There's some new research in today's Australian that suggests pregnancy can make women "smarter and quicker for decades after giving birth," because the extra estrogen floating around promotes neuron growth. Well, you Jezemoms must be brimming with estrogen, because yesterday, you gave us all the things we wanted to know, but were afraid to ask, about pregnancy and giving birth. Most of the dirty little secrets of pregnancy had to do with body functions and swelling: you got "plump Lara Croft style tits and cankles"; your tummy hair grew lustrous like a "care bear"; you peed yourselves, you shat yourselves, and oh, was there vomit! One of you summarized the end game thusly: "All said, it is a fabulous experience which I would not have traded for all the world, and I love my children more than I can say. So, suck on that bitches!" After the jump, more detailed horrors of the gestating and a prize for the grossest sentence ever.
On boys vs. girls: "I had different effects with baking a boy and baking a girl. Girl-baking was clear skin, shiny hair, sunny disposition, big fat legs. Boy-baking was zitsville, shedding like a sheepdog, ultra hairy legs, belligerence, and horny as a goat. Plump Lara Croft style tits and cankles came with both packages." Bloat City, USA: "Nobody tells you that, after you give birth, you swell up practically double what you were before for about 3 days while all the excess water works its way out. Also, your hair will fall out, but not necessarily right away." Poop Patrol: "I'd read that when you're fully dilated, the feeling is similar to having to go to the bathroom. Well, with my first child, it wasn't similar. It felt exactly like I was going to shit my pants. Dumbass that I am, tried to SUCK IT BACK IN, because it was really bad timing and I'm a freak about shitting in places other than my home. Finally, I was like, "Um, nurse, I'm really sorry about this, but could you unhook me, I have to use the bathroom." Needless to say, it was my baby, not shit. " Care Bear Stare!: "I am pregnant right now and my stomach is covered in blonde furry hair. It's like I'm turning into a Care Bear." Afterbirth: "Something else not everyone realizes: after the baby comes, you have to deliver the placenta. " On Barf: "I threw up during labor. I also got extreme "morning sickness" from the second month until the seventh month. I threw up so much and so often that I began bleeding from the back of my throat every time I gagged. Oh and my insurance wouldn't cover the cost of the anti-nausea pills. It was the worst nine months of my life, but I'm happy with the end result. He's pretty rad. "
And now, for the most appalling imagery you will ever read on Jezebel: "Losing your mucous plug (or "bloody show") is incredibly gross, and can come out over the course of a day. Think handfuls of pink Chef Boyardee spaghetti." Good Christ: We'll never look at the Chef the same way again.
Pregnancy Makes Women Quicker, Smarter [The Australian]