Barack Obama sure picked the right time to go on a secret vacation with Rihanna! The blind guy is STILL MAKING NEWS. Now it's co(mg)caine. Barack Obama did cocaine in the eighties. Who cares if the blind governor did cocaine in the eighties? Barack Obama probably gave it to him, and Barack Obama didn't have blindness as an excuse for needing false confidence! You know what else made news today? Sex. Not unprotected anal whore sex! Not illicit adultery in the 94th Street Days Inn sex! Not even "erotic sex"! Just sex, as in: it's fun! You should have some. Moving on: what else do we have here...elections in Zimbabwe! Can you spell Zimbabwe without Mugabe? Oh also: Sinbad! Sinbad is still in the news! Sinbad has never enjoyed such high approval ratings! Can we give Sinbad a cabinet position? And then there's some more about the war. Will the number 4,000 detract from the "myth" that the Troop Surge is a huge success? Or, on the contrary, will it remind everyone why we needed the Troop Surge to begin with? No one knows! Also, that part about Barack and Rihanna is totally unsubstantiated. We just don't know very much about the Virgin Islands because we never take vacation. Which is why Glamocracy's Megan and I are here to IM every morning for your commenting pleasure.
MEGAN: So, did you hear? The DNC allowed Puerto Rico to switch from having a caucus on June 7th to having a primary on June 1st. This could be the first time candidates actually visit/give a crap about our remaining colonies. I have always been uncomfortable knowing we have colonies whose citizens are less than fully represented in our federal government. It seemslike that's why we had a war with England way back, right?
MOE: Yeah I grew up in DC so I'm kind of used to it.
I put it in the news roundup though.
The news roundup no one read because everyone was too busy watching THE HILLS.
Also the Puerto Ricans get that parade.
MEGAN: OMG, Ali Velshi on CNN likes doing stories about Facebook because then tons of people friend him afterwards.
MEGAN: I'm a little scattered this morning, I can't decide whether I should provide her with the attention by asking if you've seen the new Obama girl video in which she asks Hillary to stop attacking her man or if you've been reading Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's blog. The last entry he patiently explains whhy African-Americans don't trust our government. Also, that picture of Emmett Till always sorta makes me weepy.
MOE: Dude this Obama video is awesome
I stopped watching them.
MEGAN: I thought it was when I saw it last night, but it was 1 am and I'd been drinking. My taste is normally off but I was still kind of amused this morning.
Oh, yeah, I hadn't seen one in a while because it got annoying.
MOE: Right, they took their time on this one though. Also, whoever's voice that is is really good. Like wayyyyy better than Ashley Alexandra Dupre
MEGAN: Actually, it's Leah Kauffman, who is quite cute in her own right and that video I just linked is her asking Ann Coulter to "perfect" her, too, as she's Jewish. She talks about finally growing into her nose. I wish that had happened to me.
MOE: Sorry, I'm actually trying to post the video right now. It's so fun and timely! Um, what else is going on? All I've been hearing about is Sinbad. But here's an embarrassing revelation: I do not know exactly why Sinbad is famous. OR maybe he was never famous, which is why he was in Bosnia in the first place. And also, I was not aware Kareem Abdul Jabbar had a blog. I just feel so BEHIND.
MEGAN: Wait, whoa, like Sinbad, Sinbad?
MOE: Yeah, like, honestly, I always thought of him as that guy from A Different World
MEGAN: Me too!
Also, I'll link that shit.
I think I knew he was a comedian, though. But I feel like those USO shows are always second-string entertainers anyway. Sorry, Sinbad. I'm sure you're still funny. But you were no Dwayne Wayne.
MOE: No I knew he was a comedian, i mean I do not live under a rock, it's just that I ...well do you think Sinbad will plan a comedy tour on this basis?
MEGAN: Dude, this is literally the most I've thought about Sinbad in years. Like, possibly since he was on Hollywood Squares or something. Hopefully his agent is booking him on Larry King or something right now.
Ok, completely off-topic, but I went hunting for the video of that trip on CBS's site, and one of their most popular stories is Top 10 Reasons to Have Sex Tonight. Not one of them is because it's fun or because you want to. Stupid moralists at CBS. It's all like, it burns calories and relieves stress. Well, duh.
MOE: Oh fuck it boosts your immune system too?
And cancer risk, but I think that's the same thing.
Well that settles it.
MEGAN: We should have more sex?
I mean, not us together, but in general.
