Jezebel

"Basking in the Sun: How to Care For Your Skin" should consist of one line: don't bask in the sun.

I love you for this. HILARIOUS.

Ha! I like "Hottest Summer Fashion Without Looking Like a Slut," myself.

Also, I just cringed at "Make Him Squirt (While You Do the Same).

Are these women putting themselves on the cover of Cosmo in those outfits?
I think I'm turning into a misogynist :(

Is that "heroin" "heroine" thing a typo or a weird pun?

Or "Be Confident" with the subheading "Learn to Be More Confident."

I can't see it because of partial or artistic nudity.

Ugh. Work spam-blocker.

Cover Girl 6 has some major issues with the menz.

@ineffable.me: wait no no, a cosmisogynist.

the graphic designer in me weeps gently now.

The worst about the new look involving hats is that she spelled it "invoving." And also used a LOT of ellipses, which I'm pretty sure is stylistically incorrect.

Feel Sexy
Intensely
Could UR Man Be Gay?

-----

It's like a haiku of pure idiocy.

I also really love "if guys read Cosmo they would get good abs from laughing" or something along those lines.

va-jay-jay??!!? Still? I really prefer the Pharaoh's Tomb.

@ineffable.me: God me too. I'm not a graphic designer, but please.

Yeah, as a graphic designer, I feel like I've been artistically assaulted.
Typeface hell!

Sorry, I am totally stuck on "the new look involving hats." I don't think I've ever read anything so funny. And I don't know why.

Somebody's auditioning for the next Coyote Ugly reality show!

I liked the whole "SURVEYS!
Our surveys show unknown, unbelievable facts"

Kinda like the encyclopedia.

I'm so glad I don't read Cosmo anymore...

My favorite has got to be:

BE CONFIDENT
Learn to be more confident

Brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department.

@ineffable.me: yeah, that was painful. I think they were all created in MS Paint?

I hate the word "va-jay-jay." Its not even a real word. Vagina. There, I said it.

OK, I am so upset I can't see this at work and am missing all the fun.

So apparently only 14 year olds read Cosmo, because with the exception of two to three of the covers, that's about how old these girls look.

this is 27 levels of ridiculousness. and it made my brain hurt so i can go no further.

@Archetype: i know i know...so funny

Well now I have all kinds of questions. How DOES one be spontaneous on a hang out date? And what, pray tell, is a hang out date?

Glamour Shots must have made a killing off of this shit.

Oh my heart aches for what looks to be my own damn generation. Those girls all look old enough to know how embarrassing these are.

And for that reason, I will not feel bad about how much I laughed.

@ineffable.me: Ten out of ten for that.

I love the girl who Photoshopped herself into just the kind of non-person Cosmo is looking for. Is that a reader? Kelly Clarkson? Some new starlet? Who gives a fuck, let us tell you what weird thing we want you to jerk your man off with this month.

@foree: That particular cover is so....literal...it's painful to read.

I'm surprised she doesn't have some copy that says, "Do you like boys? It's probably because you are a girl. Or a gay dude."

At least two of those girls went to Glamour Shots with the express intent of using their photos for made up Cosmo covers. The others were just not committed enough.

@hortense: I think you see a guy on the street and youre all "HEY LETS GO HANG OUT"

thats it.

"The Way In - When to Smile, When to Not"
That may be my favorite.

@funnyface: "Is that "heroin" "heroine" thing a typo or a weird pun?"

I dunno but it reminds of the movie the Commitments--"Heroine Kills"

@TriedandTrue: The way into what? a vagina?

@ineffable.me: To a man's heart, obviously.

Cosmo already used "va-jay-jay" themselves on the cover, so that reader gets zero points for creativity. Remember the Rihanna cover?

[jezebel.com]

The cosmo site makes my computer wonky, but "The new slook involving hats" totally cracked my shit up.

I like:

TIGHT
abs

I think

TIGHT
ass

might be better.

@Archetype: That's how I felt with the "bed-me eyes" line. Not really any funnier than any of the other headlines on there, but THIS is what made me burst into laughter as my boss walked into the room. It's Friday...that's all I can say...

The "when to smile, when to not," is really great too, I'd love to read that article. Is it like, "smile when you're happy, frown when you're sad." Or something more useful like, "your smile can be a powerful tool! Any time you smile at your boyfriend, he will assume he is doing something right and be happy and not work as hard to please you. Only smile at him when you think he is about to break up with you!! It'll make him reconsider his decisioN!"

@homeslice: Valley of the Kings?

How about "Grammar: When to split infinitives"

@Archetype: ooooOOOOOoooh

I first thought the line "Become a SEX-pert" actually said "Become a SEX-port"

I like mine better.

@Archetype: you are my fave today, by far!

@susie_drew: I think you mean, "When to not split infinitives."

Bummer - I just get titles - no graphics. But from what ya'll are sayin that may be a blessing.

I'm sorry...."The cowgirl way on a horse" Uh....huh? Wha?! Is that about sex? Sex with horses? What's happening?

I'm sorry, but these women are all huge morons. To wit, here are a few of their cover lines:

"Make him squirt!! while you do the same"

"Secrets out men spill about their girlfriends"

"Little mouth moves that make sex hotter"

"Your va-jay-jay: Fascinating facts about your lovely lady parts"

"Hot dates Valentines is here how to make it hot"

"Surveys! Our surveys show unknown unbelievable facts"

"have him craving your sex"

And my fave:
"Be Confident: How to be more confident" OF COURSE!!!

These women know other people can read these, right?

@ineffable.me: I was going to mention that myself.

Also, is that "Leanne T" for "tranny" 'cause she's a man, baby!

OMG!!!!! "Fell sexy intensely: Could your man be gay?"

@foree: Aw, you're going to make me blush.

@Jezebabe...is a stern and angry midget!!!!: ""Make him squirt!! while you do the same"

ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew eeeeeeew.

No wonder Cosmo can get away with their magazine covers look at this mess their "readers" think is cool.

readers is in quotes because i'm really not so sure they can.

@lucyjae: Oh my God, me too. I'm laughing so hard at these.

Boyfriend's a pretentious graphic designer. I can't send this to him for fear that his head would explode, and I can't afford our entire apartment.

@ineffable.me: seriously, hello? They know people can see these, right? How do people humiliate themselves like that. It's hilarious.

Euw. Cover Girl Number 7. Is she channelling Mariah Carey in that creepy schoolgirl video?

Now I think Jezebel needs some kind of Make-Your-Own-Ladymag-Cover contest. Mine would feature someone hugging a woman with her legs in friendship.