Jezebel
So many glossy new April magazines! Don't you wish you knew which ones to buy? Well, none of them! Because we read em all, and that's why it's time again for "Cover Lies," in which Cheryl and Maria rewrite the covers of major magazines to better reflect exactly why it is you don't need to look inside.
Oh, look, if it isn't Kate Bosworth. And if Kate Bosworth isn't the most fascinating cover subject since...um, the Kate Bosworth Vogue...well...yeah. Jesus Christ, isn't there one celebrity out there you actually wouldn't mind reading about? Portia De Rossi maybe, Julie Delpy, P.J. Harvey...they're thin too! But whatever, Marie Claire. The "smart" women's magazine that is not as big and heavy as Elle just hired a new features editor from the financial magazine Forbes. But they're already giving you ways to pump that April stimulus check back into the economy! Sunscreen, lip gloss, shoes...it's all there! Marie Claire has some good stuff in it: a "Culture Pyramid" advises you read a book about socialism and capitalism in China and "partake sparingly" in such guilty pleasures as Craig David and, one assumes, Kate Bosworth. They didn't even bother having anyone write a story about her, they just told it in little bite-sized factoids. No formal training! Likes sports! Next!
Comments
You've got to be fucking kidding me? Gold.
Snort. This is one of the least appealing covers I've seen in a while. Really, does anyone buy a tent dress to attract teh mens?
Ohhhh, I've done the No Diet Diet. But I call it eating.
"Marie Claire Feels The Same Way You Do About Kate Bosworth"
-Bored?
Another shiteous cover from Marie Claire. What on earth does the Art Director have against the magazine?
i'm going to take a wild guess: work is stressful, crying relieves stress, therefore, you should cry at work?
My quarter life crisis involved putting my bra on inside out this morning. Impossible, you say? Possible.
sunblock? tweezers?!?! omg! who knew?
No formal training. Just like me. We are so much ALIKE!
I was hoping you guys would chose this cover. As the Fug Girls pointed out, WHY ARE THERE SO MANY FREAKING WORDS!?!??! You are hurting my retinas, MC.
Gimme your eye, Kate-ums.
My ex had a "quarter-life crisis". Trust me, it does not bode well for the development of maturity with age.
Alright, the one beauty product that will save your life? Eyelash curler.
Also, I am 28 and still in the midst of my quarter "century" crisis. Not quite sure what that means.
::thinking of something nice to say about kate bosworth::
I like the color of that dress.
::success!!::
@homeslice: wait, that sounded weird.
Retract.
Nice back shot.
Yeah, where is Portia De Rossi these days other than at Ellen's house? I love love love her!!!
[tiny voice] Will anyone else here admit to having a quarterlife crisis when she turned 25? I thought I was going to die--I lived at home, I had barely graduated from college, I had no money, a terrible job, no boyfriend, hadn't had sex in two and a half years. I felt like I had nothing to show for my life.
March was Rachel Bilson's month, I guess Kate is the flavor of April? It's really annoying when all the mags use the same cover girl in the same month.
She's like a model for bad posture and tangled hair. Just the look I want.
And a quarter-life crisis? Please little girl, go back to the sandpit. Why does anybody think actors might have anything interesting to say without a script written by a much, much smarter person?
She totally stole "quarter-life crisis" from a John Mayer song. Douchiness +1,000,000,000.
@wolf biter: Sit by me, sunshine. A shitty job will propel you into crisis mode immediately. Trust.
@wolf biter: Don't worry sweetie - my mid-twenties were pretty blah but it just gives you no place to go but up. Seriously, turning 30 was no big whoop to me although a few friends of mine nearly had breakdowns.
@wolf biter: Hell yes. I went through a 3 year dry spell in my early 20's (no kissing, no nothing!), also lived at home and hated my job. Most of that is now gone but I am still in flux.
OT because i fail at email.
[seattletimes.nwsource.com]
@Pinkosaurus: My dad always told me that the 30's were the best.
The way I feel about women's mags in general is pretty much synonymous with my feelings on candy corn - I'm not generally a fan, but since it's always there, I'll eat it anyway.
lol @ "quarter life crisis". puh leeze, there's one for every demographic.
Dear Marie Claire,
How about Rachel McAdams? She's pretty. Or Abbie Cornish; I like her. Thandie Newton's really pretty. Michelle Monaghan is pretty AND she has brown hair. I'm just saying, maybe you and Cosmo and Glamour and Elle could put someone other than the SAME FOUR BLONDES on your damn covers once in a while? And ask them questions you don't already know the answers to? No? Okay then. Just different people, plz.
