slut on the internet is immature, stupid and makes you look like and idiot. Cut it out. Also? Women are complex. Deal with it.
The Sentence: The Judas Cradle.
The Accused: WWTDD?
The Crime: Getting on Miss England's case; calling her fat.
The Evidence: "She says, 'It's what I was born to do - posing for the camera. And as I keep saying, I love my body. People seem desperate to get me to say that I don't, that deep down I'm not happy and would rather be thin, but the fact is I wouldn't change myself at all. Do I have fat days? Of course, but what woman doesn't!' I think the difference being Chloes fat days are more commonly known as, 'Monday-Sunday.'" Miss England, Chloe Marshall, is a lot of things: Brave, confident, 5 foot 10 and recently signed to a modeling agency. She is not, however, fat.
The Sentence: Foot roasting.
The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Calling a supermodel a man.
The Evidence: "I know I rip on Gisele Bundchen a lot, but even I've got to admit she's looking pretty hot here at the launch of the Vogue Eyewear Play Everyday Campaign in that tight dress of hers. And that's hard for me to admit considering I'm not into dudes." Please, that woman does not look like a man. And this isn't even "funny."
The Sentence: The Heretic's Fork.
The Accused: Your friend, Drunken Stepfather
The Crime: Bashing Miley Cyrus (again), wishing disease on Audrina Patridge.
The Evidence: "I guess one of the good things about 15 year old girls is that they don't have cellulite like they will when they actually become women, but they are so annoying when all they want to watch is Hannah Montana reruns, especially when they are Hannah Montana... bitch is probably the next in line for an abortion at the on studio abortion clinic they are rockin' over at Disney and this bitch and her crooked smile don't have shit on the 15 year old girls I see out in clubs..."
Additional Evidence: (Audrina Patridge gets a tattoo) "The only hope we have is that the needle is tainted and she gets herself some AIDS and the good news is that she's enough of a slut to make that happen on her own, without dirty needles." You don't need me to explain why all of this is distasteful, derogatory, misogynist, degrading, demeaning and malicious. And yeah, we're going to keep writing about DS, because someone keeps paying him to post stuff like this. It's wrong, and people should know that.
The Sentence: Being flayed alive.
Comments
I have had a rough week because I feel like misogyny is at this fever pitch right now and I'm just considered this second-class human along with my sisters, even the ones who help perpetuate this ish. I don't know if the solution is to take a break from the Internet or what.
Drunken Stepfather really outdid himself this week, didn't he? Though I'd recommend he be drawn and quartered.
The flaying bit just reminded me of Buffy, season 6. I kinda dig Baddy Willow.
Are we seriously harping on a blogger calling her a slut? Because as I recall, commenters on this very site where essentially saying the same thing the other day.
She's a model, idiots. Models sometimes are paid to take sexy pictures. How that qualifies as "slut" is beyond me.
@SarahMC: dont leave us here all alone. i look forward to your posts!
i'm all for freedom of speech and opinion, but drunken stepfather needs to be EXILED and then some
@SarahMC: See Nim's Island! I'm sounding like a broken record on this, but it will restore your faith in young girls and their abilities to be awesome.
Okay, maybe this is a little overly solicitious, but re: the graphic--even though he's a hateful bastard, do we have to be the ones making fat jokes about him? 5'5", 500 is certainly effective hyperbole, but there are certainly much more pressing things to hate about Perez Hilton other than his waistline. Just like to see you ladies up there on that high road.
@tell Dolly Parton again: Girl, I know girls can be awesome!! I'm sick of the world saying otherwise, that's all.
What kind of women give these asses page views?
@foree krasinski: Whoa! Haven't seen you in a while!
@Archetype: I thought that exact thing when I read that. Oh, hypocrisy.
@Titania: I've always thought that. "Har har, Perez is fat." And that's the exact kind of joke we'd slam him for.
@Pinkosaurus: Ditto. We don't really know her sex life and therefore can never know about her "slutiness." Come to think of it, for a lot of envious people, ANY woman who dates Clooney is a "slut."
The torture devices freaked me out more than the actual posts. Ugh.
DS gets paid to write it because it gets clicks, which Jezebel assists with links and weekly publicity that are at best mostly boring to Jezebel's own readers (surely an internet awash in misogyny can do better than citing the same half-dozen sites every week) ... I would say it's the blog equivalent of leaving half-eaten food on the floor and complaining that you have roaches, except that most people don't want roaches, and at this point it seems like Jezebel craves a DS to complain about just as much as DS craves a Jezebel to serve as the "envelope" he's "pushing." Why kid us that it's some kind of ongoing moral reaction?
Ummm...but what if George Clooney's girlfriend kinda is a slut. I mean, lastnightsparty for crying out loud.
i bash miley cyrus, not misogynistically and only because those kids annoy me with her.
@SarahMC: i know. its been a busy few months. but dont you leave, girl!
