Oh, what? You thought just because Moe was out today there would be no Crappy Hour? Bitch, please. Despite all evidence to the contrary, "Megan" is not a figment of Moe's fevered imagination; I'm an actual person who actually writes for Glamocracy and I do not take days off because I'm broke and don't really know to "chill out." But, I did steal a page from Moe's playbook today and invited Spencer Ackerman of the Washington Independent and Too Hot for TNR — who at least a couple of you thought was cute — to join me for your reading pleasure. We talk Stabenow, Craigslist, nipples, who I should have a crush on, Hillary Clinton and, Spencer doesn't even ask me out! That's me — always second banana to Ms. Tkacik.
MEGAN: anna says you're in!
SPENCER: good morning sunshine!
SPENCER: Whoa! Conde Nast money, here I come
MEGAN: Ok, are you ready to do this thing? Despite you being a dude and everything, we have to talk about the whole Stabenow thing from a woman's perspective. He gets a beej from a Craigslist hooker and gets caught, they charge the hooker but not him and then the details come out yesterday and Senator Debbie takes the floor to talk mortgage crisis and recession instead of hiding in her office like Vitter and Larry Craig did. Is it just because she's not the tainted one? Or is it because women can carry more on their shoulders.
SPENCER: well, Mr Stabenow is this big liberal-radio dude, and i was on air america yesterday and — surprise — no one wanted to talk about What Happened
i have a lot of respect for Debbie Stabenow deciding she wasn't going to let what her husband did throw her off her game
i'm silently singing christina aguilera's 'beautiful' to myself whenever stabenow speaks from now on
but here's MY question
MEGAN: Also, CNN had the hooker's mug shot today. Skankalicious.
SPENCER: i've never used craigslist for sex, NEVER
the Detroit News piece that broke the story said that Mr Debbie told the police that he was meeting a friend from the internet
do you think that people on craigslist that are hookers SAY they're hookers? or could he have really thought he was meeting an internet liaison for IRL sex?
'liaison' s/b 'acquaintance'
MEGAN: But she listed her prices!
SPENCER: oh ok that settles that
i should stop all this 'shopping for furniture and maybe a bike' nonsense
do women use craigslist for sex?
MEGAN: Other than prostitutes?
SPENCER: it seems like it's not necessary but what do i know
yeah, other than prostitutes
MEGAN: I mean, I know women who have used it for actual dates, not that they worked out that well. Less for NSA sex, probably. It doesn't seem necessary to me either.
SPENCER: speaking of actual dates
we have to talk about this conservative women talk about dating thing that Eva Braunstein posted on J-bel yesterday
MEGAN: Yeah, actually, I sent it to her because TRex sent it to me and we had a good laugh
SPENCER: what strikes me is that the dude who wrote the intro copy keeps writing things like so-and-so "is a buddy of mine who has done a lot of dating in her life..."
that sounds a lot like winger code for MY FRIEND IS A GIANT WHORE
MEGAN: I know! He's totally calling them all sluts!
Plus the pictures he uses?
there was a period during college
where i went through a brief conservative stage
i should have just gone gay or something
and there's this thing in New York City, or at least there was, called the Fabiani Society
whereby tout NYC young conservatism assembles and chats
as you can imagine, it's a sausage party
MEGAN: Kind of like your last show!
SPENCER: come for the scotch, stay to see that fat fuck James Taranto from the Wall Street Journal edit page pass out at the table and maybe puke in a potted plant
anyway, there was a cadre of women who attended
MEGAN: But did not date James Taranto, I assume.
SPENCER:one of whom was this attractive publicist — i think? — from the manhattan institute
and this friend of mine was like desperate to fuck her
we had this conversation on the train where he was like "nipples like PENCIL ERASERS!"
that's when i decided there was no pussy in conservatism and drifted leftward
MEGAN: Really? He wanted to date her because she had pokey nipples?
SPENCER: he was a college kid and was enthralled that sometimes you can see a chick's nipples through her shirt
SPENCER: it was all very John Hughes
MEGAN: Because, despite what Tracie says, I have a ton of lined bras because of those dudes that look at my nipples and the fact that I'm usually cold and it used to make lobbying meetings really awkward.
MEGAN: LOOK HERE
SPENCER: men are just going to look at your nipples, we can't help it
you try and be discreet about it, but it's like an exclamation point on a titty
MEGAN: I know, hence, the lined bras. It's awkward when really old guys do it, especially because their reflexes aren't that great.
I can't believe you just said "ttty"
it was an ironic 'titty'
i think we've had the 'titty' vs 'boob' conversation
SPENCER: these conservative-woman bloggers: just do your thing, ladies, get your money, and realize that love and sex have little to do with ideology, life is a rich pageant
MEGAN: No, boo, let the conservative bitches keep the conservative guys from poorly kissing the rest of us.
Or talking about how they used to work for Karl Rove as though that would make anyone in the real world want to fuck them
MEGAN: Anyway, so speaking of in your face,
close ups on TV make people not like you.
You should warn producers or something now that you're all getting the TV punditry gigs
SPENCER: i can't open this, but my friend Matt Yglesias has a theory
that eventually the newschannels and the networks will all go HD
SPENCER: and then politicians will face the same impediments to success that the entertainment industry does
like imagine McCain vs Obama in HD
McCain would look like a reanimated corpse
MEGAN: Oh, God. It's too early for that shit
He already looks like a reanimated corpse.
SPENCER: and because black people have no choice but to take better care of their skin than white people, he's going to come out looking like a movie star
MEGAN: He's already swoon-able.
SPENCER: i know, i know, every woman who isn't Sinister Rouge has a crush on Obama
bama bama bama...
my crush is more professional
MEGAN: I mean, what are our other crush options?