-sarrible.
It must be hard for Kate. Being rich and famous and pretty, seeing your face on the cover of every magazine, it would definitely send me into crisis mode.
She looks so healthy! And by healthy, I mean the opposite of healthy . . .
[gofugyourself.typepad.com]
Maybe I've been partaking freely at the trough of fashion and women's magazines (wait...does that make any sense?), but I think Kate Bosworth's ridiculously gorgeous, much more attractive than most of the prepubescent looking emaciated models out there, and a better choice for a cover than, say, Karlie Kloss or whomever...
I laughed at the crying at work thing, but I have a feeling if I actually did that, I would be given a bunch of hugs and someone would bake me cookies and probably be sent home with 100 dollars from the president of the company. They're really far too nice here.
@Pinkosaurus: Amen! It only gets better after 25. I'm so fine with turning 30 this year.
@wolf biter: It gets worse.
@wolf biter: Are you kidding? I think I'm having one right now. I work part-time for shiteous pay, I spend the rest of my time conversing with a 22-month-old ("Yes! Tree! There are trees there. Very good job!"), I'm fat, I hardly ever want to have sex anymore because I'm so freaking tired, and I can't even have retail therapy. I haven't done anything I wanted to do with my life. Pulitzer prize? Absent. Fabulous job? Absent. Wealth? Absent. Someone to acknowledge that I work my ass off and am worth anything? Freaking absent. Not many days go by when I don't consider defecting to anywhere but here.
@Archetype: OHHHHH! When you freak out at age 28, they call it "the return of saturn" - all my friends had one. You can google it - its a fact!!
@disgruntledcubemonkey: That must be why every fucking woman's magazine says the same shit over and over again. If it's like candy corn, and the last batch of candy corn was made in 1911, candy corn and women's magazines are just constantly the exact same batch of bullshit.
@DorothyZbornak: Don't be so hateful! She's just like us! I was just on the cover of JUGS! last week.
@Jezebabe: bosworth is skiiiiiiiiinny. at least the "emaciated models" are little girls and are still developing.
I think it's only me, but the more I look at Kate's arm, the smaller it gets. Like some sort of trick photography and by using the shadow, it changes size. Sort of like how in the Mona Lisa the blurriness makes it look like her eyes are following you. I swear I'm not crazy!
And this isn't a skinny joke, or even a joke. Serious.
@DorothyZbornak: Really? cause I'm gonne be honest, 23 and 24 weren't that great. And I know how lame and shallow that sounds, but it's not untrue. Although I would never use the word quarterlife crisis. Ew.
her arm is creeping me out.
@Lady Skittlehattington, Worsties Guild President: Haha. Amen, sister. Amen. I tend to buy Lean Cuisines and such but eat at McDonalds. I'm weird that way.
Also, I'm having my quarter-life crisis now, and I'm not quite 24. If by quarter-life -crisis you mean wondering where the hell I belong and who I belong with, and constantly being restless and fidgety. Move farther away from home, or stay closer to family? Where do I start, where do I begin?
I'm glad I'm not the only one bored by Bosworth. And didn't she date Orlando Bloom? I bet they had the most boring sex ever.
I love the when you're dating a loser it might bother you that he's' a loser. I am a snob.
Marie Claire Feels The Same Way You Do About Kate Bosworth
Uh, something tells me they do not, in fact, feel the same way I do about Kate "Snooze Button" Bosworth or they would not have given her a cover.
@wolf biter: [tiniest voice] I'm having one now. Upon being dumped, I booked the next available flight to my mother's house, got myself a chill pill RX, and have now returned to real life with a new found penchant for a level of destruction I thought only possibly in a 16 year old.
Shit, I would buy Guns & Ammo if they put Julie Delphy on the cover.
Good call Intern Cheryl. Surely these magazines should hold a conference call so that they can trouble shoot the whole "putting the same 3 bland wonderbread starlets" on their covers problem.
@lalaland13: LOL! I think it's way better to be bothered that you're dating a loser than to be oblivious to it, or go into fixit mode, or to make excuses about how he isn't really a loser. They're not called losers for nothing!
@DorothyZbornak: It does. I wouldn't go back to any age before 25 if you paid me.
@lalaland13: For really crazy sex, Lothlorien elves are where it's at.
such a lovely girl. so desperately in need of a sammich.