Dear Ivy League Virgins: Did You Ever Think Maybe Fucking Once In Awhile Would Make You More Fun?

What if I had stayed a virgin? I entertain this thought sometimes, like when reading the New York Times Magazine story on Ivy League virgins. The difference between Ivy League virgins and regular virgins is that while regular virgins are scared of kids and Eternal Damnation, Ivy League virgins are scared of oxytocin. And to that end, they're not completely retarded. Oxytocin is the neurotransmitter released in the state commonly known as "infatuation", and it's probably the reason I personally sort of avoid sex these days, because of the chance said sex will lead to infatuation, which can be really fucking distracting. But I'm glad I wasn't always this way, because of girls like Janie Fredell. Janie, pictured, is a virgin. She is very very serious about limiting her oxytocin. She is so serious that she doesn't realize that her best friend Leo, an aspiring monk and her male partner in Harvard's "True Love Revolution" abstinence club, jerks off every morning to a fantasy about fucking her doggy style in a confessional. No seriously! I mean, the story doesn't specify the doggy style, but check out this passage.

The one great difference between them seemed to be in their experience of abstinence. Fredell was unaware of that gap. Whenever sexual urges struck, she told me, she was able to manage them by going on a long run and assumed that everyone should be able to do the same. "The biological drive can be overcome," she said. "It's not like it reaches a peak, and you have to go out and have sex."

"And you don't go down the street thinking you'd like to have sex with him, him, him and him?" I asked.

"No!" she said, abruptly. "Is that what men do?"

It seemed a good time to talk with her about what else Keliher had told me. He described the act he has never experienced as something "breathtakingly powerful" that "lights all of your body on fire." He spoke of his lust as "this untamed beast."

Fredell was incredulous: "Leo said that?"

He told me that he struggles constantly against "physical lustful temptation" — that he can be aroused just by a woman's touch, by even a look at a woman or at a photo or sometimes by "thoughts that just come out of the blue — basically pornography in my head." They come to him when he's merely walking around campus, or even when he's alone in the library — "like a fly buzzing around."

To the matter of masturbation, he said, "This was really tough for me . . . because when you have a habit that's so deeply ingrained, it's hard to stop."

Fredell, when asked about masturbation, just said, "Oh, God, no!"

Keliher quoted to me what an abstinence speaker said — that the real meaning of masculinity is "being able to deny yourself for the sake of the woman." "To have that kind of self-control is really what it means to be a man," Keliher had told me. When he finds himself aroused these days, he endures it and waits for it to pass. In this way, he said he has "matured out of that more infantile need for a woman into a recognition of self-sufficiency." But some women, Keliher granted, continue to give him trouble.

One of these is a freshman — "a very gentle, caring soul," he said, who "works with little kids and stuff." Keliher can't help thinking about her glossy hair and beautiful skin.

Another appears to be Janie Fredell. Keliher smiled and said he was "a little bit" attracted to her — "in very superficial ways," he added. "It's something we laugh about — if we dated."

But Fredell did not laugh. "No!" she erupted, and with increasing volume, "No! No! No! I can't emphasize enough that there is nothing between me and Leo! It's just that we're not compatible in that regard."

Hahahaha wow. Is that not like a scene from a porn?

Okay, then we meet Lena Chen, Janie's intellexual adversary. On the internet blog IvyGate, people refer to her as a "whore whore slut," which is the best thing ever. Lena eats chocolate cake and also likes being eaten. And look here, doesn't she look fun?? Lena is a slut, therefore you could watch Stella shorts with Lena.

Dear Ivy League Virgins: Did You Ever Think Maybe Fucking Once In Awhile Would Make You More Fun?S

And anyway, isn't that the whole point? Sluts are fun. Give Eva a few years and some 90-hour-a-week management consulting job and she will probably be as celibate as Janie, because excessive oxytocin is almost as big impediment to getting anything done as taking yourself wayyyy too seriously.

Or actually, that is a lie, taking yourself too seriously is up there with "presumptuousness" when it comes to achieving things I guess, so what do I know; I'm still with Lena, for whatever it's worth.

Students Of Virginity [NY Times]