April Fools! Yes, It Was A Joke. Duh.

Guys, we were not purchased by Condé Nast and Anna, Moe and I were not fired. We were celebrating April-gawks and having a little fun today. (And really only after 11 a.m.) May I be honest? It was fun being Steeny Taylor-Wood. It was fun to shake things up! We got to see who loves us just the way we are! Plus we totally got into focusing on what we hate about most media directed at women. Also entertaining? Some of the emails we received from people who were in a panic over the demise of the real Jezebel (and some excited about new Jezebel!). While we're sorry if we caused any trauma, we can't help but share some of the best emails, after the jump.

You have ruined the very meaning of this blog...SNARKINESS
I am about two more posts away from dropping my subscriptions to Vogue and Vanity Fair and telling everyone I know to do the same.
Shame on you for ruining my day!!!

I'm writing to express my outrage with what you and CondeNast have done to Jezebel. It used to be my favorite site with commentary that had a refreshing feminine and feminist spin on pop culture. But after I read two posts today, I realized that my once favorite site would never be the same again. The site has become a transparent vehicle for the Conde agenda and goes against everything thing that the original Jezzies support. Rest assured, you have lost me as I will never ever go to the site again and the other avid readers I spoke to today expressed a similar point of view. I think it's an outrage that you fired all the editors and forced Tracy Egan to change her handle from "Slut Machine" to "Clothes Whore"...how perfectly cliched. I'm sure you'll capitalize off of the Jezebel name and residual traffic for a week or so but it won't take long for users to go to a new blog and then the ad sales will crumble and you'll be stuck with a shell of site. And I can't think of anything more fitting.

Dear Conde Nast:
Thanks a lot for taking my favorite website away. I didn't notice it at first when I went to Jezebel.com today, but about two posts in I thought, "Why is Jezebel sucking so bad today?" I guess you're the reason. Jezebel as tea party? Fuck you.
Sincerely,
A Former Jezebel Reader

I've worked in the cosmetics industry for about ten years now and am currently launching a brand new cosmetics line in the Fall for a company that mostly does fashion and accessories.
I don't know if this would make me a "star" commenter (commentator...?) or not, but there you go.

Why I should get a Star: My mother once got hit on by Ricky Nelson at a bar. Also I am pretty sure she boned Joe Namath at some point. Oh and also, I am Kate Bosworth.

Hi Gals!
That was so fantastic when you suggested that we really start getting acquainted. Hi, Jezebels! My name is Perez Hilton. Now, before you go any farther, you should know that that is a french name and it's pronounced "Pa-RAY Heel-TONE." I have to do that with everyone I meet because when you are descended from Joan of Freaking Arc (pardon my french!), it's important to set people straight.
Don't you just love the Internet?
Anyways, for the record, my dress size is a 27D and my shoe size is a 16 and a half. Who says that the french are all petities? At least here in Illinois we proud descendants of the french come in all shapes and sizes. Take that picture I am enclosing. I am a proud Lady of Size who is not afraid to declare my feminine features. Fat and happy, that's me. Except when I am partying with my friends Dr. Peppers, Red Bulls, and Cheetos. Then I'm not so happy because I know it's going to catch up with me later. Dutch oven style, if you know what I mean.
Love you, love your new Site!
Perez "Puffy" Hilton

Ha Ha Ha! I hope, for your sake, that this is an April Fools joke. So I am just going to act like it is, and that all of today's lame postings are in efforts of total trickery to your loyal readers. So, we are hoping to return tomorrow to find all our O.G. Slutbags, have returned to the raunchy, nastiness that we loved. We would hate to have to find another site. (Why fuck up a good thing? Right?)

So, today was the day that our office newsletter went out. I was in it. I listed Jezebel as one of my favorite Web sites. And now everyone will think I'm an idiot after clicking through to the April Fools' Day version. You let me down, 'bels.

this can't be true
and if it is, it sucketh
if this is not a joke
i am gonna shoot myself.. sigh

Hi,
Thanks for removing rudeness from the comments. A little decorum never
hurt anyone. Here's my picture to go with the new comment feature. It
was taken at our lake house on Easter. Although vintage Chanel is a bit
formal for poolside, it was the resurrection of the savior, after all,
and he wore a crown of thorns, so how can I compete? Note: Easter egg
hunts are not the place to wear Stuart Weitzmann pumps.
Also, I'm not in the know of anyone particularly famous, but my best
friend is the personal assistant of a lovely British model married to a
rockstar. Does that count for stars?
Ciao and kisses, new Jezebel!

Dearest Jezebel,
We get it. April Fools. lawl. Now please go back to normal Jezebel. I can't take JezeNast anylonger.

I deserve to be a star commenter
Because I am Lindsay Lohan's Vagina.

My darling Jezebels-
I simply adore the new site! So fresh and fabulous.
I freelance for a beauty blog, so publicists do send me new and fabulous products from time to time. I also went to junior high with Ashlee Simpson.

Dunno who Theresa "Clothes Whore" Egan is, but if she's the regurgitation—the slutting down, if you will—of Tracey "Slut Machine" Egan, just stop this please. (If it ain't broke, don't fix it.)
outta here

Dear Tracie,
As an educated and sassy young woman working the shittiest of all editorial jobs, let me just say Sorry. Sorry that they made you change your pseudonym, sorry that they fired your colleagues, and sorry that your new boss says things like:
"I've always felt that sloppy dressing equals sloppy thinking"
and "For starters, there will be less focus on issues that dominate the six o'clock news (isn't there a limit to how much upsetting news a person can take?) and more on what it means to be a contemporary American woman. Sure, there's an exciting presidential election going on, but those happen only once every four years; the importance of feeling beautiful is timeless."
and even "we know you ladies love animals!"
Ugh! I read Jezebel religiously during my workday and had always sort of thought that a job at Jezebel was the dream!
Anyways, I'm really bummed about this and sort of amazed by how quickly the changes took effect. Jezebel was the only place I had found that catered to a young woman audience without condescension. It was the publication, internet or not, that expected that I could hold an interest in things both considered "low brow" and "high brow". My intelligence is timeless motherfuckers and yeah, part of being a contemporary woman is caring about politics, the election, and "six o'clock news" issues. I don't want to buy a 1500 dollar orange Fendi purse! I want a stable economy!

Hi new staff,
I just wanted to write a quick email to let you know that I won't be reading Jezebel without the dirty-funny-angry-feminist wit of the former staff of writers. I don't like this corporate clean-up and I won't support it.

CONDE NAST BITES
YOU RUINED MY FAVORITE BLOG YOU SHIT HEADS

hi i enjoy your site a lot and have a couple items of interest -
paris hilton just got married in vegas
what happened to heidi's dog - she got one as a christmas present the first season of the hills
can you please get on it?
also - russell brand- hilarious and why have you not written about him yet?
thanks

To those who played along: Thank you. Things will be back to normal tomorrow.