SPENCER:: can we talk about iraq for a second?
MEGAN: Yes, please, something smart
SPENCER:: DAVID PETRAEUS. crush on petraeus
we can tie these two subjects together!
First of all, the man is like 56 and in ridiculous shape
MEGAN: So, I'm supposed to crush on Petraeus?
all the male journalists do
MEGAN: See, I have a theory on older men that I'm sticking to
If he's closer to my dad's age than mine, I can't
My dad and I are 30 years apart.
so, 14-15 years older is the outside limit
SPENCER: he was my workout coach!
MEGAN: Ok, yes, Petraeus, tell me about his body
SPENCER:: last year i was in Mosul at FOB Marez (What up Brian! Hold your head man)
and he was coming up there, as i overheard in the dining facility
so i demanded an interview
and the brigade's press flack said i could only do so if I did physical training with him
figuring i would not be so stupid as to humiliate myself like that
LITTLE DID THEY KNOW
MEGAN: Yeah, obviously they didn't know you that well.
SPENCER: so it was like 530 in the morning and he shows up in these little-ass running shorts and WEIGHT LIFTING GLOVES to do a 5 mile run
mosul that time of year is COLD and WET btw
so we ran around the base with the 30-year old company commanders and petraeus was insane — answering questions without being so much as short of breath
i dont trust my voice recorder in times like this so i was running up to him, barking questions, and writing them down in my notebook
i collapsed into the chase car and tried to rewrite my chicken scratch into something legible
MEGAN: Wait, you ran and wrote?
SPENCER:: i swear to god, i was ready to puke, plus i had just quit smoking
MEGAN: And Petraeus in short-shorts?
MEGAN: Ok, so how tight was his ass?
SPENCER: THEN we did calisthenics and THEN we did the fucking chinup bar
i was more thinking, how tight is his line that the surge will yield sustainable security improvements that will in turn yield sectarian reconciliation
MEGAN: Wow, this is sounding less like the press guy thought you wouldn't and more like he hoped you would because he was evil.
SPENCER: i'm not going to say a word about petraeus' ass, sorry, i'm supposed to interview him later and really don't want to fuck that up
anyway i couldn't do this insane chin-up-bar exercise he did
i tried to weave this into a strained metaphor about iraq
but yeah, crush on obama and petraeus
MEGAN: And did it work, Mr. Writer Guy?
SPENCER: it's like the worst piece i ever wrote
MEGAN: Ok, I'll keep that in mind.
SPENCER: plus petraeus is smart, confident, determined, and probably sensitive
MEGAN: That sucks, oh, well. I've written Crap.
Oh, sensitive? Really? I call bullshit.
SPENCER: i get the feeling that he would rub your shoulders when you've had a hard day
MEGAN: And then tell me to buck up, soldier
And go off and hang out with the boys
SPENCER: he's like the patrick swayze of iraq
MEGAN: Women don't want Swayze. They want Johnny.
SPENCER:: nah girl he's looking out for you
which johnny? johnny depp?
my mom LOVES johnny depp
MEGAN: No, Johnny the character in Dirty Dancing
SPENCER: oh i didn't see that
MEGAN: But Johnny Depp is highly fuckable.
MEGAN: Ok, well, here's some news that doesn't involve hot guys: Hillary Clinton talks a good game on her opposition to Iraq but hasn't done anything
SPENCER: yeah ok the thing about HRC
notice the line that the LAT quotes
I've been working day in and day out in the Senate to provide leadership to end this war
SPENCER:: notice that you're supposed to read that as "worked day in to end the war"
MEGAN: And that she's a leader in that effort.
SPENCER: when what she ACTUALLY says is "working day in and day out in the Senate to PROVIDE LEADERSHIP..."
which is unfalsifiable
she's very careful about what she's saying
but the broader point is that from the start, she positioned herself to run for president as either a pro-war or an anti-war candidate with the same degree of plausibility
MEGAN: Well, I think the LA Times does a pretty good job of calling into question her "leadership" on it. Two bills do not leadership make.
SPENCER: no, she's clearly not a leader on anything iraq related
the big thing she did was she forced eric edelman at the pentagon to get into a public fight about planning for withdrawal
MEGAN: Which, like everything else, is fine. She went into the Senate to effectively represent New York, which required playing nice and not using her public profile to ram stuff through or whatever.
SPENCER:: but did you see the Petraeus' hearing last year? both HRC and Obama lectured Petraeus instead of pressing him
at least McCain shilled for him!
MEGAN: Well, does anyone not just use those hearing to make their own damn speeches?
SPENCER: no, i think her war position is more calculated than that
you know what i'm looking forward to more than anything else about the fall of HRC?
SPENCER: The fall of Philippe Reines, her press flack
MEGAN: That's her Senate guy, right?
SPENCER::i have never dealt with a flack even halfway as bitch-ass as him
Hey, Phillipe — Megan, turn my mic up — YOU ARE A COCKSUCKER AND I'MMA SAY IT IN PUBLIC
MEGAN: Her staff overall is notoriously hard to deal with.
SPENCER:: and then they're like, waaaaaaaah the press is so unfair to us
MEGAN: Like, to get a meeting with a fucking legislative correspondent for 15 guys that came down from upstate New York to talk about a bill took me 3 full weeks of calling every day.
SPENCER: i don't even want to tell my HRC-Senate-staff story, it's too traumatizing
MEGAN: Because God forbid they meet with anyone who isn't going to donate.
SPENCER: how did you lobby? i couldn't have the patience
MEGAN: I drank. A lot. And then bitched about it on Wonkette.
SPENCER: so have we exhausted CH readers' patience yet?
without really talking about the news
MEGAN: Oh, totally
SPENCER: and to think i didn't get around to asking you for a date