Americans! We are not exactly not known for excess! But on this, the first of April, perhaps it is time to start a national IM dialogue on whether we have finally somewhat overdosed on the absurdity! For instance, the government is supposed to spend $1.6 trillion on weapons with names borrowed from the Twilight Zone and the financial system is supposed to be $1 trillion in debt, most likely thanks to "partnerships" named for Star Wars creatures and added to the $9 trillion we already have that is ...already a comically large sum of money we are going to borrow a bunch of money to pay back... some people are calling it the Great Depression...and yet the stock futures! They are looking hopeful! Food stamps are more popular than ever in the history of food stamps and yet people are still so sapped for new forms of escapism that they played the I.O. Digital Cable commercial twice in the course of one Crappy Hour! Oh yes, and Obama is too "dainty" for bowling! Not that anyone goes bowling ever. Glamocracy's Megan Carpentier and I discuss all that and Paula Abdul and Deborah Gibson and Atlantic City and many many more muddled metaphors for our hilarious joke of a world, ha ha.
MEGAN: You know, I think if She wanted my mood to be better, it would not be raining again today.
MOE: They're not calling it the Great Depression for nothing! Unless it's some April Fools joke.
Ha ha ha, the number of Americans using food stamps for essential groceries is the highest since food stamps were introduced! Yes really!
MEGAN: One in eight residents in Michigan is on food stamps.
They're blaming part of it on the rise in gas prices making shipping more expensive. Good thing we have an adequate rail transport syst... Oh, shit. Sorry. No, we're fucked.
MOE: hahaha here's a funny joke the Washington Post website and/or all its readers are playing on us. The Most viewed thing now is called Yes, It Was A Good War. Ooooh oooh click!
MEGAN: Yeah, that article totally made me happier.
There were pacifists around before WWI, asshole.
MOE: Oh wait no better, Memeorandum is telling me the most important news meme happening right now is Obama bowling. I think people just love the word "dainty."
MEGAN: Joe Scarborough, I am not a dainty person or a dainty bowler. I just SUCK. I hereby challenge you to a bowling tournament. I will bowl drunk and without the benefit of either my contacts or glasses because, apparently, not seeing the pins makes me a better bowler. And then when I smack you in the face with the ball, you won't be talking about dainty no more.
Also, please, with that hair? Joe Scarborough doesn't bowl.
MOE: Oh this is a cool April Fools Day storyabout all the cool badges with crazy slogans that are the only things we know about the Pentagon's $32 billion in triple classified deep secret appropriations. I mean, I think it is a true story but there is really no information and instead of leaving me with a sense of "Wow, our Defense Department is doing destructive things with our tax dollars and no oversight" it left me with a sense of "Dog Latin? That is a language? I knew pig latin but what is dog latin?"
One patch shows a space alien with huge eyes holding a stealth bomber near its mouth. "To Serve Man" reads the text above, a reference to a classic "Twilight Zone" episode in which man is the entree, not the customer. "Gustatus Similis Pullus" reads the caption below, dog Latin for "Tastes Like Chicken."
It's all in some book called I Could Tell You But Then You Would Have To Be Destroyed By Me.
Also, this just in over the transom! "Deborah" Gibson is going to be playing at Harrah's Atlantic City for an unprecedented three week performance from May 4-24.
MEGAN: OH MY GOD.
Please tell me that's not a joke
Also, I hate Atlantic City but I might have to find some slouch socks and puffy paint and Keds and head on up there.
MOE: I love Atlantic City. Atlantic City is just America writ very small. No economy besides gambling and whores! Middle class standing around waiting to die! Overleveraged! Crumbling infrastructure! Abject poverty! Gradually being invaded by Chinese! Bottle service! Trump! And some of the greatest italian food I have ever had. I love AC, I have to say. The future of our nation, you can find it there. I bet Ashley Alexandra Dupre had some good underage times there.
MEGAN: Actually, you've just listed almost everything I hate about AC, but you missed the part where the "outlets" suck.
MOE: Oh yes OUTLETS THAT ARE NOT REALLY OUTLETS. A.C. is where "brands" go to die at the hands of tourists who are too dumb to go to real outlets... A.C. is like the Paula Abdul of all latitude/longitude combinations. Or something
MEGAN: Ok, but you and I are so getting Debbie Gibson tickets and meeting there, I'm just saying.
I'll find colorful scrunchies!
MOE: The Pentagon is over budget on only about 95 weapons systems. Um, also...speaking of...the Mike and Juliet show just showed an old clip of Paula Abdul and um Mike said something really funny.
MEGAN: Ok, I suppose we should, at some point, quit talking about the music of our tween years or something. Did you see the editorial on Obama by Alice Walker? It's a little hippie-dippy for my taste, but she did tell me that the whole "we are the change we have been waiting for line" that was totally mocked a couple month ago was a deliberate reference to an African-American poet and a modern spiritual. Whoops. Guess that's why the news networks might need a leetle more diversity in their commentators.
MOE: Wow, $1.6 trillion is the total budget of the weapons systems. That is a lot of money. Like the size of the russian economy but plus 60% or also the amount that banks are expected to writeoff plus 60%. Oh look it's the IO Digital cable commercial!
MEGAN: Dude, the commercial that needs to stop airing RIGHT NOW are those creepy AT&T mobile broadband commercials with the fake British guy finding the internet. They freak me out.
MOE: Wait, is this a joke? Stock futures are looking up! Because the "worst is over"? Because it's all priced in?
MEGAN: Because once us poor people are out of the system the institutional investors and hedge fund guys can have their say without being worried about lawsuits?
MOE: So this Alfonso Jackon stuff: what's the word? Are we going to get a fun scandal with whores outta this guy?
Not that scandals with whores are really that fun anymore.
MEGAN: Sadly, no whores except the political ones I think. Donors, favors, friends, incompetence. You know, standard issue Bushie stuff.
MOE: The bar, it has been raised SO HIGH this year.
MEGAN: It has, you're right. I mean, I guess hooray for Spitzer for being the scandal champ? I mean, do you think we can have a national conversation about expecting Puritan functionaries from our politicians?
Because I just feel like if we all had a healthier attitude about sex, and the "need" to be married, especially if you're a politician, maybe this shit wouldn't happen? Or else I've had just enough coffee to be utopian and not enough to get back to cranky. Or I'm just sorta depressed and thus want to pretend like the world that isn't my life could be better than it is.
MOE: Between the one trillion in bank writedowns and the $1.6 trillion weapons budget and the $9 trillion national debt there sure are a lot of people we owe money to! Thank goodness we have all those weapons, you know?
MEGAN: Oooh, is that the new way to pay your credit card bill? Because that would be kind of awesome. No, see, AmEx, I have bigger guns so I really think we're going to renegotiate these terms, thanks.
MOE: The second amendment is totes underrated.
MEGAN: Not anymore! The Supremes are about to throw out DC's gun ban on
its basis. Hooray for strict constitutionalism except when it comes to guns.
MOE: Dude the IO digital cable commercial is on AGAIN. "$29.95, don't forget to sign the label." Okay now I have to write the introduction to this stupid post that no one besides SinisterRouge can follow. (In that vein, I totally drank sangria with SinisterRouge last night! I never drink drinks like sangria but she is very convincing. As anyone who is still reading at this point which is to say no one because they have all boycotted Crappy Hour knows well, or not well enough.)