This Week In Tabloids: Britney Is Thin, Mentally Ill, & Planning A Trip To Maui

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! This week, Britney Spears is back in the "news," landing 3 of the 5 weekly covers: On OK! she's lost 15 lbs., on Star she's plotting a trip with Kevin Federline and on Us she's living with mental illness. Busy gal! The other two covers are dedicated to superskinny Hollywood chicks who are "refusing to eat" and a "scandal" concerning Angelina Jolie that happened sixteen years ago. Intern Sharon helps us search for a caffeinated jolt of gossip in the week pages of Us, In Touch, Star, Life & Style and OK!, after the jump.

This Week In Tabloids: Britney Is Thin, Mentally Ill, & Planning A Trip To Maui

Us
"Living With Mental Illness." The paparazzi doesn't chase Britney anymore, because she's not doing fun stuff like shaving her head. These days, she stays home cleaning, writing poetry and reading the Bible. Now that the once-bubbly pop star is on Lithium, she's kind of "blurry around the edges." Sigh. Also inside: Heidi Montag is voting for John McCain because "I'm a Republican and McCain has a lot of experience," she says. Spencer warned her about making an endorsement but she says, "I don't think anyone cares who Heidi Montag is voting for." That's where you're wrong, Heidi! Lastly: Paula Abdul wants to be on Dancing With The Stars.
Grade: D- (Snickers bar latte)

This Week In Tabloids: Britney Is Thin, Mentally Ill, & Planning A Trip To Maui

OK!
"Britney Lost 15 Lbs In Just 4 Weeks." How did Britney drop the weight? She stopped eating junk food, chose red wine instead of margaritas and ate five protein-packed meals a day. Fascinating. Also inside: One of the prop guys on the set of Demi Moore's film Flawless pranked her, so Ashton Kutcher got back at the dude by putting cheese in the zippered pockets of his jacket, which was then in his locker for a few days. Stinky! Jamie Lynn Spears' pal says she'll get married after the baby is born: "I expect she'll want to wait at least several months to get her figure back so she can wear a beautiful wedding gown and have her dream wedding." How long will it take to get her "figure back"? JLS is 17! Lastly: John Krasinski says: "It's my dream to open a Dunkin' Donuts. You can't beat their coffee." Spoken like a true native New Englander.
Grade: D (cold coffee)

This Week In Tabloids: Britney Is Thin, Mentally Ill, & Planning A Trip To Maui

In Touch
"Angelina's Sex Scandal." There's no scandal. Angelina talked about an S&M relationship she was having with her boyfriend during a photo shoot that took place when she was 16. Moving on: Kristin Cavallari says; "I could never get a boob job." At Goa in L.A., Lindsay Lohan was hitting on Kanye West — he finally asked her to join his table. How did Janet Jackson get thin again? Diet and exercise. And, she says, "I don't think you should deprive yourself if you crave something." Also: George Clooney and Sarah Larson are at the breaking point: George has been showing signs of restlessness. At some L.A. club he did shots, and danced and flirted with some brunette who was not Sarah. The List this week: "They Can't Keep Their Hands Off Each Other." Touchy-feely couples include Drew Barrymore and Justin Long, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher.
Grade: D+ (day-old coffee)

This Week In Tabloids: Britney Is Thin, Mentally Ill, & Planning A Trip To Maui

Life & Style
"Refusing To Eat." Nicole Richie orders black coffee at lunch and picks at her meal. At a restaurant in L.A., Katie Holmes and Victoria Beckham split a meal meant for one person. They also ordered one regular Coke and two glasses of ice "Katie poured half the soda into each of their glasses, then filed up the rest with bottled water. They do it all the time. It's how they control calories. Katie never worried about her weight before meeting Posh," a source spills. Nicky Hilton says she's been eating better. A doc who does not treat her says, "Denial is a big part of having an eating disorder." Mariah Carey pays a St. Barts-based personal trainer to travel around the world with her. Heidi Montag and Lauren Conrad are in a "skinny war" competing to be the one with the thinner body. Audrina is "way too skinny. Her legs look like twigs," an insider comments. Moving on: Johnny Depp is finally getting married to Vanessa Paradis after 10 years and 2 kids. They MIGHT do it on Tybee Island off the coast of Georgia. Jamie Lynn Spears' parents don't want her to get hitched: "They think if she gets married she'll just be compounding one mistake with another," says a pal. She's not 18 yet, so she needs their permission to tie the knot; a source says dad Jamie is not about to allow it. Plus: Cameron Diaz and Gerard Butler were seen getting cozy together at Teddy's nightclub in L.A. "There was a lot of thigh and arm touching," says a witness. "Cameron seemed to be laughing at all of his jokes." Owen Wilson is relying on Kate Hudson for stability right now and if she leaves him, he could be suicidal again. Lastly: There's a spread of bikinis being modeled by Laguna Beach alum Kristin Cavallari.
Grade: C- (watered-down Coke)

This Week In Tabloids: Britney Is Thin, Mentally Ill, & Planning A Trip To Maui

Star
"Brit and Kevin's Secret Weekend." Britney and Kevin saw each other on Easter, and they want to go somewhere quiet and see how they feel about each other. If all goes well, Kevin wants to have a getaway in Maui with the Brit and the kids. Britney is psyched and bought Kevin a $138,000 diamond watch. Also inside: Jessica Simpson dresses up like a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader and does video iChat with boyfriend Tony Romo. "She will dance in front of the camera until she makes her man happy," a source says. Lost stars Dominic Monaghan and Evangeline Lilly are back on! [Yay! -Ed.] Rashida Jones and John Krasinski are also back on! Gerard Butler's new girlfriend is Mulholland Drive star Laura Harring. Lindsay Lohan is getting only $75,000 to play a nymphomanic waitress in an indie movie called Florence. (It's 1% of what she made for Just My Luck.) The role requires LL to be topless but she offered to go "The Full Monty." Plus: Tom Cruise made a reservation for 22 people in a Scientology outing at the House Of Blues in West Hollywood. Katie Holmes "sat there for two hours sipping black iced coffee in a daze." She ordered two pieces of wheat toast, cut the toast like a steak, and there was a whole slice left when she left. Jamie Lynn Spears is registered at Babies R Us and she wants Bugaboo Frog Stroller, $759; Cookie Monster towels, $21.99 each, plus A and D batteries. "The Brangie Bunch" is a story about the Jolie-Pitt kids: Zahara screams and shouts at the boys when she doesn't get her way and pushes and scratches Shiloh. Shiloh got a chipped tooth from roughhousing! And what's up with the Cheetohs? "Brad and Jolie let them eat what they want because it brings harmony to the chaotic household," a source says. Angelina will give birth to her twins in New Orleans OR Zimbabwe OR Ethiopia OR Myanmar. Lastly: Lindsay Lohan has been seen swigging alcohol and openly popping Oxycontin, "hillbilly heroin." She was also seen doing lines of coke at a party.
Grade: C+ (scalding hot coffee)