MOE: I am going to go get really desperate on behalf of my immune system. Tonight. Fuck intimacy issues; fuck celibacy in the name of mental well-being etc. etc. Masturbation is not going to save me from cancer.
MEGAN: Well, but only good sex. Bad sex makes you go, well, masturbation would've been a better call.
Masturbation saves you from really, really bad sex.
MOE: Sad admission: I've been too lazy to masturbate lately. I'll get all revved up talking to some friend about, you know, the fallacy of a "soft landing" and the future of the dollar and the numerous problems the market can't solve, and I'll be on some sort of roll, and I'll be like, DYING to have sex, but there's no one around, and by the time I get all the way up my stairs I collapse on the couch and watch Jon Stewart. And it's kind of sad that even after watching Jon Stewart I'm not in the mood, but I'm not. I fell asleep on the couch instead. In my coat. I actually slept in my coat. Maybe it's just too cold to masturbate. Another good reason to have sex. Oh god, uhhhh, maybe we should address the troop surge right now? Like how the whole 4,000 deaths thing has put a damper on its "success"?
And by the way, Kareem Abdul Jabbar's blog about Emmitt Till is really sad. I didn't even know about that.
Or maybe I did; I have not had enough coffee. Again with the roommate.
MEGAN: Well, but, like, obviously, Moe, duh, most of those people died before the surge. And they volunteered, so it shouldn't really put a damper on our warmongeriness.
MOE: OH wow, an election in Zimbabwe. I think 900 troops have died post-Surge.
MEGAN: I am drinking my official beverage of hangovers: Crystal Lite.
Coffee will come later.
Well, I mean, there's elections, and then there are "elections" in Zimbabwe under Mugabe.
MOE: Yes. And RealClearPolitics linked to some commentary about what it means in the FT but I'm not a subscriber, although I suppose I ought to be. Shoulda taken the meds I guess. Is it a slow news day? Because this linking Bill Clinton with Joe McCarthy thing is kinda old, and yet it's apparently still a top meme, which I think means we're scraping the bottom of the barrel. Yesterday on CNBC they were talking a lot about the Taiwan elections, whose results were not at all a surprise nor did they have anything approaching the economic ramifications they were suggesting, but I'm thinking it was the same problem. When will we get some fucking news?
MEGAN: About Taiwan? Or in general?
The problem is that Obama's sunning himself in the Virgin Islands right now. It's hard to make big news in a media blackout, i guess.
On Zimbabwe, Mugabe raised the salaries of all the government employees to get them to vote for him but since they're broke and sanctioned, he's just printing the money. Who says no one will learn anything from the Fed bailout of Bear Sterns?
MOE: The big stories in the Post are the fact that the Indiana primary is now what everyone's got his eye on. It could be a fair fight! Okay, and then there's some noise in the Times as to whether Obama is too liberal to be a unifier. I'm gonna have to go with "if McCain is what represents the GOP right now, then yes; next question." And hahahaha re your Mugabe joke but oh, good lord, did you read about this book?
MEGAN: Um, that writer guy's kinda sexy. Also, it's probably not a universal African tribal myth New York Times reviewer Michiko Kakutani.
Zimbabwe's been a cluster fuck for years and it used to be a nice, relatively stable place until Mugabe thought he'd lose power and decided white Zimbabweans were the devil. Also, I hope his parents are still ok.
Godwin's, I mean. Because it's really not a safe place at all right now and the elections aren't going to help probably.
MOE: Wait! I forgot! We haven't talked about how David Paterson could get soooooooo much money for his memoir at this point OMG WTF his life just keeps getting more interesting.
MEGAN: A middle aged man did drugs in the 70s. The fact that such a thing is news means either there aren't a fuck of a lot of glass houses around or that people really like throwing stones anyway.
MOE: Huh weird, and on a final note, maybe Rev. Wright was right? In the spirit if not the letter of what he says. Some reader just sent this in, with the message, "don't let the haters get you down babe." Aw! The haters are actually what get me up in the morning! Well no, actually, coffee is what gets me up in the morning. AHEM.
MEGAN: Dude, I'll get on Ebay and have you a new grinder in a week.
Editor's Note: My roommate just went to Starbucks to buy me some coffee. She is a wonderful person to whom I am eternally grateful. Also, she took our commuter mugs so as to reduced our carbon footprint etc. I love coffee, and my roommate. And the Earth, we both love it.