@SarahMC: Hmm... listen to Peter Sagal on NPR and pretend no one else exists?
Slut or not...she sure is one lucky girl.
George Clooney's girlfriend was a major hippie jam band dork and went to Evergreen, which would be much more fun to publish on a gossip website than being a garden variety slut - everyone is at one time or another. Some friend of a friend lived with her and said all she did was suck on her bong, watch tv, and rip farts all day. That's all I can picture now when I see photos of her.
After reading some of the Jezebels' own numbers, I would hope nobody's calling a woman a slut.
I don't think it's funny to wish AIDS on anyone, but can we all agree that Audrina Patridge is kinda a waste of air and space? Pls to go back to obscurity now?
What's wrong with a slut anyway? Maybe she just likes the cock! Is that so wrong?
@myboxsmellslikebutterscotch: For serious.
@hamburgerhotdog: One of Jezebel's own ended up on that site, but she didn't look like a "slut."
I hate reading crap like this, because it starts me thinking stuff like, "Holy crap, what if these guys are just voicing what EVERY guy secretly thinks? What if every guy who's ever seen my ass and thighs has secretly been repulsed by my totally normal cellulite?!" And then it gets me feeling all insecure and shit, which is EXACTLY what these fuckers want. Fucking A man. I hate being patriarchy's little monkey.
@myboxsmellslikebutterscotch: Amen.
Okay, I didn't realize DS got paid. That is disgusting.
I don't mind you quoting him, but how about you please, please stop linking to him?
@vivresavie17: But they're only doing it because they're insecure and they want to bring everyone else down with them. They figure if they attack first, it will distract from their own small penises. Why would you let the opinions of people who are deeply and pathetically unhappy with their lives bother you? They don't matter.
Reap the rewards of the "Girl Power" movement in which dressing in sexually provocative and uncomfortable clothing and having an underweight body were recast by (male) marketers and spin doctors as "strength" and "positive female role models" and "feminism".
Now a woman with a BMI over 18, or who has normal hips/natural boobs is ugly, fat and (most importantly) unworthy of speaking to or hiring or treating like a human being for a large portion of the male population.
We've come a long way, baby???
@hamburgerhotdog:
Do you really have to say that? Seriously I hate that word. Sometimes its funny, and I think Slut Machine's name is funny, but it's not funny when it gets used like that. Because that makes it sound like its bad thing if she has slept with a lot of guys. And we don't know if she has, and it really does not matter. Sex is funtimes, and it should not be used as grounds for a putdown. And the fact is that there just is no male equivalent word. End rant.
I've said that Sarah Larson isn't good enough for my Georgie, but not that she is a slut. but, you know, that's mainly because, I'm jealous.
And can we put DS on the Judas Cradle first and then flay him?
Hi Pot? This is Kettle calling. Perez is no fatter than Miss England. Sorry, but she is overweight. Call her a "real woman with curves", she's still headed towards high blood pressure and a host of health problems. Now if you will excuse me, I need a scotch and a cigarette.
I think there's a strong contingent that favors that title, and more, with regard to Miss Larson!
@foree krasinski: Hey! You got my boyfriend's name in your screen name! No fair.
Why oh why did I click on that link about Medieval torture? Misogyny and idiocy make me as stabby as the next Jezebel, but I had so been looking forward to dinner...
I would recommend taking a break from the internet. It's bigger than all of us and it will steal your lunch at recess.
that ms england chich is fat - and that's just the truth..
@crackbabyjesus: Is this a joke?
@crackbabyjesus: Because seriously, you cannot tell me that a chunky chick (not that I think Miss England is even chunky) is headed for health problems right before you tell me that you're going to go smoke a cigarette. It doesn't work like that.
It's like, I really worry about fat people too. I worry about their health while I'm smoking a cigarette and driving my race car (without a seatbelt!) on my way to go binge drinking in a bad part of town. I worry that they are putting their health in jeopardy!
@dontbogartthewine:
I agree; though I've always been partial to "man whore," myself, just to try to even out the score between the sexes.(Although I'm sure some would say "man whore" is inappropriate because it implies that a "normal" whore is a woman, despite the fact that I don't mean it that way. Until I find something both descriptive and politically correct, I'm sticking with it.)
@fembot: For Peet's sake. I'm out.
The point is that she is flip flopping and that makes her either reformed or flighty. Who care either way because Clooney has a very strong gay vibe to him.
@freudian_slip: You posted an excellent argument against your own word choice you know. Just call them sluts and whores, adding the "man" modifier keeps us from, uh, declaiming the word. You know?
I'm enjoying the medieval torture devices. Appropriate AND educational! However, speaking of the heretic's fork...
I recently stumbled across a torture device similar to it that was used during the Suffragette movement. This band goes around the head and two spikes are inserted INTO the MOUTH keeping it open much like the heretic's fork kept the mouth closed.
@vivresavie17: Not all men think like that - that why we read Jezebel instead!